When I Visit Here

an involuntary journey,

A response. An unwritten speech,

a few minutes before delivery.

All grows quiet,

the pause before impact,

When I perceive the hit;

the hour it takes for

less than a second to pass.

When I visit here,

an unplanned trip,

An empty room

the color is always the same.

Sometimes my heart,

in frozen confusion,

Beats away from me

to escape the impact.

When I visit here,

parasitic control,

I become vacant; vessel,

despairing host.

This is not fair.

But fair is not what

fair is about, until it's gone,

I fear, I doubt.

You'll return, enemy or friend,

Until we both,

Do meet at the end.

You're savage when,

you prey on me.

I'm so alone,

how you like us to be.

I talk to you,

ask you to go,

In turn, you continue,

savagely grow.

You invite me here,

so often of late,

But I can't say no,

you say "it's your fate."

While we argue and yell,

I can't break free,

Perhaps it is I who need you,

instead of me.

When I visit here,

the hell expands,

A feeling or just leftovers,

of what I am.

My mother, her sister,

when was that?

That I became, it was not then,

but way before that.

You're stupid.

This one, I do know.

Yes, dad, you fuck,

Your tumor explodes.

An eight-year-old boy,

who assures me you went under,

No visions, no toys,

Just clouds; loud thunder.

Today, at Times Square,

I thought about you,

I wonder, if surgically,

you can be removed.

I'm left with a piece,

a recurring dream,

When I visit here,

no motion. just theme.

I will break from it,

someday, Stuart I will miss,

You will finally overcome me,

just impact, no bliss.

I can't kill you,

without killing me.

My life you have ruined,

drugs and drink help me flee.