When Friends Self-Destruct
Such is the place I discovered myself in these last few weeks. A friend was suffering terribly from the breakup of a long term relationship--namely, her boyfriend left her for another woman. She was in horrible pain and could not eat or sleep and the deprivation was obviously affecting her mental capacity.
One by one I watched her friends and family drift away while she became more hostile. Constantly she would ring my phone or request that I come over so that she could cry about the whole world abandoning her, lying to her, using her--a true pity party.
She became incapable of concentrating on her daily activities, had trouble answering basic questions and become so unbalanced her own mother pulled away in confusion.
When she started reminding me of how my ex-husband has stalked me over the years I decided to speak up. I told her she was obsessing, having a breakdown and that she really needed to seek some help.
She isn't ready, unfortunately. I'm not the most tactful, and frankly at the moment I decided to speak up she was thoroughly creeping me out with her ravings so it was not well received.
To put it bluntly, she told me she wanted me out of her life, among other things.
I am attempting to grant her request. I have not answered her emails or multiple phone calls, all of which repeat the order to go away and stay out of her life.
I am saddened that it has come to this. I enjoyed her as a friend but I have reached my limit. I could detail grievances against her but frankly it simply isn't worth the effort. The one thing I am grateful for is the fact that I no longer have to put my life on hold to go to her house and watch her self-destruct.
I hope that she recovers from the blow her long-time boyfriend dealt her. I know from experience that it hurts terribly to discover that someone you love has been leading a double life. I haven't stopped worrying about her--I just do not know what to do to help her. I was not being a good friend by allowing her to slip down the "Fatal Attraction" slope and so I tried to stop her.
I failed.
What do you do when someone you care about goes over the deep end? I have listened, I have put my own life on hold, making her eat and keeping her company and still she is getting worse and worse. Should I have to be chilled to the bone listening to her spout the same sick stuff my ex-husband spouts to people about me? Is that what being a good friend is about?
What else can you do to be there? Isn't being a good friend pointing out when someone needs help? Do you have to feel unsafe and continue to hang around them and listen even when you want to run to the hills screaming?
Sometimes you just have to put limits on what you can do for your friends. This is sad, but it is reality.
For the first time in a few weeks I am sitting here in silence at my kitchen table drinking a cup of coffee. Instead of ravings I hear the wind rustling through the trees. My family and other friends know how to contact me but for a certain someone I have rendered myself unreachable.
Selfish? Perhaps. Sometimes you have to be.
Published by Annie Jean Brewer
Annie Brewer learned how to combine minimalism with frugality to live the life of her dreams. A single mother, she is a computer professional who works from home and primarily supports her family through wri... View profile
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15 Comments
Post a CommentYou are a true friend. Time will see that this is the truth.
Sorry you had to go through that Jess!
I did a similar thing with a similar result - a near neighbor who also had young children was clearly depressed. She never had/accepted any breaks from her young children and was regularly saying terrible things about her older son compared to her easier baby, and about her husband and relationship. Not far out of the depths of PND myself, I couldn't stand being the sounding board anymore to just nod and sympathize. I finally confronted her - she admitted she knew she was depressed but that she had always had such a hard time and did not want to ask for help. I also said I was worried about her older boy, who also seemed depressed and nonreactive for his age. She agreed to let me take him to a playgroup, but a few days later I phoned her about my son's birthday party they were expected for and she said they wouldn't be coming because of what I'd said. I told her I couldn't NOT say it anymore, but "You shouldn't have said it..." over and over again. I was upset and it was awkward
sometimes you need to draw a line in the sand... you want to be there for them, but not at the cost of losing yourself... dear god do I knwo THAT feeling... don't feed the self pity party, it only fules the fire and YOU wind uop getting burned
I agree Patty! It is not a pleasant situation for all involved.
I had a friend who was in an abusive relationship and left her spouse who continued to stalk her. I was in the same place as you where I became her "ear". Unfortunately, I had little background to help her and felt helpless. As much as I tried to get her to find help from some that had similar experiences or resources, she continued to just live that way. As much as it bothered me, I had to cut her off as you because that was the only way I knew how to help her. I did get back in contact with her later after she pulled herself up and found the help she needed, but as sad as it is, it made me careful about putting myself in that situation again, something that's not natural for me. It is a difficult situation.
Yup. *hugs*
Janet, I broke down and sent her an email explaining that I feared she was having a breakdown and that she needed help, that I would he happy to get her to the help she needs. I was personally attacked in response. I hope she gets though this, I'm worried about her-I hope so much she doesn't turn into the monster my ex-husband did, but I don't want to be there if she does. Does this make any sense?
This is what I am hoping for Pamela! I know she hurts, I've been there! It's just.. she is talking about some pretty evil things wanting my approval, stalking her ex-boyfriend and frankly it scares the daylights out of me. I was stalked by my ex-husband and to see a friend doing that is frightening. I honestly do not know what to do for her. She needs help, but listening to her tales of stalking and harassment are not going to help her and if she is not careful she will end up in jail or hurt. I feel bad as a friend, like I am abandoning her--but I honestly do not know what else to do.
Linda, you did the right thing I believe. Sometimes, the best help you can provide someone is to be brutally honest. This may shock her into getting the help she needs. If not now, perhaps eventually. When she works things out, she will come back and thank you I believe.