When Your Wife or Girlfriend is Raped
We hear about rapes on the news or around town, but we never really think about that woman's husband or boyfriend. How is their relationship affected by the rape? And what should a significant other do to help a woman who has had this most terrible of experiences?
When I was in college, I dated a woman who was raped while we were seeing each other, and it was the most heartbreaking experience I have ever endured. Of course, it was thousands of times more traumatic for her, but I have never felt so helpless in any other situation. She was victimized by someone she didn't know, and when we parted ways, the police had not caught him. So not only did she have to live with that memory for the rest of her life, but she was also not granted closure on the experience.
Having been through this once, though I am far from an expert, here is my advice for men whose wives or girlfriends have been raped:
1. Encourage her to report it.
Experts say that at least 40% of rapes go unreported because victims are too scared or traumatized to go the police. The likelihood of the rapist getting away scott-free increases if the victim knew her attacker, because she is afraid that no one will believe her if she tells. Let your wife or girlfriend know that you will accompany her to the police station, and that you will hold her hand the entire way and protect her from any harm. That alone will be a great comfort to her.
2. Don't discourage her from talking.
It may be difficult for you to hear, but if she wants to talk, let her. Provide an open ear for her concerns, doubts, fears and memories, and don't get angry, as much as you know you would like to bash her attacker's face in. It won't help, and it will only stunt the healing process; she needs to discuss it in a neutral and calming forum.
3. Accompany her at night.
Most rape victims are terrified of leaving the house after dark, and sometimes at all. Whether she needs to go to the grocery store or the dry cleaners or even to a friend's, offer to escort her so that she has some measure of protection. This might continue for months - even years - but you'll have to be patient.
4. Insist she see a doctor.
Rape victims often experience damage to the sexual organs following rape because it is usually violent. Make sure that she sees a doctor even if the rape goes unreported - the doctor must maintain confidentiality - to check for STD's, tissue trauma, pregnancy and other damage. The doctor can also do a rape kit, which involves looking for trace and toxicological evidence for the police to pursue.
5. Recommend Therapy
If your wife or girlfriend seems to be dealing with her rape in a healthy and normal way, then this may not be an issue. However, if weeks pass and she cannot come to terms with what has happened to her, it might be best to get her to a therapist. Rape victims suffer from a wealth of emotions, including guilt, hatred, sense of responsibility, helplessness, and fear; a therapist can help her to identify and work through these emotions.
6. Advocate her emotions.
She may have no reason to feel guilty or helpless, but don't condemn these emotions; instead, advocate them. Let her know that she has every right to feel the way she does, but that the rape was not her fault, and she did everything she could to prevent it. Tell her that thousands of women have gone through the same thing, and that it was her attacker's fault, and not her own. Dismissing her emotions - as irrational as they may seem to you - could be dangerous, and is simply not far.
Published by Steve Thompson
Steve is a full-time freelance writer. In addition to the more than 3,000 articles he's written for AC, he has also written articles and other materials for more than 100 happy clients. He enjoys writing abo... View profile
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- Let her talk about the rape.
- Escort her at night if she is uncomfortable.
- Reaffirm that the rape was not her fault.
32 Comments
Post a Comment...in...i still dont know what that mean...i guess they had sex...n she neva told me! ...told me her brother said " he will handle it, and dont bring it up"....she did a wonderful job at not bringing it up. i found out by a std. i asked her soo many times what happened n she neva told...i finally got the truth n what mess me up is she would have neva told me less i got this std!!!!! she lied, she lied, and she lied!! im sooo hurt i dnt know what to do!!
