When is Parental Pressure Too Much for the Child

All parents push their kids at least a little. It's part of the job. We stare straight in our baby's face and say "Mom" or "Dad" over and over to push them to talk. We hold them up and encourage them to try walking as soon as we think that they can do it. Parents pressure their offspring to be polite, learn to eat neatly, and be obedient. So, pressing them a little isn't such a bad thing. Even pushing them to do something before or better than someone else from time to time can be a good thing. It's not always about parental bragging rights.

Most parents work to reward their children for proper behavior. A good school paper goes on the refrigerator. Some type of bonus or treat for a good report card is often given as incentive to say both well done and do it again. We encourage them by cheering at their events. Parents help them with projects and practices to give them a leg up on the competition.

The problem comes when the parent begins to identify too much with the child's accomplishments. The parent feels embarrassed when their son or daughter doesn't measure up to some arbitrary and usually unrealistic standard set by the parent. This creates unnecessary stress on the child and often leads to a self-image of inferiority. They grow up believing that they can never be good enough to gain the affirmation and respect of the parent. Sometimes the child believes themselves to be damaged goods.

Excessive sports practice is one manifestation of a parent exerting too much pressure. It can be done under the guise of winning scholarships, but it is the parent trying to push the child to fulfill some vicarious need of the parent. Anything less than the most valuable player award is an unsatisfactory outcome. The parent feels the achievement of the child as their own. Instead of being proud of their child, the parent takes all of the glory for themselves. They regard their offspring as simply a tool to reach an end.

The same type of scenario plays out in academics, the arts, school government, beauty contests, and about anything else that either involves a competition, or the parent can contrive a competition with some classmate or peer. Over investment of emotion, time, and money to push their child on to victory is almost always a sure sign that the line between encouragement and pressure has been crossed.

The line between encouragement and pressure is not really so fine at all. It is divided at the point where the pressure passes from being beneficial to the child to becoming the obsession of the parent. Everyone needs a little pressure to do their best. But, being compelled to achieve continuously above your capabilities is too much.