When Parents Abandon Their Children

When a parent has abandoned his or her child it is important that the child (and everyone else in the family) understand that anyone who abandons a child does so as a result of panic or emotional problems or fear or even the belief that the child will be better off. Sometimes its substance abuse problems that turn people into someone they would not have otherwise been or that lead them to believe their child will be better off with them. Understanding, too, that even if the adults who knew the abandoner saw a horrible, selfish, jerk, when someone is that type of person it is usually the result of something bad in his/her own life; so that needs to be considered, even if it isn't an excuse.

When it comes to how early to present some facts to the child without presenting them in a way that leaves the child feeling more rejected than he should, I think for following ideas may be worth considering.

Its possible to tell children some version of what a parent has done as early as when the they start to ask, "Were did I come from?". Parents or other guardians, however, need to be careful to present children with a simple and brief explanation that doesn't include the term, "abandoned", and that helps children realize that helps children see the situation as something the parent in question may not have wanted at all.

For example, a five-year-old child can be told something like, "Sometimes when a lady or man have a new baby they know they're not able to take good care of the baby, so they give it to a mommy or daddy they know knows how to take good care of a baby." Children can also be told something like, "Most of the time when a lady or man has a baby they know how to be parents, but sometimes people didn't learn how to take care of babies from their own parents and just don't know what to do."

If a young child asks for more details a parent can simply say, "I don't know," or else, "We'll talk about that when you're a little bigger."

Presenting a young child with the "basic truth" can give him answers in a matter-of-fact and this-is-how-it-is way that doesn't have to make him feel as if his beginnings or his biological parent involved deep, dark, secrets or scandel.

If children ask where the parent is now its reasonable for a parent or guardian to say, "I don't know right now. The last time I knew where he was he was living in.." (for example) "Los Angeles and trying to work out all the things that he had to deal with."

A truthful but basic answer to questions that can arise as a result of, "Where did I come from?" or as a result of having friends who have two parents in their lives can answer a young child's questions and lay a foundation for future questions that will arise as the child gets older. Giving children that basic foundation of knowing a parent has "disappeared" from his life and understanding that some people are troubled and wouldn't make good parents is a way to tell children the truth without making it "The Gory Truth". Attempting to find the line between not presenting the parent as a poor, helpless, victim but not presenting him or her as evil, child-hater can be a challenge; but keeping the explanation of the situation simple and matter-of-fact may be able to help.

Pointing out to children that people cannot love people we don't know, but pointing out, too, that we can care about people we don't know may help children see the difference between the people we know and love and those who may have played a significant role in our lives even if we never get to know them or they, us.

If we keep in mind that people tend to run away from what they fear, from challenges they think they can't meet, from lives they think they may ruin if they remain present in them, and even from loving and being loved too much; it may help to put the cold, cruel, term, "abandonment", into a little perspective and to realize that a terrible act that comes from fear or weakness is not usually an act of indifference.