When Your Whole Family Thinks You're a Loser
Beyond Being the "Black Sheep" of the Family
We all know that everyone makes mistakes. However, some people are forced to wear theirs exteriorly. Like the single girl who gets pregnant and her public watches her lapse in judgement get bigger by the week. Or maybe she decides to marry the ignorant criminal everyone told her not to, then gets "I told you so" when he beats the crap out of her, ruins her life and disappears. Maybe it's someone who has no direction and no discipline, unable and unwilling to stay at a job long enough to support himself. They have no stability and no self respect. They need more than they can give and they care more about their addictions than anything else. These people are the losers: the losers of society, and sadly the losers of their families too.
Some call it "tough love" and some call it "not supporting bad choices." However it's phrased, it is the act of turning the back on a loved one. And what it's actually called is, "You are so stupid for not doing what I've clearly outlined is the right thing to do, and you bother me too much to associate with anymore." It sure is tough, but there's nothing loving about it. And this is also the point at which a family member makes it nothing about bad choices and all about themselves.
Turning the back is one way family members deal with this person. Another is the "venting" to fellow functioning family members about the frustration this person causes. And the repeated discussions about what this person "needs to do". What it's actually called is gossip, and is absolutely of no benefit to the person who is obviously in need of "improvement." What's even worse is when said family members actually make fun and have a laugh at this person's expense. This is a clear example of individuals in need of someone more of a mess than they are as a means of feeling better about themselves. And they may think that since it's behind the person's back, they won't know about it. But they know it's happening, and they won't forget it.
People with family members who are not living well and making a mess of their lives need to choose very carefully how to deal with them. If it is not out of love or selfishly motivated, it will contribute only to the continued self-destruction this person is engaged in. If they want to be part of the solution, be in it for the long haul. The troubled family member will hopefully get better one day. If only at that point they finally feel accepted by their family, they will realize that they weren't good enough for them before, and they will resent it.
Families should think about the future in this sense: If the "loser" recovers, they will look back and realize that while they were acting like a fool, the rest of the family was laughing at them and judging them. They will have difficulty trusting those people again. They will remember those who were legitimately concerned for their well-being and those who required a certain level of performance in order to grant acceptance.
To be the "loser" of the family is to be very lonely and hopeless. It does not inspire change or betterment. It fuels anger and resentment, and gives the feeling that there really is nobody on your side. It causes further disconnection and alienation.
How tragic is it for a child to have nothing invested in them as future adults, then when they go out in the world and make an ass of themselves to be ridiculed by the very people who failed them?
To be a great family to each other, be motivated by love for one another. When this is the case, no decision in the world will cause one of them to be seen as a "loser" at all.
Published by Superdork
I am a wife, and a mother of two children. These two roles are my favorite parts of being alive. I'm one of the most imperfect humans I know. And I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. View profile
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23 Comments
Post a CommentStory of my life. My parents never really taught me anything about life and the do's and don'ts of this world/working life. They always babied me because they never really wanted me to grow up...until I was 18 years old but there were still times they would baby me but other moments they would treat me like an adult (like getting a job), I was like a on and of switch for them.
Now I am in depression haven't had a real job in 4 years because I just can't handle everyday things/life only because I wasn't taught right. Yeah I know it's easy to blame ppl...but honestly I'm not the type to blame. I do understand what it's like to be a black sheep and family and friends look down on you. It's easy for people to say what you should/shouldn't do and what you can/can't do. plus the talking about your back and what not...it makes a person even more depressed and not care about anything/anymore.
People should be ashamed because someday that could be them on the other side of the tracks.
Just wanted to say thanks! You gave me the idea for my new article just published "Family Relationships:When Your The "White Sheep" Of the Family". I Hope you'll read it!
Excellent article! And so true. One finds out rather quickly, which family members truly care, if any, when we so call mess up!
This has got to be difficult. My family has always supported me even when I made mistakes, so it is hard to fathom, but the article was touching ! THanks for sharing !
PS...the only losers are the ones that choose NOT to help themselves.
You haven't dealt with a teenager daughter have you? I agree with most of your article, however, sometimes as a parent no matter what you do to help, it doesn't sink in. Most of the time when family members turn their backs on others, it's because they are tired of being treated with disrespect and won't tolerate it anymore. There's two sides to every coin, and take it from me...I've been on one side, and am now on the other. There is no reason for ridicule though, I do agree with that, and everyone does make mistakes especially at a young age. There's also mistrust of the person that the back was turned on, that is another reason people turn their backs. Disrespect and loss of trust. Great article!
Wow, this really hit home for me. I've always been the "looser" of the family. It was so bad that I left home at 16. Even though I've managed to pull my life together really well (college, marriage, etc, they will still never let me forget that I had two children out of wedlock, or never stop being disgusted with the fact that i have tattoos. They will never stop thingking I'm a 16 year old screw up, no matter what I do. They will always question everything I do, and never pass up the chance to mock me. I've come to terms with that the best I can, but I still struggle with self-esteem issues.
Anthony, I can't imagine how frustrating and sad it must be to deal with your stepbrother. Although I was never that bad off, I know that years ago I was incredibly frustrating to the people who cared about me--if not entertaining for the ones who did not. I don't think anyone should put themselves at risk in order to have a screwed up person in their life, or keep someone in their life once they begin to impose on their own well-being and that of their household. When I don't think turning the back on a "loved one" is the right thing to do is when it's done out of selfish annoyance rather than necessity.
As I read this article, all I could think of was my stepbrother who, while addicted to heroin, stole thousands of dollars (money and possessions) from my family. We all tried to help him, especially when he was let out of prison. Unfortunately he'd always revert back to his not-so-nice self. How can we compete for his well-being when the drugs provide a much higher comfort level? It's tough, but after you've extended every olive branch available, my vote is to just let the family member / friend go and hope for the best. Sometimes death is what's best when you've got a life to live as well.
My Beloved sister called me a second hand hand me down B!#@H.I should have kicked her but, I just looked at her. Because she thinks she is better than me, he is not as good as me.