When Your Father Dies

Last Thanksgiving, while travelling up to Thomasville, GA, my wife and I stopped at one of those massively advertised, discount bookstores. I searched and searched at store #1, coming up with a couple of interesting titles before heading to the register. It was then that I learned that there was another sister-bookstore in the same plaza, and if I were to show my receipt, I'd get a free book. Well, I'm not one to pass up a free book, so I ventured on down, walked into the store, and was struck by the sheer amount of new and quality books. The free book pile was small, but the rest of the store? I almost wished I'd started here first.

I headed down the first aisle and almost immediately spied a dark covered book with a sepia-toned photo on the front. The title grabbed my attention: When Your Father Dies by Dave Veerman and Bruce Barton.

Two things went through my mind:
1. I have a friend who just lost his dad.
2. Was the book worth buying?

I spied another book about a courageous teenager from the Columbine tragedy -- Rachel Scott -- and plopped it on top of my two book pile.

As I wandered back down aisle one, I was indecisive. The book on Ms. Scott was a no brainer; I knew I wanted that one. But was the other worthwhile? I decided to turn it into a silent prayer. "It would sure be nice, God, if You would let me know in some way if this book would be helpful to my friend. Do I buy it? Do You want me to give it?"

I passed a guy who I thought was restocking the bookshelves, until I realized he was taking books off rather than on. A towering twenty-five book pile grew from the floor.

"Hi," I said, squeezing past him in the aisle.

"Hi," he said, turning a steady stare on me, one arm high overhead as he pulled another book from its shelf. "There are really some great bargains in here."

"Yeah, I guess so."

"What have you got there?" he asked. And then, without invitation, he peels back the book on Rachel Scott that I'm holding and indicates the one underneath. "Now that is a good book. When my dad died a couple of years ago, that book was very helpful to me."

I inwardly gave God a big "Thank You!" That was enough of an answer for me. I bought the book. And then read it.

It's good.

The authors, in this 224 page book, managed to evoke memories of my Dad that I hadn't even realized I'd lost. In one of my previous stories, A Lost American Teenager in Karamursel, Turkey, I focused on how my Dad's Air Force friends helped me during a dark period. Left unsaid in the story was a sense of disconnection with my Dad during that time. But with this book, I suddenly began to remember things. Good things about my Dad. How he loved to dabble around in the kitchen, experimenting with different foods. His chili recipe? Amazing. A prized gift that he gave me for Christmas - a wooden chili spoon that lasted me about 15 years. (Always got it out when making my own pot of chili.) This book allowed me to remember our times travelling together through the different ancient wonders of Turkey, or how he fell asleep in the first Star Wars movie. (It had been so hyped while he was overseas, that finally seeing it was a letdown.) Or how at tax time, it would seem like everyone would seek out my Dad for help. He was a whiz at financial stuff, and a devoted friend, and I still miss him.

When Your Father Dies is broken into 10 chapters, and includes interviews and insights from more than sixty men, including Max Lucado, Chuck Colson, Hank Hannegraaff, and Bill Hybels. It also includes a section of Biblical references concerning the father and son relationship and a section on movies that may be of help. That part surprised me until I looked through their suggested titles from both old and new films. Again and again I found myself saying, "Yeah. Yeah. Yeah." as each movie was discussed. Indeed many of these do contribute to understanding and exploring the father-son relationship.

When your father dies everything changes... especially if you are a man. Not that daughters don't miss their Dads when they die, but this book focuses on the specific things that men go through and the sometimes powerful and surprising emotions that are encountered.

If you've lost your father, or know someone who has, look through some of these chapter titles. It wasn't until later -- when I looked through the contents section -- that I realized if I'd just seen these chapter titles, I would have instantly bought the book:

Reality Check: Acknowledging the Truth

The Shock: Sensing the Surprisingly Wide Range and Power of Emotions

Aftershocks: Experiencing Emotional Waves

The Tallest Tree: Feeling Alone and Vulnerable

Mortality Exposed: Realizing That Life is Short

Loss of Audience: Missing the One Who Cheered Us On

Powershift: Receiving the Mantle

Over the Shoulder: Charting Our Own Course

Sensing the Legacy: Knowing What We Have Received and What We Can Pass On

Facing the Future: Preparing the Next Generation

From the book's back cover:

"Whether his passing was sudden or gradual, regardless of the health of the father-son relationship... when the man who gave you life dies, a part of you dies as well. It is an emotional rite of passage that affects who you are, how you relate to others, how you deal with your past, and how you face your future."

I have been deeply moved and helped by When Your Father Dies, and I plan on passing it on later this afternoon to the friend I thought of while walking down aisle one of that far away Georgia bookstore. It is my prayer that my Heavenly Father will be a comfort and solace, both to him and to others I know who have recently lost their dads. And if you're reading this, and grieving, know that my prayer is for you as well.

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When Your Father Dies
by Dave Veerman and Bruce Barton

Number of Pages: 224
Vendor: Nelson Books
Publication Date: 2006
ISBN: 0785288309
ISBN-13: 9780785288305
UPC: 020049075814