When a Parent Doesn't Care: Being a Stronger Son or Daughter

To be a parent is an awesome responsibility. Many moms and dads don't know what they're getting into before they accept the weight of this responsibility. For one reason or another, some parents do not find themselves ready to devote themselves to the role of being a parent. They may live in the same house with their child for 20 years, but rarely ever crack a smile, offer a word of advice, or say "Job well done."

For many of the adults who have been raised by such a parent, or if you haven't but know someone close who finds holidays challenging to celebrate with their family, the list provided below offers 7 ways to be a stronger son or daughter.

1.) Don't Worry About Doing Things Perfect

You could drive yourself crazy trying to please your father or mother. Ultimately, their response will most likely not be very different than as it has been in the past. Of course, there are always surprises, but don't spend your life trying to orchestrate a surprise with him. If they want to improve their relationship with you, they know where to find you.

2.) Do Not Be Ashamed of Them

Some people worsen their feelings about their parents by comparing him to the other fathers and mothers they see, either in real life or on television. They look at every other parents' best moment, then they remember every worst moment of their own parent, and at the end of the process they are left feeling like they deserved better. Shame, however, only seems to cause distance. Just as most parents know they should not be ashamed of their children, it is also true that children should not be ashamed of their parents. Not everything they do is perfect, but not everything we do is either.

3.) Remember the Good Things You Have in Common

It was no accident that you were born with wonderful qualities that in some ways set you apart from others. This is because you were cut from the same cloth as your parent. No mother can claim total responsibility for all that is good in her child, and no dad can either. The birth of a child is a shared responsibility, so let your both of your parents have a little credit. And even if the only other thing you have in common is that you both like potato chips, give your parent credit for knowing how to pick a good snack. Of course, you can remember as many good things as you have the urge to.

4.) Be Forgiving

There are plenty of parents behave stupidly. Sometimes, an appointment slips their mind, or sometimes their priorities are not in order. Of course, some parents never even meet with or want to be known by their children. It doesn't matter if you're rich or poor, attractive or average, educated or if you are a high school dropout -- if your father or mother aren't caring to you, they simply aren't caring. It is natural for every child with a mother or dad like this to develop a sense of resentment, which in a way sets the pattern for the way they will relate with their own children if they should become a parent someday. If the only thing you have let yourself learn how to feel from your parents is emptiness and resentment, this will be the only thing you will know how to teach your child. Find a way to learn forgiveness, too. Maybe your father or mother can't teach you. Maybe you will have to learn it on your own, but it will make you a better person for others who really depend on you.

5.) Realize that You are Not Alone

It's natural to feel like you are the only one who has ever felt the way you do, but if you'll look around you'll notice that this is not true. Everyone's life is different from others, but in many ways we are quite a lot alike. Your situation is made only more frustrating when you internalize it, and you can't listen to and help others if you are only obsessed with your own feelings of sadness.

6.) Let Others Know How You Feel

On the other hand, if you aren't open with others, you will only be keeping them at a distance. So, don't be afraid to open up to those who care, and receive their help when it is available. It is not inappropriate to express to others how you feel, for example, even in the midst of their church celebration centered on family. You don't want to distract from the purpose of the celebration, but you do want to be valued as a member of the group. When you share your feelings, it allows your heart to warm up to others rather than to just stay cold.

7.) Be Thankful for Those Who Care for You

Even though you did not have much of a choice in the matter, the relationship you have had with your parents has never really blossomed into something better. However, don't let this blind you to the fact that there are many people who still do care for you. Be thankful for these people. Let them know you appreciate them, whether they be a relative, a spouse, a mentor, or a leader in your community. Chances are, they appreciate you too.

If you feel like your parents did not care for you as you grew, do everything you possibly can to care for others, because you know how important it is to be cared for.