When Grandparents Play Favorites

Everyone does it whether they mean to or not. We all have someone we like more than someone else. Sometimes your personality just clicks with one person more than another and you find yourself spending more time with them. What if it was a grandparent doing that? It would be considered favoritism. If it is noticeable to the child that he or she is being treated differently, as a parent what should you do?

I remember as a child my cousin was the "favorite". He would get to sleep at my grandparents' house. He would even get his favorite meal when there was a family meal at our grandparents' house. He loved Spaghetti O's and I always wondered why my brother and I were not allowed to eat them.

As the years went by, I finally asked why. Our parents did not want us to be treated differently than the rest of the family. You ate what was being served or you did not eat at all, but you were still gracious. My mom said our grandparents loved all of us the same, but our cousin just needed special attention. Over-hearing bits and pieces of conversations, my brother and I learned the circumstances and were not upset with our cousin or our grandparents about the "unfair" treatment.

That experience taught me a lot, including not to judge. Each situation and person is unique and non-comparable. I learned that demanding answers may make the person asking feel justified, but others get hurt. Sometimes, it has to be enough knowing that you are loved even if you are loved differently. The ones doing the loving may not know of any other way to proceed. I also learned instead of accusing, offer suggestions. Maybe even suggest giving all the kids the same things while they are together and suggest spending time with each one separately.

As a parent, if your child is being treated unfairly you will want to right the wrongs. With family members you are more likely to speak "frankly" with them. Do not let your emotions get in the way. State the facts and what you think may be a remedy to fix the problem. You can let the grandparents know your child is not being treated fairly by them and see what they have to say. Usually, they do not even realize what they are doing.

Once you have spoken with the grandparents see if the situation has improved. If it does not or you notice it only changes slightly, you may want to consider restricting your child's visits. If the treatment goes unnoticed by your child, maybe you are over reacting. Let your child be the determining factor. Parents may think their child is being treated "unfairly" when in fact it is the other way around. If your child is unhappy with the situation then do what you think is best.

Help your child deal with favoritism by explaining any special circumstances that may be motivating the grandparents to "play favorites", talking to the grandparents, or separating the child from the situation. Whatever makes your child the happiest is the best way to remedy the situation. Letting your child have a say in the solution will help your child the most.