When Someone You Love is on Drugs

For the past five years I have been coping with a teenager who is a drug addict. A product of a divorce when he was five, my son was a strong willed child who I often felt inept at handling. He had frequent mood swings and temper tantrums though at times he was a very loving child. I had been raised by permissive parents and continued this mode of discipline or lack of with my son much to his own downfall. I had a hard time standing by boundaries I set due to parental interference. I was weak.

When he was 14 he began using drugs he acquired at school. I was oblivious partly due to the fact that he already had some behavioral problems. He began to have problems with teachers and at this time I removed him from the school system in an effort to home school him. This proved to be a feat in itself. I had problems motivating him to learn and lacked the patience needed to give him what he needed.

At the age of 16, his father gave him a car and he started dating. He fell hard at that time for a girl who later broke his heart. This began the downward spiral into total drug addiction. His frequent mood swings became much worse and I was often afraid of him when he came down off of whatever the drug of the week was. He would have rages and fits. He began to shoplift to buy drugs. This began a series of one arrest after another. After his second arrest, I determined I would no longer help him out of legal trouble in the hopes that taking responsibility for his messes would help him want to change. This proved to be a losing battle as his dad and my mother continued to buy his way out of legal messes. I begged them to please stop buying his way out so that he could go to a juvenile detention center. It was my hope that there he might wake him up to where he was heading. My fear was also that if they continually got him out of trouble while he was underage he would one day have to pay by going to an adult facility. At this time, I had learned to set boundaries and had learned from my mistake. My hope was if I stayed strong he might have a chance to overcome.

After his second arrest his dad and I began to look at options for treatment for him. He was adamant about not receiving any. It was a very bad time. We felt helpless, scared and at wits end on how to now help our son. At one point we found a treatment center that would take a non compliant patient against their will. It was a locked facility. We had an escort lined up to meet us one hour from our house at the airport and transport him to Florida. I tricked my son into coming to my house where his father grabbed him and put him in a van. His father then phoned the escort to confirm he had our son in his possession but when the escort heard him yelling and cussing in the background he refused to take him. With much defeat and frustration, we ended up taking him to the police who initiated having him committed to a facility in our area. This facility could only keep him seven days. We both felt very helpless.

He at one time went to outpatient counseling under the pretense of seeking drug abuse assistance and obtained prescription medications which he overused. He began to learn how to work the system to get prescription drugs. He visited many different doctors and emergency rooms to obtain pills. During one of his court battles, he was sentenced to attend an outpatient drug support group. There he found more friends on drugs who also helped him acquire more drugs.

Eventually, due to the court system my son did go to a 28 day rehab program which his father, my mother, and I paid for. The cost was six thousand dollars plus. His counselors informed me that he was one of the best patients they had had in years. He was on track and committed to changing his lifestyle. It was the first time he had actually seemed at peace and happy in years. I was ecstatic. The facility had him on anti-depressants as well as some other medications that seemed to really be helping. Upon release, he was given no medication and no means of counseling. He was to initiate this himself. By the time he found a new doctor and counselor willing to treat him he had already returned to his previous lifestyle.

After twenty six arrests, my son eventually ended up going to a juvenile prison for males under the age of twenty-one. This prison is composed of those who had committed misdemeanors as well as felons. He stayed there for six months. Upon his release, he vowed he would never go back. Since that time he has been arrested five more times and is currently still going through the court system. He did obtain a job which he held for a number of weeks before sinking back into the drug lifestyle. At this point, he has no job and is currently on drugs again. Sadly, he will eventually go back to prison if he continues this path.

I have spent many sleepless nights waiting on the phone to ring to be informed my son is dead. Oftentimes I prayed in desperation that if this was what my son had to look forward to the rest of his life then for God to take him now. I have had many nights the phone rang and it was him calling from the jail to beg me to get him out. Those were nights I slept well as jail is preferable to death. I knew he was not out on the streets overdosing or being shot at. I have cried, begged and pleaded with both him and God to no avail. Eventually, I came to a point of realizing that I have no control over this and have given it totally over to God. Without faith, I would have long ago been committed to a mental institution. Based on my experiences with my son, I offer you these suggestions for coping with a teenager who is a drug addict:

1. Blame does not help. Blaming oneself for your failings as a parent does not change anything whatsoever. An important lesson for me was to accept my responsibility in what has happened but also to forgive my responsibility in it as well. I love my son dearly. I did not discipline him and set boundaries in the way he needed when he was growing up. I cannot change that now.

2. You must set boundaries and stand by them. At one time, I informed his dad and my mother that the next person that bought his way out of trouble would be taking him to raise. His dad broke down after my son had spent four days in jail and continually begged him to get him out. When his dad got home, he found my son's clothes on his porch.

3. You cannot impose treatment on someone who does not want it. It is a waste of effort, time and money. Realize you have no control over other people and their choices. My son never wanted treatment. Although he did gain some benefit by it when imposed by the court system he remains today a drug addict who does not want to change. That is not saying he cannot change and that is not saying I will help him if he chooses to change. I will always help him if and when he chooses to get help.

4. Don't be ashamed or afraid to seek support. Al-Anon and CODA (Codependents Anonymous) are both wonderful groups. I personally recommend CODA; however, do not go with the mindset they will help you change your teenager. They will only help you cope with your teenager and empower you to make the right decisions in upholding tough love. Any twelve step program can be beneficial in providing support and letting you know that you are not alone. Counseling can also be very beneficial. If you have younger children in the house obtain counseling for them. They will need coping mechanisms as well as they are usually operating under a fearful state, may have difficulties concentrating in school and also may exhibit behavior problems as well.

5. Refuse to be an enabler. Do not provide your teenager with transportation, money, or any other means in which to meet his goals of obtaining drugs. Assume that while on drugs your teenager does not have a conscience. He/she will steal from you and have no qualms about it. Do not leave your money, prescription medicines, or car keys accessible at any times. Don't let them pull your strings. When they threaten to do this or that if you do not help them, tell them they are responsible for their behavior. My response is, "I'm not helping" or "you make your own choices".

6. Do what is right. If your child breaks the law then he is a criminal. Do not buy his way out of trouble. I believe that if my son had been held accountable when he was younger he may have stood a better chance. Buying them out only makes them think they can continue the behavior with little to no consequence. Don't look back and later regret not making them accountable while you still had the chance. Tough love now could later save their life.

7. Be strong. If your teenager is breaking the law in your home such as damaging your property or threatening you then respond by calling the police. Let them know this behavior is not acceptable in your home. It took me a while to get over being afraid of my teenager. Finally, I realized that I must protect myself and my younger child. I learned to call the police for assistance. This usually resulted in my son running from the police, but the result was that he was not in my or my daughter's presence inflicting fear upon us. This was not ideal but it let my son know that he would not disrupt our lives and control us. He no longer behaves in this manner in my presence as he knows the end result will not be good.

8. Offer your support. Listen to them and let them know you love them no matter what. In many cases, the teenager has other issues such as untreated depression or anxiety. Do not call them names or treat them with disrespect. This will only enforce their belief that they are worthless. Find ways to show your love without enabling them. With my son I feed him when he is hungry and hug him when he will allow it. I show him pictures of himself when he was young and happy. I tell him that I am proud of him in those times when he handles himself well and strives to improve. When he comes down from one of his crazed drug induced states I simply ask, "Is there anything I can do to help?"

9. Remember while there is breath there is hope. You can accept what you cannot change without giving up. If you have a faith based religion, use it. Put it in God's hands and leave it there.