When Introverts and Extroverts Fall in Love with Each other

This is perhaps never truer than when an introvert and an extrovert fall in love. For those on the far end of either the introverted or extroverted side of the scale, it can be hard to imagine maintaining a relationship with someone who has different personality preferences.

In spite of the challenges, the world is full of happy and fulfilled couples who have learned to appreciate and make the most of their personality differences. So just what are the tricks to making a romantic relationship between an introvert and an extrovert work?

Understand Your Type

First and foremost, it is important to understand your own preferences, as well as those of your partner. Are you an introvert or an extrovert?

There are many assessment instruments out there that answer this among many other personality-related questions. The most commonly used and accepted is the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator.

In general, broad brush terms:

You're more of an introvert if:

- Solitary pursuits and activities or just being alone to think recharges your energy, while interacting with groups in work or social settings tends to drain you.

- You prefer to gather and process information using reference materials such as books, articles and online resources.

- You problem-solve through solitary reflection on a situation. Left alone to process and think through an issue, you can often come up with several options, but in both professional meetings and personal life situations you find that "talking through" situations can be overwhelming.

- Given the choice of attending a large "event of the year" type party or spending an evening at home reading a book or catching a movie with one or two close friends, you would almost always choose one of the latter options.

You're more of an extrovert if:

- Being around others recharges your energy. At both work and at play, you prefer group activities to solitary tasks or hobbies.

- You gather and process information by talking. When trying to understand something new or gather facts, you'll pick up the phone and call a friend or pop in to discuss things with a co-worker.

- You problem-solve best in groups. You shine in brain-storming sessions and meetings, and your ideas are often formed by bouncing them off of others. Left alone to deal with a problem, your mind often runs in circles.

- For entertainment, you'll almost always pick a social outing over a quiet evening at home. If nothing's going on this weekend, you'll be the one to pull together a group outing.

As you can see, introverts and extroverts can be fundamentally different in how they work, play, communicate and problem-solve. For love between the two types to work takes understanding and effort from both individuals.

Tips for an Extrovert In Love With an Introvert

Remember that your partner isn't "antisocial."

An introvert isn't going to be the life of the party or want to talk to everyone at your company's annual barbecue. And most likely, he's going to be happier hanging in to watch the game on your big screen TV than heading out to the sports bar with you and ten of your closest friends.

That doesn't mean he doesn't like people. In fact, most introverts form very strong attachments to their partners and their small but close circle of friends. Even if it isn't always visible on the surface, introverts are often deeply caring, committed people who would bend over backwards to help a friend in need.

Don't equate "solitary" with "boring."

So your introverted girlfriend doesn't get out there and shake her groove thing with the rest of the girls when you do manage to drag her out to the club. Instead of huddling in the center of the group making jokes and talking loudly, she's off in the corner with another quiet girl, having a more private conversation.

Compared to those who are always in the thick of things, she may occasionally seem boring. But don't be fooled. An introvert's mind is almost always working, her inner life rich and full, and her hobbies and interests plentiful. When you get home and you're curled up in bed for some pillow-talk, she may be full of all sorts of observations about the evening. And if you ask the right questions and prompt her to share in one-on-one settings, you may be surprised to discover or be reminded of her unique wit and sense of humor, kindness and sensitivity, or varied talents.

Don't overload an introvert with social obligations.

Be aware of the fact that your introverted partner needs time alone or one-on-one with you to recharge, and that the social outings that pump you up can leave him feeling exhausted.

If this weekend's calendar includes a houseful of out-of-town guests and a wedding to attend, beg off of next week's invitation to a happy hour or cookout and plan a quiet evening at home with your partner instead. Or make excuses for him and go to the cookout yourself, giving him some much-needed alone time to recuperate from last weekend's festivities.

When your introverted partner does join you in social events, be sensitive to his needs. At the big work party, don't drag him around all night introducing him to each of the 200 people who are employed at your company. Introduce him to your closest colleagues, and then let him relax and maybe have a quieter conversation with a few other spouses and dates while you bounce around doing the company mix and mingle. Don't leave him on his own and overwhelmed with chatty strangers for long periods of time.

Don't expect your introverted partner to fulfill all (or even most) of your social needs.

For an introvert, your need to talk through and process every choice, possibility, detail, encounter or event can be overwhelming. As your partner, she wants to understand what's going on with your job or why you're upset over something that happened recently. She even wants to relive that silly thing your friend did at the bar last night, because it matters to you. But everyone has their limits in terms of talking, and your bar is much higher than hers.

