When Friends Break Up - Coping with the Loss of a Friendship

The loss of a good friendship can be just as devastating as the loss of a romantic relationship. However, while the latter is discussed freely in society, little attention is paid to the loss of friendships. In many ways this is surprising. Friendships are such an important part of life. Deep friendships usually last much longer than romantic relationships (I am not talking about marriages, but about dating relationships) and are usually more beneficial to our emotional and physical well-being.

Our good, long-term friends get a more accurate picture of our true personality. We typically aren't trying to be sexy around them or put on any kind of front to win their approval. We let our hair down with them and they see us in all our true jeans-and-t-shirt-no makeup-grumpy mood-glory. And that is one reason it is so painful when a long term friendship collapses and disintegrates.

For most of us, few people ever get to know us as we really are. I do not mean that we are all fake or shallow, but that we let our true selves shine around our closest friends. People we share this with become a special part of our life history. Their life becomes woven into the threads of our own life. When we lose someone who knows us this deeply, someone who has seen us in good moods, in bad moods, in anger, in tears, in joy, it can be like losing a part of our history. A thread in our life unravels and it may feel like a part of the fabric has been torn.

Many people cope with such a loss by pretending the friendship was not really that special or that the person didn't truly know them that well. Sometimes this might be true but not always.

What can you do when a friendship collapses? Every situation will be as unique as the people involved; however, here are a few tips on how to cope with the difficult loss.

Allow yourself some time to grieve.

If you are angry, let yourself be angry. If you are hurt, acknowledge to yourself that you feel hurt and that it is normal.

If you spent a lot of time with the person, find a new activity to fill the gaps that their absence will leave.

If you feel you are the one at fault for the break up, apologize. Even if the apology is not well received, you will feel better.

What not to do.

Try not to drag things out. It is fine to state your point, but to argue your point to death will only cause more stress for you in the end.

Avoid speaking negatively about the person to others. Speaking venomously about your former friend will, generally, only make you look like a jerk (even if the negative things you want to say about the person are true). If other friends want to know what has happened you can tell them, but try to avoid demonizing the former friend too much.

When a valued friendship ends, the most important thing you can do is to acknowledge that it is a real loss. Friendships can be the most special bond we have with one another. No one discusses the loss of a deep friendship much in our society, but this loss can be temporarily devastating to all individuals involved.

The best thing you can do when faced with this kind of loss is be as "grown up" and sane as possible--and allow yourself to mourn in whatever way is best for you.