I READ YALL STUFF...IT HURTS SOOO MUCH....well my girlfriend of 4 years didnt tell me she was raped!..i found out by having a std...chlamydia to be exact!....i knew i didnt get it from no one but her...but i played along to see how long it would take for her to tell me...we got medicated n i was still keeping it "chill"...jus asking her every once in a while stuff like you sure u wasnt messing wit no one....r u sure its no one else...she never told me anything!!....i wuz thinking she was cheating with someone and that how she caught and passed to me!!...she never told me....time goes pass and i just cant rest thinking how did i get a std??? i brought it to her again asking and asking...told her i called std hotline and that the std is transferred thru sex.....she finnaly told me she went down stairs in the basement...her brother homeboy was down there and started talking to her...she jus so happened to have a skirt on....n e way she said he forced himself on her and stuck it
Get real, people. Very few women / girls get raped without making mistakes like provoking, getting drunk or doing drugs in a risky company, etc. I personally know a former female coleague from college who went to another guy to study, and there were 2 other guys over there. They started drinking Vodka, and she drank with them until she passed out. They had sex with her all night, and she realized what happened only next morning. She never reported it, she just asked them to keep quiet, because she had a boyfriend. A few day later everybody knew already, and everybody was accusing her for drinking with the guys. Who would want such a stupid girlfriend, by the way?
be there for her. If you don't feel strong enough, just communicate WITH her. The two of you need each other. Communicate with your words and your heart. It will make you closer and stronger.
Rape is vile and never asked for. You say you can't touch her without thinking about the scum who violated her? How do you think she feels when she looks in the mirror. Maybe you need to look at yourself for a while and question whether or not you are being fair. Your probably just feeling guilty and projecting your fears into something else.
Some of you are saying that you wonder if your girlfriend/wife put herself in that position. Blaming the victim is a classic "go to" so that we can avoid blaming ourselves for being unable to protect our loved ones or control certain situations. After I left my husband, I had no idea that when I went to our house to retrieve my things that he, the man I loved for 2 years before he had an affair, would have a violent outburst and attack me. We do not always plan for these things to happen. Why should we? Women do not need to live in a constant state of fear of being raped. We need to keep our guards up at all times, but everyone does when it comes to safety. It is not my fault it happened to me. It is never the fault of the victim.
Never say that "she was asking for it." She was not asking for it. She was asking for him to STOP it. She was begging for him to STOP it and he refused to stop it. He stole her dignity, her security, and her trust.
You can
Me and my girlfriend have been going out for about 9 months now, she moved far away about a month ago and im going to visit her soon, were trying to make the long distance thing work. I honestly love her and we took each others virginity. Last weekend she was raped when she was drunk. It makes my blood boil knowing someone had such disrespect for her like that. She knows the kid from one of her classes, i think reporting this is the best thing to do..but when i go to visit her in alittle over a month i really want to make that kid regret what he did if any of you are catching my drift
I don't know what to do to protect her. I mean I always imagine this girl named Lauren, I have a major crush on her. I sometimes imagine her going through a rape and im not there to protect her. The truth is Ilove her more that i do Raven. If anyone can, please give me some advice to protect Lauren
my girlfriend just told me she used to be raped as a child for years by her step father, now she is older but still lives in the same home no one knows about it but me, and i just dont know what to do. she blocks it out her mind like it never happend but i cant do that, i really think we need some help
My Wife was raped three nights ago. It is hard even typing the words. She went to dinner with some friends after work. On their way out, she realized that she had forgotten her purse. She went back to get it and on her way out alone some stranger grabbed her and brought her to his SUV with a knife at her throat.
When he was done he shoved her out of the SUV and drove off so quick that he almost ran over her legs.
I am so filled with sadness, rage, hatred, pain, guilt, helplessnes. I know that what I am feeling PALES in comparisson to what she is feeling. I feel myself breaking down and I want to be strong for her.
This article gives good advice. I think I just needed to share my feelings.
My girlfriend of 3 years was raped at a girlfriend's party last week and just now confided in me last night. Right now, she's acting like it never happened and when I talk to her about reporting the guy (he was an old acquaintance), she tells me to just drop it and that it's in the past now. it wasn't the first time for her, but she blocks the other one out as a sexual encounter gone bad. she already had issues from this assault coming into the relationship, so i'm worried that this will further her issues and cause her to put up another wall between us. So, I'm in a position where i'm hurting and confused and scarred (though i know it's much worse for her). i don't know what to say or do to help. she says she's seeing a counsiller but wants to otherwise keep this quiet and forget it happened.