Don't rely on your partner to fulfill your frequent need for human interaction. Maintain a wide and active circle of friends and acquaintances who want to hang out and grab a beer after work, talk on the phone, or get together on the weekends. Invite your partner to join you in activities, but don't feel bad if she declines and tells you to head out and have fun with the crew while she has a few glasses of wine and works on her short story or catches a favorite old movie on TV instead.

You need to be out and about and interact with others to recharge, and she needs solitude, quiet and downtime. That's perfectly fine and even healthy, as long as you're both putting forth enough effort to spend quality time with each other. Which brings me right to my next point.

Remember that just because your partner is introverted doesn't mean s/he doesn't want quality time with you.

As an extrovert, your schedule is probably full of social engagements. Maybe you even go out of your way to make sure to get out of the house and give your partner some much-needed alone time.

Because social activities are attractive to you and you'll say "sure" more frequently than "no thanks," your calendar can become quite busy. At the same time, introverts come across as very self-reliant, content in their own worlds, and independent. It can be easy to end up passing each other like ships in the night.

Make an effort to spend plenty of one-on-one time with your introverted partner. Plan a romantic dinner, a night curled on the couch watching movies with her, or a weekend camping trip for just the two of you. Just because she likes to be alone doesn't mean she wouldn't often rather be with you.

Don't assume that silence is agreement.

Remember that introverts need time to reflect on things before they come to decisions or conclusions.

If he came to you with an idea for a major remodeling project for your home, and you had concerns about finances or flat-out didn't like the idea, you'd jump right in with your thoughts. Maybe during the course of the conversation, he'd convince you of his way of thinking, because that's how you as an extrovert make decisions - by talking them through. Or maybe you'd hold firm and make him realize now wasn't the time to be tackling something so big.

But if you go to him with a major idea, chances are he won't be up front and center with his "what ifs" five minutes into your conversation. You've just presented him with something major, and he needs time to process it. Just because he doesn't say no doesn't mean he's saying yes.

Give an introvert time to think through things, reflect, identify his concerns and form opinions. Present major situations or ideas in a "here's what's going on," or "here's what I'm thinking" way, and then ask him to give it some thought and get back to you. Don't expect an introvert to be able to provide an immediate answer or go round and round verbally until one comes to him.

Fight Fair

Often, introverts don't argue well. As an extrovert, if you're upset about something you probably want to talk it through, hashing it out until the sun rises if that's what it takes to reach resolution.

But heat-of-the-moment arguments are particularly overwhelming for introverts. The words that for you are just part of the 'getting to the bottom of it" process can be extremely hurtful to the reflective introvert who needs to analyze and interpret her own thoughts and feelings before articulating them. Like a deer in the headlights, she may freeze up and say nothing at all.

For an upset extrovert, silence is perhaps more aggravating than anything else. They interpret a lack of response as not caring, when this may be the farthest thing possible from the truth.

Arguments happen even in the best of relationships. When one hits you and your partner, remember your differences in styles. Express your thoughts, take a deep breath, and indicate that you know she might need to think about things for a bit but that you'd like to talk more at a later time. Give her the chance she needs to process her thoughts and feelings so that she can express them to you.

Tips For An Introvert in Love With An Extrovert

Don't interpret an extravert's chattiness as flighty or superficial

Do you find yourself often amazed that she's still really on the phone talking to her girlfriend about what to wear or other such trivialities? When you go out, do you often find yourself amazed and maybe just a bit annoyed at the way your partner flits about talking to everyone in the room about seemingly pointless things?

As an introvert, you tend to limit your conversations to more substantive and meaningful exchanges with the people who matter to you most. Pleasantries and trivial conversation often feel like boring and meaningless wastes of time, or even come across as shallow.

Extroverts, on the other hand, talk about everything. Just because she can spend a half hour on the phone talking about a dress or listen to the mundane details of your neighbor's dieting efforts doesn't mean she isn't equally capable of more substantive discussion. Yes, you'd be exhausted after so many trivial exchanges. But she's an extrovert, so they actually fuel her energy.

Encourage your extroverted partner to do things without you.

As an extrovert, he wants to be in the thick of everything. If you wanted to spend every Saturday night hanging out with your girlfriends while he was home with nothing to do, he might feel hurt and ignored.

