When Your Toddler Hits: Take the Road Less Traveled to Stop Aggression

"What you resist persists." - Many of us have heard this adage, but it may be hard to apply when your toddler is in the throes of very active and possible harmful physical expression. When a toddler hits, kicks, or bites, our very first impulse is usually to find a way to block the behavior and prevent it from ever happening again. Digging a little deeper beneath the surface of the behavior will yield beneficial results, however.

A common message inherent in toddler aggression is, "I'm so uncomfortable with what I'm experiencing right now that I really need to show you I need help." A very helpful first step in responding to an act of aggression is to look back in your day. Has your child had enough sleep? Enough food? Enough attention? Taking preventative steps to balance out your child's environment will go a long way toward preventing unpleasant interactions.

Have snacks readily available-remember how those little bodies grow and grow! Make sure to take the time for enough one-on-one and physically active play. Create restful, calming environments when it appears your child needs to wind down-dimmed lights, cuddle time, reading stories.

Say an internal "thank you" for the message your child is sending. "Thank you!? You want me to say thank you when I've just been smacked in the head with a Teletubbies bicycle helmet?" Yes, indeed. Not only will it help put you in a better mental place before you respond to your child's behavior, it will also remind you that what you're responding to is actually a request for assistance. Your child is so young, and you've got plenty of time to work your way into finding more mutually agreeable ways of communicating.

In the first few moments after the behavior has occurred, you can make a choice about the messages you want to send. You can send messages of resistance and judgment, telling your toddler what not to do, labeling the behavior or even the person as bad, or you can find a way to connect with your child and flow with the situation in judgment-free way. Taking option two is the road less traveled because it bypasses knee-jerk reactions and assumptions that one needs to dominate one's child, but it is well worth the extra effort to build a strong relationship and a good foundation for peaceful communication.

Your child's expression of aggression is an attempt to change the way things are going through behavior that disturbs. If you speak harshly or attempt to dominate in an intimidating way, you are reflecting back at your child that aggression yields positive results, that actively inducing unhappiness in another is a necessary part of life.

So what can you do in the moments immediately following a display of aggression?

- As much as possible, bypass taking it personally. Put the physical sensation into perspective. Yes, you were scratched, but will you live to see another day? Do puppies scrapping (and negotiating) with their littermates get distracted into tangents of feeling persecuted? Accept how you feel, and take steps toward feeling better by focusing on encouraging thoughts.

- Focus immediately on how your child is feeling. As far as language allows, explore that with her.

"You thought that would make you feel better."

"You're feeling something big and hard (patting chest or tummy) in there right now. Let's find a way to feel better."

- Offer alternatives. "You want to do something big. Let's hit the ball against the wall. Wow, it makes a really loud sound when it hits the metal door!"

- Assess cause. Is it simply a need for more activity? Swoop into active play. Run and invite your child to chase you. Is it just low blood sugar? "How about a snack?"

- Focus on what you do want. "I want to feel safe. I want other kids to feel safe when they play with you."

- If nothing else seems to be working, stay in a good place for both yourself and your child. Offer accepting and encouraging messages.

"It's okay. We'll find a way to feel better."

"We can work it out."

"We'll figure this out."

"Can you think of a way to feel better?"

Notice how there is no advice here to try to stop the behavior directly by saying no, punishing, or launching into lengthy explanations. This is the road less traveled-you're looking for cause and working with your child to heal it. You can take the path of resistance, but the path recommended here is one of deep communication. Your child will understand over time that that when faced with aggression, you take immediate action to redirect the behavior and connect with her. She will come to know that aggressive physical acts will not be tolerated, but in the most gentle, accepting, and loving of ways.

Some of the sweetest words I've heard from my son are, "Mama, I want to feel better." Children truly do find new and better ways of communicating when treated gently and respectfully in their most challenging moments.