When Your Husband Doesn't Love You Anymore

How to Survive

Livvy Ospry, Yahoo! Contributor Network
May 1, 2008 "Share your voice on Yahoo! websites. Start Here."

When we say, "I do" we all want to believe that it is forever. We all hope and pray that we will not become a statistic. We fall in love. We marry. We have passion. We have commitment. We have courage. And then life happens, and responsibilities grow. We have children, and let's face it, kids are a handful. No matter what age. When they are babies, its tears and diapers. When they are school-aged, its homework and soccer practice. And when they are teenage. Believe me, its all about them.

I recently found myself with my 20 year high school reunion sign-up sitting on my kitchen counter as my husband told me he didn't know if he loved me anymore. Seemingly ,out of the blue, and coincidently, very close to his 40th birthday and his first tattoo. I was shattered. Which, I'm sure is the typical response. I knew I had my faults, but we were friends. We laughed, and shared and talked together. We spent all our spare time together. But something had happened. Was it something I did? Of course it was.

I blamed myself. I looked deep inside and I saw things about me that I was not proud of. It was raw. It was not shielded by anything. I knew I was harsh at times. I was controlling too often. I was way too opinionated. I wanted things my way. Sound familiar anyone? I knew that there were things I needed to change. And honestly, I truly wanted to change and be a better person. To make me lovable. To save my marriage.

So change I did. I started doing more laundry, more cleaning, more of everything. I was sweet and supportive in every aspect. "A tattoo? Cool...yeah, I don't really like them but if its important to you...you go for it!"

And the months went by. My efforts were appreciated, and to my husbands credit, he did not leave. He said thank you when he saw his sock drawer full, when I made a new meal for dinner, when I brought in the trash cans. But the affection was few and far between. He held my hand if I held his. He kissed me if I kissed him. I would tell him I love you and he said, "I love you too." and then after a few months. I would tell him that I loved him and instead he would say, "thank you."

Instead of touching me and caressing me, he would just fall asleep. Instead of kissing me, he'd give me a quick hug. And before I knew it, I was in a completely platonic marriage. I was 38 and celibate. I craved his touch, I craved his kiss. I craved for him to look into my eyes and smile and grab me and pull me close. But whatever was there for all those years and two kids...was gone for him.

So I had to ask myself. What now? What do I do? Do I leave him? Do I stay? I didn't want to be a fool. So many of my friends were already divorced. But I believe in God. And I believe that we were called to be husband and wife. And that meant something to me. So maybe you could benefit from what I learned.

1. Don't assume it's all about you.

I thought it was all my fault. I thought if I could just be the right way, do the right things, all of a sudden he would see the light and love me again. And if he didn't, than I was failure. But in time, I learned that I was doing exactly what I was called to do. Be a good, loving wife. And I wasn't in control of his response. I had to be OKAY with him being in limbo because it was really ALL about him. Where he was at in life. So many factors that had nothing to do with me. He had to find his way. And I just needed to keep loving him through his confusion. Through his depression and through his pain.

2. Don't expect it to be better in a matter of months.

I made the mistake of thinking if I "confessed my sins, " that I would be forgiven and life could go on. But my husband had years of unspoken angst built up. He wasn't going to "get over it" in a matter of months. This was a journey that would be long. And I needed to buckle down and commit myself to a long-term battle. I had to be willing to endure.

3. Don't be needy.

When a guy turns 40, something happens. When he sees his son dating, something happens. Its been documented that the 40's are the most stressful time in a person's life. He needs his space. Let him have it. Love him selflessly. Don't stick his honey-do list in his face every Saturday. Don't expect him to want what you want all the time. And for sure, don't cry and moan and make him feel like if he doesn't spend every waking moment with you, it will be the end of you. Grow up! And learn to be happy alone. Its okay! Even though you feel more insecure than ever. Your marriage will grow stronger by letting him have breathing room.

4. When you panic, don't let him see it.

After hearing that your spouse, the love of your life, might not feel ANYTHING for you anymore, we, as women, are prone to panic. But that is exactly what you should not do. Be strong. Be loving. Be stable. And by all means, be patient. If you are these things, your man will come around. I know that sounds hauntingly like the song "Stand by your man." But you know, they are lost like any human. They need to know the most important person in their life will not bail when the going is tough.

5. Be Faithful.

Ultimately, when we stand up and give our wedding vows, most of us said, "for better or worse." And maybe this is "worse." But you need to be faithful to your commitment. Stop putting yourself first and put your husband first. Even if you think he doesn't deserve it. Honoring him as a person will only help bring you back together. In the quiet of your heart, pray for him. Love him as God calls all wives to love their husbands. And you be faithful in that no matter what. Don't give up.

I'm in that "be faithful" stage. I am still waiting for warmth to return. For kisses, and caresses. I am waiting for him to choose me again. And in the meantime. I will love him. I will support him and I will pray that his 40 something stuff gets settled out. And I have to ultimately trust in God. He loves us and looks out for us and wants the best for his children. Trust God to do what you can't. To change his heart.

Published by Livvy Ospry

I am a woman who is living alone with her children because her husband left her. And I'm trying to find my way. I am a Christian and a mother. My blog is at www.improvisedlife.wordpress.com View profile

Saving marriage
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The 40's are the most stressful time in a person's life especially for men, they often question their life choices.

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When Your Husband Doesn't Love You Anymore

How to Survive

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