When Your Stepchildren Show No Interest in Attending Your Wedding

Although they are not officially your stepchildren yet, you've already claimed them. And as you plan your wedding day, including your stepchildren in this important, life-changing moment is at the forefront of your mind. It never occurred to you that they would be anything less than enthused about your wedding. But what if they show no interest whatsoever in attending?

The feeling that your stepchildren have zero interest in attending your wedding can be quite devastating, especially if you have been with their father for some time and thought you had formed a bond with them. You may have even heard other stepmothers beam about how happy their stepchildren were to be a part of their wedding. To wonder why your experience is so different from theirs is normal. However, there are plenty of other stepmothers out there who have traveled down the same road as you, and it is important to realize that the reasons why your stepchildren show no interest in attending your wedding probably have very little to do with you as a person.

Your Gain is Their Loss

If your stepchildren aren't interested in attending your wedding (or don't appear to be) and don't care to discuss the matter with you, they may become despondent whenever you share the details of your wedding plans with them. They may even try to create strife between you and their father with hopes that one of you will call the wedding off. Particularly if you have never been a stepmother before, you may not understand why your stepchildren aren't happy to be gaining a "second mom" who loves them as if they were her own. The best thing to do in such a situation is to try to view this from the perspective of the children.

In her book, The Courage to be a Stepmom, author Sue Patton Thoele notes that remarriage can bring about feelings of loss in children, especially if they are young and had been secretly hoping that their mother and father would get back together:

"Remarriage shatters a child's hope of reunion. As their hope slips away, children often begin a natural grieving process, one they could postpone when there was still a possibility that their parents would reunite." (p. 11).

Your stepchildren may like or perhaps even love you, but the fact that you represent a loss to them produces a range of complex emotions that they may not be able articulate. Their frustration may lead them to act out or completely withdraw from you. It makes sense then that they would show no interest in attending your wedding!

Alliance with Bio-Mom

There's a scene in the movie, Stepmom (1998), when bio-mom Jackie (played by Susan Sarandon) is horseback riding with her two children, Anna and Ben, and Ben opens up to his mom about his father's love interest (played by Julia Roberts), who eventually becomes the children's stepmom.

"I think she's pretty!" Ben says to his mother, blushing.

"Yeah, if you like big teeth!" Jackie replies with sarcasm.

After picking up on his mom's bitterness, Ben replies, "Mommy, if you want me to hate her I will!"

This scene humorously depicts what many children go through as their fathers find new love interests and their mothers express disapproval. If their mother is still single and/or appears to be unhappy, the children are likely to be highly protective of her and concerned about her feelings. The more that they care for you, the more they may feel guilty about it. This is another reason why they may show no interest in attending your wedding; they do not want to appear as though they are betraying their mother.

Don't Force It

You may have it set in your mind that your future stepchildren will enjoy the wedding if only they will come! However, the more you try to force a positive outcome, the more upset and heartbroken you will be if things don't work out the way you had hoped. Their mom might intervene and come up with a reason why the children cannot be there. Or the kids themselves may make excuses, just so they don't have to deal with the awkwardness and the stress. Even worse - they may attend the wedding and behave miserably, putting a damper what should have been a happy and special day.

In a best-case scenario, both the bio-mom and your hubby-to-be will sit down with the kids (minus you) and let them know that it is okay for them to be happy for their father and to embrace you as their stepmom. They'll reassure the kids that no matter what, they will always love them and that it is okay for them to let you love them too. Unfortunately, it may take well beyond your wedding date for this situation to work itself out. And the best thing that you can do in order to start your marriage off on the right foot is to accept reality with a spirit of compassion and forgiveness - no matter how difficult that might be.

Sources:

Bass, R. et al. (Producers) & Columbus, C (Director). (1998). Stepmom [Motion picture]. United States: 1492 Pictures.

Thoele, S. (2003). The Courage to be a Stepmom. Tulsa: Council Oak Books, LLC.