But you actually like the idea of him having a regular outing with the guys. It gives you time to have your place to yourself to relax, read, or just enjoy the silence. If that's the case, make sure to tell him so. He may really want to go do something with his buddies, especially since you just want to chill at home, but because he's thinking like an extrovert he's assuming your feelings will be hurt if he leaves you alone.

Make it clear that you like your private time and want him to get out and have fun with his crew, and that you'll be happily waiting for him when he gets home.

Take an interest in your extroverted partner's social circle and activities.

Just because you don't tag along doesn't mean your partner doesn't want you to show some interest in her social life. For her, activities with her friends and what's going on in their lives are very important.

Take an interest when she wants to talk about her friend's dating woes and her sister's job troubles. Listen to the details of her outing with the crew, even if you find them a bit boring.

Extroverts need to process the things that are important to them through talking. One of the most important things to them is the people in their lives. She shouldn't expect you to be dragged along to every social gathering, but she should be able to talk to you about her friends and family and feel like you care enough to listen.

Force yourself to get out with your partner.

While your extroverted partner shouldn't expect you to be a part of all his many social outings, you should make it a point to join him from time to time and be an active if quieter part of his circle.

If you let them, social gatherings with small groups of friends can be fun, and even large events full of strangers can be a source of entertainment in limited doses.

When possible, engage in social activities that involve doing something rather than just getting together and chatting in a noisy bar or club. Board games, a meal and a movie, an outdoor activity like hiking, fishing or a sporting event, taking in a local tourist attraction, or a musical performance are all good options. At gatherings of friends or family, offer to help out with serving food or drinks so you have something to do other than trying to engage in conversation with strangers.

At larger social events, pass the time your extroverted partner is working the room by people-watching. Identify other introverts and engage them in quieter conversations.

Make an effort to pay attention and show affection.

You may be a very affectionate, caring and loving person. For the most part, you probably have no trouble demonstrating this to your partner.

But when you get into your own head or deeply involved in a project, as an introvert you may appear much more distant and removed than you mean to be. You can lose yourself for hours and think only minutes have gone by.

Be aware of these tendencies. Let your partner know that your silence doesn't mean "something's wrong," but actually is an indication that you're having a good time or deeply involved in what you're doing. Come out of the clouds and spend time truly interacting with and appreciating your partner when you're home together.

Ask for time to think things through.

Whether the two of you are having a disagreement or just trying to make a major decision or plan a vacation, as an introvert in love with an extrovert you're eventually going to find yourself in a situation where you just want some time alone to think. She, on the other hand, wants to keep talking until whatever needs to be decided is done.

Don't be afraid to ask for time to think about things. Take a break and come back to the discussion. Otherwise, you may end up agreeing to whatever your partner wants without expressing your true feelings, and then carrying a grudge. You may unconsciously paint your partner as a bully who plowed on until you caved in, when in reality your extroverted partner just thought you were talking things through.

Don't take everything personally or get frustrated with seeming contradictions.

As an introvert, chances are you say what you mean and mean what you say. How could you not, when you've carefully thought through everything before you open your mouth?

Your extroverted partner, on the other hand, will often blurt out whatever comes to mind. He doesn't mean to hurt anyone, least of all you. But for him, conversation is part of actually forming an opinion. He can say one thing one minute and the something else entirely the next, because spinning in those circles is how he figures out where to land.

Just as you hope your extroverted partner will be patient with your need to think, reflect and internalize, you need to understand that outbursts, blunt remarks, or statements that are contradictory and changing aren't usually meant to hurt or irritate you. Letting an extrovert do what to you may seem to be "talking in circles" helps him to figure out how he really feels or what he wants to do.

Let Your Differences Strengthen You Both

With an understanding of individual personality preferences, sensitivity to each other's needs and patience, introverts and extroverts can maintain strong and loving relationships.

Perhaps the best thing to remember is that although being different has its challenges, it can also strengthen both of you. An introvert can help an extroverted partner learn to relax, reflect and be more comfortable with being alone, and will most likely never compete with her partner to be the center of attention in a crowded room. An extrovert can keep an introverted partner from becoming too disconnected and isolated, and can be a reassuring support system in overwhelming social situations.

By recognizing each other's strengths and learning that things you might originally see as "weaknesses" are really just "differences," you can build a love that lasts.

Author's note: While I have read extensively on personality types and preferences and have a strong interest in the field, my educational background and training are not in psychology, personality theory or MBTI interpretation.