When Your Husband's Affair Results in a Child
If you choose to stay together, do it for the right reasons.
The first decision to make is whether you want to attempt reconciliation. Recovering and repairing a post-affair relationship is hard enough, but when you incorporate the addition of a new child, many aspects must be considered. Staying with your spouse means that months or years of working on your relationship are in store. No one can overcome an affair overnight. Communication, acceptance, and forgiveness are the only way to mend what has happened. Arguing, accusations, and constantly bringing up the past will only make your relationship worse, ultimately ending it.
Staying together means accepting the child.
If you have children with your spouse, they are now in line to have a new sibling. This is cause for many questions (depending on the age) about what has happened and what the future holds. I believe that each couple needs to make more specific decisions regarding how much to reveal that is best for their family, so I will not make any suggestions how what to say or when.
Even if you do not have children of your own, choosing to stay means accepting this new child into your life. If you want to stay in the relationship, but forbid your spouse from having contacting with this child, you are asking them to shirk their responsibility and causing an innocent child to grow up with only one parent. However, accepting this child into your life also means you need to recognize and accept that this is not the child's fault in any way. They did not ask to be brought into this world, and certainly not by means of an affair.
Other issues can arise in the future.
Finding out about the affair and the child are not the end of the struggle in this situation. Sometimes there are other possible fathers, as in the situation I have dealt with. Aside from my spouse, there are two other possibilities. Occasionally, again like my situation, the mother will refuse to request a DNA test to determine the paternity. Unless your spouse chooses to pursue the matter, the issue of paternity could be a lingering question. Moreover, what married person is going to attempt to pursue paternity? I suppose it is possible, however, not likely.
If there is no question, or if paternity has been established, another problem occurs when the biological mother puts unnecessary stipulations on the visitation. For example, stating the father can only visit at her residence or in her presence. Many men do not know they can easily petition the court to set a more reasonable visitation order. All they need to do is write a simple letter that requests for a hearing on the matter. Under no circumstances should a father (or his wife) attempt to cut the child out of their lives. As I said before, this is not the child's fault.
Conclusion
I would never wish a pain or crisis like this on anyone, but I acknowledge I am not the only one. Currently, affairs are everywhere. Children are produced because of faulty birth control, or intentionally by a resentful mistress. While you cannot always prevent or stop an affair, you can control what happens after you decide to stay with your spouse. Get as much counseling, therapy, or time alone as you need to cope and work through this. This is not your fault either. Just make sure that child never endures one ounce of hatred, anger, or resentment from you. They are, in fact, just as innocent as you are. Neither of you can prevent it, but you can love each other despite it.
Published by Lillian Ryvers
I am the married mother of six. I believe that all things happen in life for a reason, as my articles will tell you. View profile
-
How to Score a Husband: A Review of How to Get Married After 35
Is it possible to follow an actual guidebook that promises to help the over 35 set find a husband?
- Sissy Husband and the Bridesmaids My sissy husband gets caught dressing in a bride's maid's gown!
-
A Crazed Fan Attacks Husband of Actress Sandra Bullock
Jesse James, a TV show host was attacked last Sunday. He is the husband of Hollywood actress, Sandra Bullock. A 45 year-old woman by the name of Marcia Diana Valentine tried to...
- Property Distribution in Divorce What do you do with community property when the marrage is over? The equitable distribution of real estate assets in a divorce is frequently a hotly contested issue that needs to be addressed well in time
-
Helping Your Husband when He Works Nights
Having a night shift husband can be a difficult thing to adjust to. Here are a few ideas that can help you and your husband adjust to working at night.
- "Good Relations" Saved Me from Imprisonment in China
- Gaming Addiction: When a Game is No Longer a Game
- Top Reasons People Divorce
- DIY Uncontested Divorce in Texas
- New Jersey Divorce Laws
- Signs of an Internet Affair
- Utah Divorce Laws
|
|
- Choosing to stay means accepting this new child into your life.
- Other issues can arise in the future.
- Get as much counseling, therapy, or time alone as you need.
52 Comments
Post a Commentwhere would i find an open chat room that offer discussions regarding this issue. desperately seeking an ear
Make your man work another job to pay for child support, do everything legally and keep the children from your children until they are 18 years old. This is a horrible place to be in life and women who do this to families have no shame at all. How do they think this child will fit in with all the pain the affair and this child caused? The father will be a daddy to the child but the child did not come from the present union of marriage. I cannot believe the God I serve wants wives to suffer like this especially when the husband could not take the wife bringing home the child of another man! Women, forgive but if you cannot press on with your life right a way, stay as long as you can and get the hell out. This is disrespectful and total crap especially if you don't have full disclosure after all is said and done. We women need to move on and be the women who God intended us to be. For those who are the mistress, think. You will one day suffer for what you have d
Claire, this sounds much like my now EX-husband. I know it is hard, but you need to let go and move on with your life. Regardless of what he may say or use for excuses, this is still cheating (even if you are divorced) and you should not stand for it. Your daughter will grow up thinking it is ok to be treated like this by men, cause if Daddy does it to Mommy, it must be ok. I wish you the best of luck and hope you can find peace and happiness in you and your daughter's life.
