When "Happy Father's Day" Isn't Happy

Emerson's words haunt me; he said death is often the kindest way to lose a person. As Father's Day approaches, I'm certain others believe the same as I do. Some survivors have never had fathers; we've had sperm donors. Theses are the men that walked out of our lives before our birth, never acted as a father, or abused us in one manner or other almost, if not from the day of our birth. Survivors of abuse have dealt with it in the different forms be it emotional abuse, physical, or sexual abuse; some unfortunates have endured all three. When Happy Father's Day rolls around, pardon me, I'm not thrilled about celebrating this day.

Some persons in religious groups will quote the phrase, "Honor thy Father..." But they fail to grasp the writers' original intent. If they had actually studied those words, they would be surprised at their meaning. In the original Hebrew, in which these words were penned, the statement meant to consider the effects of Father and Mother in your life weighty. Somehow, as a survivor, this paints a new picture. It is a picture of freedom instead of chains. One is not bound by some code to do something for this man.

Some argue that the abused person must forgive. They belabor the point and make statements that the survivor will be "doomed to hell" if they harbor unforgiveness in their heart. These people forget about a divine being that loves. He didn't want the survivor hurt in the first place. Forgiveness is a benefit for the abuse survivor. Please, hear me out. A survivor forgives in order that they themselves don't become bitter. It helps overcome the power that the abuse had over their life.

In my personal experience, forgiveness has been extended to my abusers. This merely means forgiveness; it does not mean forgetfulness. Don't let anyone try to make you unsafe by having you believe otherwise.

So how do you cope with Father's Day? It swings round each year June. Do you sweep it under a rug and hope it goes away? If you try to ignore it, it is like a giant pink elephant that looms large in the midst of a small room. No matter how hard you pretend it is not there, eventually it will still take a dump on your floor. Ignoring that fact that the person that was supposed to protect and defend you with his life, betrayed you, will not go away. It is a fact in your life; it is a fact that Father's Day is.

As a survivor, you do what you do best when it comes to Father's Day. You survive. The worst is over. Bad as it was, and it was terrible; horrible as it was, and it was horrible; it is over. You did survive. In order to do more than survive, in order to thrive, it is essential to accept the fact you were abused by and release the day.

If you are now an adult male (yes ladies, males have been abused too) as a father, reclaim the day with your own children, reveal in your special day. If you are a woman in a relationship with a man, and you have had a child together, wonderful, make this guy the center of your Father's Day celebration.

If there is someone that filled the gap left by your father's absence absent, let him be your "Father" for Father's Day. If you didn't have a healthy male figure in your life, go to a nursing home; adopt a "Grandfather" for the day, if you feel you absolutely must have a male in your life on this day.

Better yet, join me in the start of a new celebration. On the Saturday of Father's Day weekend, let's celebrate Male Survivor's Day and on likewise on Mother's Day weekend, Women's Survivor's Day. Since we missed Women's Survivor's Day this year, we'll have a joint Women's and Men's Survivor's Day on Father's Day weekend. It will be our holiday, a survivors holiday. It will be a day to celebrate the fact that we survived abuse, any type of abuse (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, ritual, sexual and domestic violence.

Just as Kwanza was proclaimed a recent holiday by proclaiming it into being, into being; Survivors Day can become one too. This will be our first annual celebration. As the magic wand has been misplaced, my cane will have to do. With the powers of a Survivor vested in me, I hereby bestow this years joint Survivor's Day celebration June 20, 2009. It is a day to celebrate freedom and victory over our past. Here are words for a "Happy Survivor's Day" Card. Feel free to use them when sending well-wishes to a Survivor:

We deserve to take back the night,
it is our right.
We 'R now free to be,
all that we can be!
We are more becoming more than Survivors,
we are becoming Thrivers.

Happy Survivor's Day

Can you picture the card? It is complete with buzzing happy bees on it! I can. Sooner, or later, Hallmark will be sure to come out with cards. That way we will not have to continue making our own. So for all you thousands of survivors out there, I am glad you survived. The world is a richer because you are here.

Have a Happy Survivors Day!