When Your Mother-In-Law Gets Too Involved in Your Business

I have had THREE mother-in-laws, and let me tell you, I haven't gotten along with any of them! (At least not while married to their sons!) Never got to really know the first two, although my second mother-in-law and I are now on speaking terms, because of my children with my second husband. And my current mother-in-law, well, I've met her twice. In the two times I have met her, she has managed to make veiled insults to me, stir up problems between my husband and I, and basically just be a general all-around pain.

As of right now, while my husband is deployed, I am fighting with cps, due to "her" making some reports on me during a time a few months ago, when my husband and I were separated. Mind you, my mother-in-law has never even been in my home, as she lives in Hawaii, and we live in Oklahoma, and she's only been around me twice. How in the world would she know about my parenting skills, housekeeping skills, or anything else? I thank God everyday that there is such a thing as karma! Perhaps I am being spiteful? Or maybe I'm just tired of being harassed by someone that doesn't even know me, who feels the need to involve herself every chance she gets, in every little detail of our lives!

Unfortunately, mother-in-laws are a fact of life. If you are lucky, you'll get a wonderful mother-in-law who won't meddle, who will be your friend and who will love you as much as her own flesh and blood. If not, well, then I suspect you'll be like 80-90% of the rest of the population, and you'll end up with a mother-in-law who makes Medusa look mild by comparison! Just remember when you marry your spouse, you're also marrying their family! That sounds a bit extreme, but, it's true. As long as you're married to your spouse, your in-laws will be around!

I don't hold any real animosity towards my mother-in-law. I actually feel more sorry for her than anything. How sad it must be to be so desperate to hold onto your child, that you would interfere or attempt to interfere in their happiness. How desperate she must be to hold onto the illusion of perfection in herself and her own life, that she will deny the truth of her past mistakes, and attempt to transfer things onto myself. Yes, I just feel sorry for her.

And sometimes, I even regret that I'll never have a relationship with her.

You can't force someone to like you or mind their own business, and I honestly believe that mother-in-laws can be some of the nosiest, most vindictive people on that planet. I do understand that they have a lot of time and emotion put into their children, as a mother myself, I know that feeling. But some mother-in-laws have trouble letting their children go, and that can spell disaster for the spouse!

Some tips for dealing with a mother-in-law are:

Whatever you do, do not get into an argument or confrontation with her and try to force your spouse to take sides. It isn't fair to drag your spouse into the middle of drama between their own mother and yourself. Try to avoid conflict or argument at all costs, even if it means just walking away until you cool off.

DO talk to your spouse about the issue with their mother, and see what their opinions are on the matter. Try to take your spouse's lead in dealing with his/her mother, and make sure not to come across to your spouse as if you are trying to force them to take sides or "tattling" on their mother.

You and your spouse should never vent your problems to either set of parents, or any other family members. Family members are often too close to you and your spouse to be objective or neutral, and they usually already feel they have a right to get involved in your marriage because they are family. To avoid this, neither of you should talk about problems with anyone else.

Try to remember that your mother-in-law most likely really does have your spouse's best interests at heart, after all, that is her child. Remembering that this woman is your spouse's mother, and loves your spouse, can go a long way towards at least being able to have a civil relationship with her.

Accept the fact that your spouse loves his/her mother, and that their mother will always be a part of their life. Don't try to compete with your mother-in-law for your spouse's time, attention, or loyalty. If you think you might be able to resolve things with your mother-in-law, have a calm conversation with her, tell her how you feel, and ask her what she feels a good solution to the problem might be. This is also helpful to try if she involves herself in business between you and your spouse as well.

If all else fails, use the "smile and nod" technique, and just try to limit how much time you are around your mother-in-law. Don't be rude, abrupt or ignore her, just remain calm and civil.

Obviously, despite all efforts, sometimes you just can't get along with someone or be around them. That's ok, just don't put your spouse in the middle. Take the "high road" and do not allow your mother-in-law to goad you into confrontations or drag you down to her level by being spiteful or hateful.

Dealing with in-laws can be a tricky thing, but, all attempts at peace should be made. You do have one thing in common with your in-laws, your spouse!