When the Green-Eyed Monster Goes Berserk: Envy Vs. Resentment

Some degree of envy toward those who have more or better than us is normal human nature; there is a deciding line, however, between this normal response and reactions which are clearly abnormal to the point of pathological reactions to the better standing of others. Whether the subject-at-hand is material possessions, opportunity, physical attractiveness, health, nearly anything can fall into the category of bypassing normal envy and taking on an abnormal stance of resentment. As concisely described by Jim B., simple envy is a matter of "I just wish I had what you have," while resentment encompasses an entirely different form: "We wish that the other did not have what they have."

The deciding line is the ill-will involved in the latter; and it is detrimental to both the person who feels and expresses such resentment as well as those who are on the receiving-end of it. Some may recall the story of the twelve-year-old girl who enhanced her appearance with a new, attractive hairstyle-- after viewing her new appearance, her two "best friends" reacted by throwing acid in her face. This type of incident, dramatic as it was, illustrates the difference between normal envy and pathological resentment-- her friends were so "insanely jealous" of her newer, prettier appearance, that they wished to "take it away" from her.

The man who became paralyzed as the result of a car accident may resent his brother who can still walk. The little boy, upon seeing that his best friend has a new bicycle and he himself does not have one, can respond in a normal way-- by asking for rides, by nagging his parents for a bike, by saving money to earn one of his own-- or he can erupt in anger and break his friend's bicycle.

In addition to inappropriate responses to such things which are easily seen, understood and acknowledged, resentment can take on an even deeper form when the subjects are not as clear. In the words of a doctor on the popular television show House, "When you are a drug addict, you want to believe that everybody else is one, too." This can be filed under the old saying which, unfortunately, is too often true: "Misery loves company."

While resentment toward something of a tangible nature, such as material goods which your neighbor has and you do not, is unhealthy, it takes on a far different proportion when the resentment is based upon a lack or a problem within oneself. In her book Toxic Parents, Dr. Susan Forward covers the resentment adult survivors of childhood abuse frequently feel toward children-- one's own or others-- who were not similarly victimized, resenting that the children "have it better." One middle-aged male, upon watching a little girl doing nothing more than playing in an average, boisterous, happy manner, remarked angrily: "I wasn't allowed to act that way when I was ten years old!" Recalling that he had been severely beaten as a boy, he deeply resented a child who was "allowed" to have a normal, happy childhood. Another, in reflecting upon the permanent psychological damage caused to his little sister by their abusive father, remarked that he resented children who "have a chance."

Similar to the television doctor's statement, the extreme of resentment can come when truly wishes that others share in their misery, shortcomings, or lack. One mother, a schizophrenic, pleaded with her young daughter to say that she, too, "heard voices."

Resentment takes on the most extreme proportion when someone with a lack or a problem within himself attempts to pull others who do not have such problems into his. One male exclaimed "Everybody is an alcoholic! and everybody on this planet has mental problems!" not only resenting the obvious fact that most people are not alcoholic, and most people do not have mental problems, but insisting that because he has these shortcomings, everybody must have them. In his pathological degree of resentment, he went as far as to claim that he and he alone could "diagnosis" such things as alcoholism and mental illness in others-- that he knew better than doctors and other professionals. When resentment escalates to this extent, it can be dangerous and damaging to others with whom the individual interacts.

"Misery loves company." The age-old saying says it all: the clearest indicator as to whether a feeling or the expression thereof is normal human nature or a sign of pathological sickness is the manner in which a person views "what others have, which he does not have." Whether it is a new car, a good family life, mental health-- does he wish that he himself had these things, and seek to acquire those of his own, or does he instead seek to destroy or "take away" what others have?

The key in what makes the difference is whether or not a person is content with himself-- not as much in terms of what he has, but rather who and what he is. When one is content within himself, he is glad for the betterment of others, does not see their gain as his loss or his lack, and does not strive to diminish or undermine others in order to drag them down into his own misery.