When is it Time to Throw in the Towel?

For months now we have watched a friend's marriage deteriorate. Today he sat on our couch unlike we'd ever seen. He talked on the phone with his wife about calling it quits. This was a painful experience as was my divorce, or any one's. Many topics came up today between the three of us, some sad, some happy, and some extremely hard. I am not one to give advice because I don't want to anyone to regret following it later in life. I simply state my opinion as my reader's know.

When do you decide that your marriage isn't worth working out anymore? When do you say enough is enough? I will not share their story today, out of highest respect, but I am going to share some of his questions and my experiences. I had many memories today while trying to be there for our friend. Not all of them were pleasant, but it really made me ponder some issues.

The first question that got me is when he asked me; "Is it worth trying to work it out if it is bound to fail?" Ya know, I can't really answer this one, I can only share my experience and opinion. First of all, I believe we preset our own destiny in things like this. My opinion is that if we tell ourselves it might not work out; chances are higher that it won't. I answered him with the following experience. Look man, I was married for 11 years. Probably the last four we had our problems, and things were going downhill fast. The thing that worked best for us was that we took time apart, completely apart. We cooled down and set a date. This date was to where we would both be clear headed and could talk. This gave us time to decide what we really wanted. It gave me time to decide whether I wanted to put my effort into the marriage or not. This grace period was usually a night or two. He would stay downstairs and I upstairs. My marriage still failed, but at least I can say that we both tried. I don't have a single doubt in my head that I didn't give it my all. And that leaves me with comfort and ease because I didn't leave room for wondering if I made a mistake.

The second question he asked me that threw me for a complete loop was; "When is your health more important than your marriage?" Oh how I almost fell to the floor in tears of the pain that grasped my heart. Again, I will not go into his story, but I will in mine. I was married at 16 because I was pregnant, and it was the right thing to do. We loved each other, and it felt right. We had a good life and worked hard. Alcohol becoming a part of our lives, his sooner than mine. We went through many struggles and many great times as well. The one thing that hurt us was that he was addicted to sex. For 11 years, I swore I would never get divorced like my mother and remarried. I was going to be like my "Mammaw" and stay with this man no matter what. Nine years later and alcohol as my crutch, I was put in the hospital for being overstressed. I spent a week in the great Intensive Care Unit. We again decided to work it out. The end of the eleventh year, I woke up during another "break" we took! Our breaks got longer the last couple of years. This one took me a week of drinking myself to sleep to wake up and realize I was almost 6 feet under. We set our date to meet and both agreed on divorce.

Folks, maybe I waited too long and wasted many years of my life for the inevitable, but I can't change what is done. We get along fine now for the fact of our son. My ex-husband is doing good in the matter that he is finally talking about his problems with his current wife, of course with help of a professional.

The last question that hit me like a rock was "What do I do when I have no where to go, have nothing, and am broke?" At this point, I told him that I don't offer advice normally but as I seen it that is a personal issue he needed to resolve with himself. I had gotten to where I did not care if I was homeless and living in my half dead car. However, I had never stayed for the many comforts of life that we had. I understand his position completely in my current situation. I am presently unemployed and starting college. I live with the love of my life but do ponder if something were to happen to us. I have no friends I can move in with, my car is won't make it to the closest family, and I have nothing here in Memphis. However, I worked my tail end off until I got sick in October, my boyfriend has his own business which I was paying for most of the time, and we both agreed I would go to school instead and look for a job outside of being a bartender. You see my love and I, we work together. I might have paid the bills or majority of the bills during his first year of business, but now he is paying the bills. We don't do it because we owe it to each other or keep tabs. We do it because we are in love.

I don't know when it is time for a person to call it quits. I do believe that the first step is looking deep into yourself and finding out why you are married to begin with. We know who we marry when we do most of the time, and they don't always change. Sometimes we put up with things that hurt us the most because we are blinded by love. I wouldn't change any of it today. I became wiser, more patient, and gained a head full of "what not to do next time!" Try taking that time to examine yourself by yourself. At least that is what my best outcome was. Then talk it over as a team when you are calm and clear headed. Maybe it will work out for the best and maybe the worst. Personally, I will not quit anything without giving it my all, even if I do fail. Love in the past, present, and future is a beautiful thing even if it doesn't always work out the way that you want it. I have a wonderful child who loves unlimitedly and wholly. I have the love of my life now who doesn't cheat on me, beat me, or drink hardly.

One last thought to ponder.............. Fear plays a big role in our lives and can completely control us. My learning lesson was that I was afraid to be alone.