When the Woman Brings Home the Bacon, She Has to Cook it Too

While the majority of households in the United States still have a man as a their biggest wage earner, there's a growing number of households where women are the bigger breadwinner. Between trying to be the progressive feminist and still fulfilling the roles laid before, we face the double standard. In the olden days (the 1950's) a woman took care of the home when the man went to work. Now, even when the woman goes to work, she still needs to take care of the home.

In most of my relationships I have been a primary breadwinner, bringing home at least half of the household income or more. I picked up the checks, I was generous with gifts and I took an active role in leading the relationships along. At firs they admire my brashness and go-to-itiveness, until we cross the threshold into cohabitation. Then it was not atypical for me to come home at night to a dirty house while my partner sat at the computer playing a game, or lounged in front o the television watching a movie. Somehow, it was an unsaid contract that I did the dishes, I cleaned the house, and I cooked the meals. It was automatically "woman's work". Prior to cohabitation we had always expressed very progressive views about gender roles and housework, but when it came time to act on those values, somehow things always fell short.

When a woman works similar hours to a man, it is not unusual for her to come home and still be expected to reel in the kids, do the dishes, get the laundry done and clean the home. Most men were raised in an environment where the home was the realm of the woman. No matter what she does in the workforce, it seems as though the house is still her domain.

While the members of the marriage might be okay with a reversal of gender roles it does not spare them from the outside influences. Maybe it's a friend that whispers disparaging remarks about the man who lives off his wife's salary. Maybe it's the other women in the PTA who whisper about the neglectful mother who went on a business trip instead of seeing their child's recital. As social creatures, an outsider opinion does have some bearing on us and it can foster some resentment, especially if there isn't the greatest communication within in the relationship.

While there might be a slight discomfort in social situations, nothing can be as devastating as the judgment that might come from within. It's the resentful stare, the cryptic sighs or those injured eyes. While most people in Gen-X and Gen-Y claim to not be sexist and not hold onto old fashioned ideals about gender roles and our conscious minds say that it's okay for a woman to be a provider and a man to be the caregiver it doesn't stop the years of classical and social conditioning we experience. Think of every Disney movie, fairy tale or commercial on the air now.

Cleaning product commercials usually have a woman, usually a mom, in some kind of business casual attire happily spraying and scrubbing away so she can get that praise from her family. She takes great care of her family and her children always acknowledge that she's a great mother, of course. When it comes to men, always buy their little lady the expensive jewelry and do the expensive romantic things to come to their ladies rescue. It's the images we've been shown since childhood and it's hard to reverse that.

It's not to say that we have not progressed. According to the U.S. Labor Department, when I graduated High School in 2004 women were making about 80 cents to the dollar, much higher than the 63 cents to the dollar that women earned a quarter of a century earlier in 1979.

Part of the reason for the disparity is because women are still more likely to go into lower paying, more nurturing lines of work such as teaching or nursing while men are still more likely to go into higher paying, more technical fields. It's also no surprise that women are still more likely to leave work so that they can take care of their children and raise their family. Even though it's more acceptable for men to become stay at home dad, it's still a bit of a rarity and there's no end to the amount of grief they may receive.

According to Woman Links , the likelihood of divorce doubles if the wife makes 50% to 75% of the household income. It's almost as though women are caught in an infinite catch-22. There's a glass ceiling in the workplace and there's a gender role we must live up to at home. There is no solace.

When it comes to being a progressive woman there is no end to the contradicting social pressures. The best advice I can give, from one self-proclaimed progressive woman to another is that we will never please the feminists and traditionalists both. We'll never fit into a mold if we're trying to have it all. We'll never be happy even if we have it all if we don't live for ourselves. Women have fought for the right to control their fate in the workforce and at home. The only solution is to respect choice and to have a more androgynous outlook towards people.