When and How to Tell Your Child They Were Adopted

We adopted our adorable daughter at age 3. She was old enough (and bright enough) to realize a lot, and to miss her mom and step dad. We slept by her bed at night for awhile, and when she would reach out, we would hold her hand, or hug her to reassure her. We also surrounded her bed with stuffed animals and baby dolls, so she would not feel alone. I remember that we used to rub her back gently, to soothe her when she would go to bed. We could see that she was responding to our love, because when we walked into her room, we would often observe her do the same thing for her baby dolls.

As time went on, and she made the adjustment to a new home, we gradually introduced the concept of being "adopted" as being very special. We told her that she was so special, that we chose her to be our child. We never tried to hide the fact that she was adopted, because we never wanted to lie to her about anything, or to have a huge family secret that would need to be dramatically revealed at a later date. I feel that young children adjust better to the idea of being adopted, and older children tend to feel betrayed, if you have kept it from them for a long time. They wonder what else you may be hiding.

There are children's books about adoption that are very helpful, as well as books for adults to read, about some of the challenges that you are likely to face. Our daughter always had a good feeling about adoption. When she entered the higher grades at elementary school, and proudly told everyone that she was adopted, then it became an issue. Some of the other kids were very surprised and curious, and we had to deal with some inquisitive, and sometimes hurtful remarks. Every time that my daughter had questions or needed to talk, I was there for her, to honestly answer the things that I could, and to reassure her of our love. But it didn't happen all that often.

When she was a younger child, and begin to want to know more about her mother, we explained that her mother loved her very much, but was not able to take care of her. Her reaction was very sad, because as smart as she was, she answered, "Yes she could! She could change my diapers and feed me a bottle!" I calmly and soothingly explained, that I knew that she missed her, and that her mom wanted her to be in the best place possible, and because she loved her so much, and knew that she couldn't take proper care of her, she let us be the mommy and daddy.

We decided that we would be a unique family unit, during my daughter's growing up years, without contact or interference from her birth parents, who were divorced. We needed a chance to be a true family. But when she would ask questions, we explained that when she was older (18), if she wanted to find her mom, we would help her. We emphasized that until then, we wanted to be our own special family. As it turned out, our daughter did not ask a lot of questions about her mom and dad, until her teen years. There were a few questions here and there, and we always answered them honestly, to the best of our ability. If there was a topic that was better addressed at an older age, we said that we would talk about the details more, in the future. For us, this worked best, because our child was the type that would have been "fixated" on the details, such as her mother's name, and other specifics.

I personally feel that it is always good to speak of the birth mom and dad, in the best light possible. It makes the child feel less rejected to know that they were loved deeply by the birth parents, but they just weren't able to give them the kind of home, that they wanted the child to have. I believe there is definitely some middle ground between "over glamorizing" the birth parents, and talking negatively about them. Each family has to find their own balance in this, but always think about the child and their welfare. Again, it is so important to make them feel loved by their birth parents, because they will most likely be dealing with insecurities and feelings of rejection, as a result of being given up for adoption. In most cases, it is a sacrifice and the utmost loving act, for the birth mom to place her child for adoption. Sometimes there are financial concerns, and other times there may be a lack of maturity or ability, to deal with the responsibilities of raising a child. I so admire moms who choose adoption, when they know they cannot be the parent that the child needs and deserves. It takes a lot of courage.

Now that our daughter is 18, she has asked about finding her mom. We do not feel threatened by this in any way, and we intend to keep our promise to help her in the search. Some children may choose to find their birth parents, and others may not, but it is no reflection on their love for the adoptive parents, and should never be viewed as such. We know we will always be her mom and dad. There should be no competition or rivalry, but a sincere attempt to be gracious and kind. Always consider the feelings of your child, and what is healthiest emotionally for them.

Adoptions are much more open these days, but it is up to each individual family as to what arrangement they choose. Some parents still prefer anonymity and privacy, and that is totally understandable. Others have even made the birth mother part of the extended family. We did not feel this would work in our situation, and though the birth mother knew who we were, she complied with our wishes to be left alone to raise our child. I believe that was her desire also.

Whatever your decision, always put the best interests of the child, and the family unit, first. I do not believe that secrecy, concerning adoption, is a good idea, as it will probably not be a secret for very long, with all the information readily available these days online, and through background checks, etc. It is important to establish a bond of trust and honesty with your child. This does not mean telling every detail, but determining, as we did, how to best be a family. Each family will find their own solution to many of these issues, but I'm sure it is helpful to hear from someone who's been there.

Adoption is a wonderful process, and it is something to be celebrated, not hidden.