When Your Spouse is in the Military

Being a military spouse is almost as difficult as being in the military itself. In my opinion, when you're married to someone in the military, you're married TO the military! I know, that sounds a little extreme... But in my situation, it seems to hold true. My husband and I are dealing with our first deployment. He's Active Duty in the Army National Guard, and I am a proud Army National Guard Wife. Yes, I'm extremely proud of my husband and his service to our country, but it's got a huge set of drawbacks and challenges that go right along with it. We are constantly having to work harder at our marriage than most couples do!

Marriage to someone in the military can be stressful, especially if you don't have a strong support system in family members, friends or other military spouses. In my case, I am not that close to my family (at least distance-wise!), I have very few close friends, and I don't know ANY of the other military spouses. It's been a real challenge and has been a source of heartache at times. I have had to seek the help of a professional counselor, find new hobbies and interests, and plenty of ways to stay busy. It's been one of the most difficult things I've ever dealt with. My concern about my husband and his safety overshadow a lot of my waking thoughts. There is a strong sense of pride that I am a Military Wife, I am so proud of my Husband for serving our country, and proud of my part to help him to do that... But it's not easy trying to be his support system, because I need one too. Perhaps this is why a lot of Military families end up broken or so unhappy, because of the stress of the situations they find themselves in, and the fact that both partners need emotional, mental, moral support; and often find it difficult to rely on one another for that support. You are ultimately your spouse's biggest support person/system, it's absolutely essential that you keep yourself healthy and as stress-free as possible, so that you can BE the support he/she needs.

I can't tell him of the little, everyday stresses of things whenever he is deployed and is going to be in some pretty serious situations, that are actually a matter of life and death. It is so important not to stress your deployed spouse out while they are "over there" with the stresses of home. Telling them about day to day life is fine, but don't burden them with the stresses at home, they might be in a situation where they need complete focus to stay alive, and they don't need to be distracted or worried by problems at home. This is not to suggest that you don't tell him/her of any problems at all, but DON'T dwell on the problems or expect them to "fix" the problems or stresses, when they're not here.

Staying close to your spouse and maintaining the lines of communication is difficult too, when your spouse is in the military. The military consumes so much of your spouse's time, and in turn, yours. It can be really difficult to even HAVE contact with your spouse at times, so it's really important to make sure that every communication you have with your spouse counts. Keep the lines of communication open through letters, notes, email, phonecalls, etc... When they come home on leave, although it may be tempting to try to schedule lots of visits with family and friends who'd like to spend time with your spouse too, try to make sure there's also plenty of "alone" time for you and your spouse, and family time for your spouse, yourself and any children you may have.

My husband and I are expecting a baby in February 2008, he will be sitting in Iraq by then. This is not the way we planned things, but, we're determined to make things work, regardless, and we've got a plan of action, to make sure he misses as little as possible, even though he'll be halfway around the world. Make YOUR support and action plan BEFORE your spouse deploys, and stick with it. Your marriage and sanity depend on it!