When You Lose Someone You Love to Cancer

My entire life, my mom has been there. She was there for the scrapped knees, the time the swing set knocked me in the head and caused a lot of blood, and for other things that sometimes happen in childhood. Because my childhood was not the norm, she was also there for me when doctors took my blood to confirm if there was tumor marker for cancers. She held my hand when I was afraid for surgery. My mom was truly the best mother I have encountered. As a result of the attention she lavished upon me during chemotherapy and all its headaches, I almost pathologically bonded to her over that time. The bonding stuck. When the bottom fell out of our world this past May and mom was diagnosed with incurable colon cancer, a small part of me worried for myself. Most of me was angry. My mother coped with losing her son to drugs (he is still alive but mentally gone). My mom went through my dad losing money in farming like so many people in that field too. My sister was a wild teenager but nothing like our brother. Even I, as a nine year old child and fifteen year old woman gave her stress with my cancer diagnoses at ages 9 and 15 along with many scares courtesy of Cowden Syndrome.

I am writing this as it happens so perhaps others will read it and know their feelings are normal. My mother was taken advantage of. At 33 years of age, it kills me. I'm a mom to a young family and am unable to help how I want. My sister's family is older with her youngest being eleven so she can help more. My sister is my mom's life line but I do what I can.

It has been more than a month since her shocking diagnosis. She went into the hospital thinking her gallbladder was having issues. My mom has never been sick so the diagnosis of Stage IV colon cancer astonished all of us. Her first words to me, "well, at least the doctor didn't send me home to die." After some research I learned stage IV colon cancer, even adenocarcinoma Is so invasive she has an eight percent five year survival rate. Because I do not know the subtype of adenocarcinoma she may have less time as others are more aggressive. Also stage IV colon cancer tends to be so far spread surgical resection is not recommended. Some doctors will not recommend chemotherapy. My mom began chemotherapy a week and a half ago and will hopefully start back on Tuesday. Her blood counts were too low to begin last week.

It has been within the past two weeks I have realized our odds of losing my mom are very strong. She has good days but most are not so good. Being on this side is much more difficult than going through the treatment myself. This is my mom. I vacillate between crying so much some doctors would consider it a nervous breakdown and holding my cool hoping she at least has time for my five year old and six year old to remember her. The most difficult thing is seeing how much pain she is in and how she cannot eat. She is so small and frail. Yesterday, she begin losing her hair but other than that had a good day with taking her grandchildren to buy fireworks. I live for those good days.

I have learned online that anger is a normal emotion. Mom has been through so much mentally and inevitably losing her life in one of the most painful ways possible with chemotherapy seems too much. Mom reminds me of Job in the Bible. She has endured so much yet her faith in God is still there. If I am honest to myself, my faith has withered. How can God do this to my mom? Hasn't she been through enough? Even in the depths of despair, I know when this is over she will be in her heavenly reward. I will have my two young children to raise and be sure they remember her. I believe I will tell them she is our angel and always there. At 5-6 years old, this is perhaps the best I can do.

The rest of this article will deal with feelings you may have when a parent becomes very sick. My first feeling was shock. It literally felt like the wind was knocked out of my lungs. I did research. The best place to do research is to Google the Colon Club as others are going through the same thing and they are very friendly.

I went through denial. Even when masses showed up on her colon, liver, lungs, and brain as metastasis, I doubted. It seems absurd now but a lady we went to church with supposedly had liver and colon cancer and was fine. I was jealous of her. I wanted it to be my mother who was safe.

When your mom, dad, or loved one is diagnosed with something so terrible, expect to hear about their regrets. I highly recommend a pastor if your parents is a Christian. My parents were out of church for more than twenty years. I only learned she felt guilty about this afterward. My aunt's pastor visited and my mom is now at peace no matter what happens. She knows she is forgiven.

Know your family history. My mother did not realize her grandmother passed away from colon cancer. I found this in funeral home records. My mom's aunt and this grandmother's sister also died of colon cancer. It can be difficult to get the person in for a colonoscopy but stop at nothing to do it. Colon cancer typically takes a lot of time to form from polyps in to cancer.

When someone senses the end of their life, they will confess to you stuff they would not otherwise. For years I heard my mother did not treat my dad well. The other day she told me she not only made peace with dad but peace with God.

Because I did have stage 4 cancer but wonderful odds, what my mother is going through is much worse than I did. She appreciates company even when they say the wrong things (especially about hair). Chemotherapy makes hair a non-issue. As a matter of fact, I rarely fix my hair 17 years post chemo. I comb it and leave it.

People going through chemotherapy have strong sense of smell and especially when they also have a brain lesion. Be very careful in what you cook or the person will get sick.

There are more things to do to make the person comfortable. I visit to try to clean house and inevitably I am talking with my mom and usually about my children. If you have children, talk about them. I wanted to live to see my nephew grew up. My nephew is 19 years old now. Children are the future and for someone who is so into her family like my mom, children are everything.

What you can do to help is talk to the person. Stifle the need for speech every second. A person in this shape is sick and tires easily. Help do housework. Sometimes I feel like I am running two houses at once. Sending cards are a happy thing. My mom is blessed that others are sharing their sick hours at work. If there is one thing my mom taught me it is that being sweet helps others to want to help more. Even before this I wanted to be like my mother. I would prefer no colon cancer but the ability to love that deeply is pretty exceptional.

I know the day is coming when we lose her. I cannot promise how my spirits will be when that happens. Instead I take the time to talk with her and let her know I love her. From someone who has gone through the fear of losing her life, I know this is the biggest thing she needs.