When Relationships Jump the Shark

The phrase "jump the shark" was first used in reference to Happy Days, a TV show whose quality slipped markedly after the famous episode in which the Fonz jumped over a shark on a surfboard or something to that effect. Since then, people have constantly been on the lookout for those types of TV moments. Personally, one of my favorite examples of shark-jumping happened on Family Matters. When Urkel started using his weird basement science projects to transform himself into his alter-ego Stefan, you just knew it was gonna go down the tubes. Actually, you could say that the jumping of the shark occurred back when they changed the theme song (remember when it was "What a Wonderful World?") and/or when the character of Judy mysteriously disappeared. However, I think those types of phenomena have different pop-culture names. I just don't know them.

Anyhow, this article is not about television. It is about relationships. The boy-girl kind. Actually I'd better say boy/girl, because boy-girl makes it sound more like I'm talking about hermaphrodites.

Now that that's settled, here's my point: romantic relationships, much like popular TV shows, tend to jump the shark somewhere along the line. I will now illustrate this through use of examples from my personal dating history, so that if something similar is happening to you, you will have been warned.

-if you yourself are unaware that you are dating someone, yet you find out that you've been described as that person's boyfriend or girlfriend to other people...is there even a shark to jump in this case? Well ok imagine that the aforementioned situation is true, plus they tell you that they like taking you places because it "makes them look good"... there you go. Jumping of the shark.

-if your significant other invites you out for dinner, and then when you show up they say they have no money and that you'll have to do a dine'n'dash at the local Denny's, and when you say you won't do it they present you with a handful of KFC coupons, the shark has jumped.

-if your date is foreign and you find yourself unable to understand each other most of the time, you probably shouldn't go any further. But if you do, and you're pretty sure that he told you he either worked at a camp for kids with AIDS or has AIDS himself (big difference!) please get out. Now. Especially if he has a habit of saying "Mom, I'm home!" and talking to imaginary red and blue wolves when his mother is dead and there are definitely no wolves in the immediate vicinity.

-if the person you are dating has 10-year old dirt under their fingernails, eats everything (regardless of size) in one bite, and whips their genitalia out at you at a carnival and later denies it, you should recognize that the relationship has jumped the shark. In a BIG way.

-if your date to Homecoming/the Sadie Hawkins Dance/Prom (who is a rebound, by the way) spends most of the night making out with their ex in a back hallway and then wait until you're out on the floor for a slow dance to ask you (also a rebound) if you'd be upset if they went home with aforementioned ex, your relationship has jumped the shark. Especially if you go home with your ex also. Double rebounds usually jump pretty quickly...but the good part is that neither participant usually minds that much.

-if your significant other tends to take offhand comments way too seriously, and as a result believes that you really want to get married and thus proposes to you at some inopportune time (such as onstage while their own band is playing to a full house which includes several of your exes), forcing you to say yes because if you didn't you'd ruin the whole night for everyone, it's jumped the shark. If you have to say yes now, break it off the next day. Don't stew for 3 months in your own resentful juices because things will only get worse.

-if you have even the slightest suspicion that your boyfriend/girlfriend is a bit more homo than hetero...get out before you really start to believe otherwise. There's nothing more humiliating than getting dumped by someone who has "decided" that they are gay than getting dumped by someone who your intuition told you was gay in the first place. Don't ignore blatant signs such as an insatiable love for Madonna or the suggestion that "your song" be one from the Little Mermaid soundtrack.

-if, on your first date, he or she plucks a single hair out of your head and places it lovingly into their wallet, RUN! Things will only get more bizarre. If you wait too long to acknowledge the jumping of THIS shark, you may have to talk them out of sending you an envelope filled with your own hair that they found around their apartment after your breakup and were too distraught to leave on the couch or bed or carpet as evidence.

-if you are with someone, and after getting you drunk on wine they invite you back to their apartment to watch the "Democratic National Convention", when really what they are planning on is showing you their rock collection and serenading you with odd little African instruments, followed by a sordid evening of sexual relations which ends up costing you your dignity plus $30 for a parking ticket...your one-night stand has jumped the shark.

There are many more examples that I could note here, but I think you get the point. Life is too short to spend too much time with people who are not good for you. When the right person comes along, you'll know it because they won't do crazy stuff like this! Be smart-learn to recognize a shark before you get jumped.