my husband cheated on me with my best friend and now they have a daughter,we where seperated for a while during this time he lived with her.we recently decided to give it another try mainly because of our daughter,but he finds time to spend on the phone talking to this girl telling her he loves her,she sending pictures of herself to our new home and he wrote to her telling her she is his one in a million,what does that mean i dont know wht to do they put me thru hell and back before and i just cant do it again.can i get some advice please.
I met a man 30 yrs ago who said he was separated.We decided, together to have a baby .When he found out I was P.G, I found out his wife was also with his second child. He said he couldn't stay away from me. He said he loved me.We continued and when my son was 3 weeks old he said goodbye. He never saw him again to this day. I've sent announcements about his accomplishments(my sons). My son grew up to be a good and kind man and a fantastic father.I never spoke bad of his father and told him the truth.
When the wife called me with a nasty message my son contacted his brothers, whom cannot be denied they are all siblings. He now has a great relationship with all. Even I have a good relatioship with the few I've met. Some more than others. All are accepting of my son. I hear that the father and his wife's marriage has been anything but good all these years.He drinks liquor and she drinks beer, most days. My son was told he was the lucky one as Dad was never a father.Money w
my husband of 13 years had an affair for 2 years, they have a 1 year old daughter (her husband thinks the baby it's his) I found out about it and he still wanted to continue seing the other woman, he is now with me and our 3 kids but how do i know he really wants to be with us? How do i know he is not here just because she would not leave her husband(she told him that). I love him with and he means everything to our kids. How do I deal with this situation? This is not the first affair on his side is just the longer and the one that has produced a baby (or at least the only that I know) How do I let him go? As much as it hurts I know he would do it again. How do I make my heart understand this?
My Husband and I have been married for 20 yrs. we have a nineteen yr. old daughter.I found out at the end of June that he was having a affair with a 23 yr. old and that she was pregnant an d due at the end of Aug. Well she had a baby girl and I love my husband very very much and I don't want to divorce him. We have been seeing the baby and she has slept over 2x already. Like you said it is not the babies fault and I like her but yes I can't stop thinking about him with her mother and that she new what she was doing she said to him she wanted a baby but it takes two. I love him and now this little child
I am the other woman that got pregnant. I hate myself for what I did. I'm on the other side of the spectrum. My daughter's biological father got back with his ex and now doesn't want anything to do with her. He was there the entire time I was pregnant and then 3 weeks before she was born he changed his number and suddenly didn't believe our daughter was his. She looks just like him. I have offered him a DNA test and everything, but his current gf is trying to convince him he is not the father and not to have anything to do with my daughter. I know that it is hard for her, but I feel that he should be a man and have something to do with his daughter. I haven't asked him for anything. How do you move on from that? I know we were wrong, but I don't think a child should have to pay for their parents stupidity.
My husband had a 3 year affair that was brought to my attention 14 years ago when someone gave me a note, telling me that I should ask him about this child with the same last name. I did. The long and short of it was that he admitted it, or kind of admitted it, said it was only one time. I actually went into shock. My husband took me to a psychiatrist to see what was wrong with me. Eventually he wanted nothing to do with the psychiatrist or marriage counselor, because he was not interested in being introspective. He was ok with it as long as the reason for the other woman getting pregnant was my fault! Of course it wasn't. We went thru many arguments, talks, etc. Basically I decided that I really loved him and wanted to work it out. I told him that I didn't want him to be on his death bed (when his life finally ended) saying that he would have had a relationship with this kid if it wasn't for me! I bought gifts for the kid (that he didn't give her) wrote notes (that he never d
I have 2 kids w/my husband of 9 yrs along and been with him for 17. I found out through and email w/ the child picture on it that he had a 6 month old on my b-day of all days. He of course is saying the same thing. Lets work it out.. we had issues, didn't feel like you loved me enough.. yada yada yada. I am torn b/c I honestly agree I was cold and distant but it was b/c I sensed the cheating. I could never prove it but all the signs were there. I know have had words back and forth with the mother and he says he's not sure it's is. Wants to get a paternity test but wasn't pursuing that until I found out. Now he claims she won't take it voluntarily. He has to pay a lawyer to do so.. but then she says they have an understanding when I ask her why she won't take it. At first I was willing to try and work this out.. but the constant lies back and forth between both make me not want to. I have caught him taking baby food and then he lies and said he didn't,,, then when I show him the reci