When & How to Give Parenting Advice

As a parent, I don't appreciate being told how to raise my son. I especially despise unsolicited advice from strangers, particularly those without children. Most of the comments I receive aren't at all helpful or needed. I'm a firm believer only in giving advice when someone asks for it. Let people decide on their own if and when they need it, rather than judging for them. There are, however, times, when it is acceptable to say something to a parent or to give advice.

If a child is in imminent danger, you should say something. Evaluate the situation to tell if danger is imminent. Don't assume that a mother whose child is standing up in the cart is unaware that her child may fall out. If you see her child about to fall out, though, let her know! You don't, however, have to snap at her that she should watch him closer or make him sit down. Once the imminent danger has passed, you don't need to do anything else. The child is safe, so move on.

There are situations in which danger is not imminent but possible. Only if the damage done would be severe or fatal should you say something. If a child isn't wearing a hat on a cold day, don't worry about it. If he's running too fast and may skin his knee, there's no need to comment. If, however, a parent is misusing the car seat, letting their child run into the street, bottle-propping, starting solids too early, politely educate them. Where safety is concerned, don't be shy--but don't be silly.

If a child is hurting herself or other people, the parent needs to know. If the parent does nothing, it's not impolite to ask them or even tell them that something should be done. When a child is doing damage to property, especially yours, you should let the parent know. Anytime harm is being done to person or property, you should notify the parent. If they do nothing, it is perfectly okay to tell them that they should--and why, but not rudely.

If a child is really bothering you, it's okay to notify the parents. They probably didn't realize the behavior was that annoying. Be reasonable, though. If a child is banging silverware on the table, deal with it. If they are crying uncontrollably, while the parents try to console the child, tough it out. If the child is screaming at the top of his lungs, throwing food, or kicking your seat wile the parents do nothing, notify them that the behavior is bothering you. Ask them to do something about it, and if they don't, complain to a waiter, stewardess, flight attendant, or manager.

Unless a child's behavior is negatively affecting you, the child, other people, or property, there is no need to say anything. If a child is running wild in Wal-mart, it's none of your business unless they are stepping on your heels. If a child is refusing to share with another child, it's none of your business--unless the child has stolen a toy belonging to your own child. Everyone has different values and expectations of their children. Everyone parents differently. Some will insist a child tie his shoes so he doesn't trip. Others will let the child run with his shoes untied so that he will trip, in order to teach him from experience that he should keep his shoes tied. We all have our own comfort zones. Respect that.

If a parent is endangering her child by striking him or misusing a carseat and continues to do so after you say something, please--call the authorities. If a child is endangering others or damaging property, and the parent does nothing, then it is ok to handle the situation. Remove the property or others from the destructive child. Gently tell the child "Sweety, please don't do that. Someone may get hurt, even you." Do not punish or discipline the child. You can also call a manager to complain or, if the danger is severe enough, the authorities. If the parent will not do something after being notified of a behavior, only then should you act further.

If a parent is trying to console the child, but having no luck, it's okay to say something especially if they look upset or tired. Be polite about it, and make a simple suggestion. You could say "When my kid does that, I..." or "You might try..." or "... works sometimes." Sometimes parents do need help. If a parent is managing to control the child or console them, you don't need to offer any advice. Only when they truly seem to be struggling handling the situation and look like they really need help should you offer it. You can ask "Have you ever tried...?" or "Have you considered...?" Don't ever tell them what they should or shouldn't do. Don't give orders.

You should always be polite. Never make rude comments or snap at a parent. This will only lead to confrontation or the parent simply disregarding you. Certainly there are times when parents do deserve a rude awakening, such as if their child is striking another child while they chuckle. Only when harm is being done is this ever acceptable. Even then it is still best to be as courteous as possible. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Moreover, when a child is trying or is overwhelmed, your nasty remarks aren't going to help them. They will just sting their hearts, make them angrier, and overall make things more difficult on them or even the child. Being obnoxious won't help the situation.

Don't tell a mother that she shouldn't hug her screaming child or breastfeed in public. If the child is happy and healthy, if the method hurts without doing harm, you don't need to say anything. Don't tell someone their baby needs a hat or socks. The child may be chilly, but you don't get sick from being cold. On topics like breastfeeding, circumcision, and vaccination, give information--not advice. Don't say "Do it" or "Don't!" Give the parents the tools they need to make up their own mind. Don't tell a formula-feeding mom that she should have breastfed; it's too late now. Don't ever say "Can't you shut that baby up?" or outright insult a person's parenting (unless it's causing danger). It won't help at all. And don't parent for someone else, because it's not your place.

Above all, never ever advise a parent to strike or yell at their child--especially a stranger. You don't know them. They may have a tendency towards abuse and go too far. Don't encourage spanking. Studies show it is detrimental to development and encourages violent behavior. Many parents would be offended by the suggestion. Chances are if they believed in it they'd already be doing it. Yelling and spanking are not appropriate parenting tools. Give parents advice that will help them discipline and parent without doing harm.

Parents aren't perfect, and we all make mistakes. We don't need to be chastised for that. If our children are bothering or harming you, others, property, or themselves, let us know. We'll handle the situation from there. If a parent doesn't do anything about it, there are options besides rudeness that will be much more effective. Think before you speak or act. Decide how the situation can best be handled and the best way to reach a parent. Decide if there's even a point in saying anything; pick your battles. Most importantly, always be as polite as you can, and don't take over when a parent doesn't handle a situation in the way you'd like them to deal with it.