When Your Mom Wants to Be Your Wedding Planner

If your mom has offered to be your wedding planner, you may have quite a dilemma on your hands. Little did you know that from the moment she began planning your very first birthday party, she was already looking forward to planing your wedding day! Your mom has not only set aside money to cover all of your wedding expenses, but she has already mapped out the seating arrangements, decided on your wedding colors and picked out the table decorations and menu for your wedding reception. With so much pressure, what's a woman to do?

Having your mom as your wedding planner would be fabulous if the two of you were on the same sheet of music regarding this important day. But when mom has one vision for your wedding and you have another, how do you keep the peace? Situations like these must be handled quite gingerly. After all, this is your mom, and the last thing that you want to do is crush her spirits. At the same time, this is also your wedding day, not hers, and you deserve to have as much say as you please in how the day will unfold.

Express Gratitude - But Keep it Real!

It might not be a good idea to reject your mom's offer to be your wedding planner altogether, especially if she's paying for the wedding. Not only will letting her be your wedding planner save you money, but you will also have the assistance of someone whom you love and trust and who wants nothing more than for your wedding day to be spectacular. However, it will still be essential for you to be assertive and speak up about the things that are important to you instead of biting your tongue and letting mom completely take over. If you are passionate about your chosen wedding colors, say so! If you want your best friend to be your Maid of Honor instead of your sister, you should be honest with your mom about it.

Compromise, Compromise, Compromise

If your mom is a halfway reasonable person, she should be open to compromise. Her feelings may be hurt for a moment when she realizes that you still want to have some say in the planning of your wedding day, but she'll most likely get over it if you can suggest a compromise that sounds appealing. For example, you can agree to let your mom be your wedding planner while emphasizing how important it is to you that she listens to you and be open to your ideas. It might seem absurd that you have to reach a compromise with your mom about your own wedding day, but mothers who have been heavily involved in all or most aspect of their daughters' lives sometimes find it hard to loosen their grip and let their daughters be women. Family therapist, Dr. Laura Tracy, summed this up quite well:

"Mothers and daughters who struggle with their relationships as adults often repeat the old patterns of control and rebellion from childhood. They can't hear each other. The daughter will hear the mother say something and she'll think, 'She wants to control me.' And the mother is saying something that absolutely is controlling, but is not meant to be. Meanwhile, when the daughter speaks, the mother hears nothing but anger - in a comment that does indeed convey anger but also, 'I love you, and can't we do this differently?'" (Shaw, 2008)

Divide and Conquer

Perhaps one of the best compromises you can reach with your mom is to let her plan the aspects of your wedding that you simply don't have the time or energy to worry about. It may not be as important to you, for example, to hash out each and every detail of your wedding reception, but you may want to plan out specific aspects of the wedding ceremony. Your mom may not be happy with this idea at first, but you can always let her know how much you value her talent and expertise in a certain area and how much it would mean to you if she tackled a particular project instead of something else.

According to Dr. Karen Fingerman (Penn State, 2001), university professor and author who has studied family dynamics for years, the mother-daughter relationship is complex but not as fragile as mothers and daughters often think. "The relationship between mothers and their adult daughters is one in which the participants handle being upset with one another better than any other," said Fingerman. Therefore, you shouldn't be afraid to tell your mother what help you need and what things you would prefer to organize yourself.

Arrange a "Play Date"

Planning a wedding can be super stressful, and if your mom is your wedding planner it can be easy for the mother-daughter relationship to become strained as disagreements occur and deadlines approach. You may feel torn between your mom and your mate as you struggle to get things done without neglecting your relationships. Most likely, the relationship with your mom will be the one to suffer the most as she begins to feel more like a laborer than one of the most important people in your life. You can help combat this by arranging a "play date" with your mom, during which the two of you can have some fun without talking about or focusing on the wedding. Plan a day at the spa or a weekend getaway, during which the two of you can de-stress. Let your mom know how much you appreciate everything that she has done and that no matter what the future holds, you will always love her.

Sources:

Penn State (2001). Conflict? Mothers and Their Adult Daughters Can Handle It. Science Blog.com.

Shaw, Gina (2008). Our Mothers, Ourselves: Mother-Daughter Relationships. Health Discovery.com.