When Your Teen Asks to Go Live with Your Ex

If you are the divorced parent of a teen and have primary custody, a request by him or her to go live with your ex can be quite devastating, not to mention downright heartbreaking! Aside from being fearful of losing a custody battle in court, it's also normal to experience feelings of rejection and failure. You may wonder why your ex is the preferred parent and what it was that you did to push your teen away.

Before jumping the gun, consider the possibility that you are actually not at fault. Teens will be teens, and their endless pursuit of freedom from rules and regulations may cause them to use any means necessary. When a divorced parent warns, "It's my way or the highway," a teen that has another parent's house to go to may very well take the out, especially if the other parent is offering promises of a better life with them.

There are other reasons why your teen might want to go live with your ex. If you're the mom of a teenage son, he may identify more with his father and want to be around him more. This preference is considered perfectly normal by many psychologists. To a mother, however, it can be a very painful reality.

Irrespective of gender, a child who is living with a parent that has remarried may feel a host of emotions ranging from jealousy to resentment - especially if a new sibling enters the equation. When blended family life proves too stressful for a teen, he or she may seek refuge with the other parent.

If your teen has asked to go live with your ex, there are a few things that you can and should do to work through this situation.

Know the law

A teen's preference to live with a particular parent carries a great deal of weight in court, even though the ultimate goal is to decide what is genuinely in the best interest of the child. The court may grant temporary or permanent custody, or decide that things should remain as they are. Arm yourself with knowledge before you become engaged in a potentially nasty custody battle so that you will have an idea of what may lie ahead. When in doubt, consult with an attorney. Many parents avoid the legal red tape by working such matters out amongst themselves.

Have a heart-to-heart with your ex

If you have a relatively amicable relationship with your ex or are at least able to have a civil conversation with him or her, you should probably initiate this conversation as soon as your teen expresses an interest in changing households. Has your teen voiced specific complaints about you to your ex that you should be aware of? Has your ex invited your teen to come live with him or her behind your back? These are issues that you should try to get to the bottom of before you decide on any other course of action.

Consider family counseling

When you and your ex divorced, your teen may have picked up the message that "When the going gets tough, the tough get going - literally!" This view, when applied to relationships in particular, can possibly set the stage for a lifetime of heartache and dysfunction as your teen grows up not knowing how to work through conflict in their interpersonal relationships. Although your feelings may be hurt because your teen has expressed a desire to live with your ex, consider your teen's future and what role you can play now in helping him or her learn healthier ways to deal with relationship issues. Even if your ex does not buy into the counseling idea, you can still look into this for you and your teen.

Be prepared to let go

In the end, the best thing that you can do for your own sanity may be to find the strength to let go. Whether or not your teen has valid reasons for wanting to live with your ex, when all else fails, letting go is the recommended course of action. This means not picking fights with your ex or trying to paint him or her out to be a bad parent, not sending your teen on a guilt trip and not beating yourself up - though it may be very challenging to avoid doing all of these things.

Continue to love your teen and be there for them as much as they will allow you to be. There is always the possibility that they will express a desire to return to live with you in the not-so-distant future, having learned that the grass was not necessarily greener on the other side of the fence.

Sources:

Blackstone-Ford, Jann. Teen Wants to Live with His Other Parent. BonusFamilies.com.

McCracken, Bruce. Your Kid Wants To Live With Ex. Divorce360.com.

Perry, Nancy. Divorce Law: Child Wants to Live with Ex. Divorce360.com.