When Good Relationships Go Bad

The statistics are staggering. One in four women have fallen victim to domestic violence during her life. Upwards of 12 million men and women are victims of domestic violence each year and around three out of four Americans know someone who is or was a domestic violence victim. So how do we protect ourselves from this societal plague? This information will help.

Fairytale Phase

No abuser begins a relationship with a manic tirade. The beginning is usually a whirlwind romance, filled with hours-long phone conversations and spending tons of time together. That alone does not flag as a possible violent partner, so here is what to watch for.

The knight in shining armor. If a new partner comes in and attempts to "rescue" you from your current situation, it should be considered a red flag. The role of your new mate should be more as a companion than a savior. Allowing anything more than that so quickly will essentially give some control over your life that your mate has not earned. There is a lot to be said for chivalry, but be wary when your new beau wants to start handling your issues (financial, emotional, relational, etc) for you very early on. A relationship that starts with you feeling indebted to your partner may later be used against you as guilt when you try to take back control of your life.

Too much too soon. If your partner is wanting to spend more time with you than you're comfortable with, it's a red flag. Even if you are okay with the amount of time initially spent together, be careful with whirlwind, fairytale romances. There is a good probability it will not end up with a "happily ever after." Statements like "I know we just got off the phone but I had to come see you," may be saying a lot more than you realize. If you are getting calls on your job, unannounced visits at home, or excessive gifts, then pay close attention to the message behind the behavior.

Isolation

This is a major key in determining whether or not your new relationship is heading down the wrong path. Are you spending way less time with your family and friends? Is there an uncomfortable awkwardness when you mention spending time out of your partner's presence to be with your loved ones? Is your mate telling you he thinks your family or friends are a bad influence, or stating they have too much influence over you? If so it's a red flag. These are all isolation tactics. The goal of the abuser is to separate you from others that may be a threat to his own control over you. Your mate may even try to physically move you away from your social circle to a place where it is more difficult to reach them. It's a red flag.

The Cycle of Violence

It's important for everyone, regardless of gender, to understand and identify the cycle of violence.

1. The Tension Building Phase. This phase is generally characterized by poor communication, a fear of "setting off" your mate, and trying to calm your mate down to prevent any confrontations. The abused individual will feel a sense of responsibility for their abuser's behavior and try to prevent any outbursts from happening.

2. Violent Episode. Here are several ways an abuser attempts to dominate the abused person during this phase.

a. Verbal/Emotional abuse. Silent treatments, name calling, threats of physical harm, threats of leaving, verbal assaults like "You'll never be anything with out me!"

b. Physical Abuse. Hitting (punching walls), hair pulling, physically restraining, pinching, biting, etc.

3. The Honeymoon Phase. This is the "I'm sorry, it will never happen again" phase. The abuser will probably shower the victim with gifts, affection and acts of kindness to try to prove the violence is ended.

What you should do.

1. Reach out to family and friends. Shame is a weapon that will keep you trapped in a dangerous place until it may be too late. Confide in someone you trust. The support from a loved one will help renew your strength to take back your life.

2. Create a getaway plan. Have a change of clothes, some extra cash and other important documents stored at the home of a trusted loved one in case you need to get away quickly.

3. Get connected with the available help. In addition to contacting your local domestic violence shelters, here are some links to websites that can help you get the information you need.

http://www.domesticviolence.org/

http://www.domesticviolence.com/

http://www.thehotline.org/

Sadly, too many lives are lost to this horrific social disease; yet hope is not lost. If you are trapped in a violent relationship take these several steps to get out. Be safe, be aware, and take control.

Source
http://www.dvrc-or.org/domestic/violence/resources/C61/