When, If Ever, Should You Appease Your Child?

Appeasement is any attempt to pacify or quiet a child by giving in to the child's demands. Appeasement is quite different from meeting your child's legitimate needs although parents sometimes have difficulty making this distinction. When, for example, is your child's need for attention legitimate? The primary distinction between appeasement and meeting a child's needs is this: appeasement is directed not toward fulfilling the child's need but rather toward buying peace and quiet by shutting the child up. We have all witnessed parental appeasement at the grocery store or department store as a harried parent tries to buy off a screaming child with a promise of candy, toys or treats in exchange for quiet obedience. Sometimes this quiets the screaming child for the moment, but just as often it does not. If the child continues to scream, the frustrated parent typically shifts from bribes to threats of punishment. "Just wait till we get home!" is a familiar threat heard in public.

Although most parents are reluctant to appease a demanding child, many do out of expediency, frustration, desperation or ignorance. When demanding children are appeased, they are temporarily placed in control of the parent child relationship. Their demands now define terms of that relationship.

Appeasement is a compromise. While parents hope to gain peace and quiet for the moment, they risk reinforcing the kind of behavior they wish to eliminate. By establishing a pattern of concessions, they may unwittingly create a monster - that is, a strong willed, ruthless child whose ultimatums gradually become more inconsiderate and unreasonable. Appeasement is like blackmail; the more often you yield to your children's demands, the more shameless and contemptuous they become. This results in defiant children who make excessive demands and issue brazen threats.

Children who have been regularly appeased as youngsters become tyrannical adolescents skilled in the art of emotional blackmail. They know just how to push their parent's buttons. They accumulate a catalog of threats, which they use with the skill of a master salesman closing deal after deal.

If you occasionally appease your children without making this your normal reaction to their attention getting or demanding behavior, all these dire consequences won't necessarily unfold in your family. Nonetheless, it is best to avoid appeasement altogether.

You can, however, create harmony in otherwise difficult situations by negotiating to win your child's cooperation. The difference between negotiation and appeasement is in your attitude. Negotiation is not possible when you are angry and intend to control, manipulate or dominate your child at all costs. Negotiation is based on mutual respect and cooperation, not on hostility, dominance and retaliation.