When Grandparents Will Not Follow Your Rules

Grandparents often have very specific ideas about how their grandchildren should be raised. Sometimes this can be in direct conflict with how those children are being raised by their parents.

What do you do when your parents, or your in-laws, undermine your parenting efforts?

First ask yourself if the situation is really worth fighting about. Does your father take your child out to lunch and buy her a soda when you would prefer she drink milk? Assuming this doesn't happen every day, maybe this isn't a big deal. Anytime you can let go of an issue, you should. Save your battles for things that are very important to you.

Second think about ways you can compromise with your parents. Maybe you can ask your father to buy your child a non-caffeinated soda instead of one with caffeine. That way you will feel better and your father will feel like he's getting to spoil his grandchild.

If you are faced with a situation that is not something you feel you can let go, you will have to speak to your parent. If your parents are, for example, spanking your child when you do not spank or giving your child foods or toys that are dangerous, you will need to speak to them. Be calm, but be insistent. Explain that these rules are important to you and that you expect your parents to respect your decisions.

Keep theses things in mind.

Your parents are almost certainly acting out of love for your child. They truly believe that their decisions are best. Express to your parents that you are thankful for their love for your children and that you want them to have the best relationship possible with their grandchildren.

Don't waste time arguing with your parents about who is right or wrong. That is not the issue. The issue is that you are the parent, and therefore you are the one to make the decisions. Your parents must respect that you are the parent now.

Only give an ultimatum if you have to. Don't begin discussions by telling your parents that their access to your children will be limited if they don't comply. This is not an angry confrontation. It's simply a discussion of what you believe is right for your child.

However, don't leave your kids alone with their grandparents if you feel that they are in danger. If it's a question of safety, it's not negotiable.

Whenever possible, your spouse should be the one to have these discussions with his parents and you with yours.

It can be difficult to work out these kinds of issues with your parents, but it is important to discuss them in a rational way. Your parents are a very important part of your children's lives, so be thankful for their presence and be gentle when telling them what you need.