When You're Right and He's Wrong

One thing that happens time and time again is war within a marriage. The same, ridiculous fights come up time-and-time again. For example, the husband says he'll just tell his boss off that day if he even looks at him funny. This causes the wife to worry and maybe even say something that will in turn offend the husband. Though unintentional, sparks will fly. Then the argument continues to go something like this.

"Can't you even support me a little?" He says with a tone.
"I am! I'm just saying your boss is a jerk, but in times like these you shouldn't risk losing your job!" She says with an 'imagined' tone, but not really.
"I don't need preaching to!" Escalates the husband and now her feelings are hurt.
"I was actually supporting you." Now her tone is apparent.
"Well it doesn't sound like it. You don't even let me vent!"
"Well, venting is one thing. You vented last night and I totally supported you. Now this morning you're saying you are going to take actions. These actions will lose you your job. He's still the boss no matter how bad he is."

Okay, so feelings are hurt here. Whose got hurt first? It doesn't matter. As far as the fight ending right now, it won't make a difference. He is still peeling out the driveway and she is still sitting alone at the kitchen table with a sinking feeling at the pit of her stomach. She's wondering how it went from her being sweet, getting up to make his lunch and coffee as a surprise to this. So what does she do now? I mean, it's obvious her husband is in the wrong. She really was just scared he'd do something stupid.

Here are four ideas she could use to end her current pain:

1. She can give him the silent treatment when he gets home. Yes, just go into another room and busy herself with cleaning, organizing, reading, gabbing on the phone...etc. There is a myriad of stuff she can find to keep her hands busy. The main problem with this is that he will think she just needs her space. If he was mad and went out to the garage to work on a project, he wouldn't be expecting her to come running out to save him. So this one is basically ineffective. Scratch this one unless you just like holding grudges. Some people seem to enjoy doing just that.

2. She can apologize to him first so that most likely he will apologize back. Sometimes, this works and sometimes it doesn't. She will most likely realize that she is usually the first one to apologize causing even more bitterness. He was definitely wrong and she can list reasons out at this point. But, if she is feeling gracious and kind, she might want to pursue this option.

3. She can write a letter listing out all his wrongs in detail. She can be as creative as she likes with her wording and logic. For example, it can include wrongs from the past or the future, list things he didn't really do but was totally capable of and even things she believes he has thought of doing. She can include the time he gave her that stupid look like she was judging him. She can list out his faults like his pride and arrogance. I mean who does he think he is? She can tell him that only a loser would gamble with his job in this economy. She could and should really stick it to him. Then she will need to tear the letter up. Actually, she could save it and hide it, but if ever found it could really be used as evidence against her and her maddening temper and not him. So she would need to hide it really well. And I'm not talking about in-a-cookie-jar-on-a-high-shelf well. I mean cut-a-hole-in-the-wall-and-drop-it-down-inside-then-hang-a-picture-over-the-hole well. I'm just saying that well.

4. The last solution for all the fighting is to just get the divorce. I mean it's really just Part Two of a marriage these days. Isn't it? Hey she can survive on her income. Who needs his warm body next to hers at night when it's cold? Who needs him rubbing her feet while they both watch movies? Who needs his stinking Valentine's Day, Christmas and birthday presents, anyways? What about his useless, dumb jokes, companionship,good ideas, support with the kids, protection, help around the house and all the rest of those useless benefits? Nothing is worth having to have the same stupid fight over and over again. Unless we can get to the heart of the problem that is...

So the nasty letter (#3) seems to be the method that works best. It immediately satisfies the pain, reveals the true problems and even offers real insight to some valuable solutions. It is a genuine way to vent feelings while not saying ugly words that we can never take back. It's also a way to sort through all the garbage that brings us down and get to the root of what's bothering us. For her maybe the problem is the fact that he's out the door to get to work an hour early while only spending two minutes with her in the morning. It could possibly be unfinished business from the day before or something he says that hurts her feelings. It could be really about anything. The point is that when she pours her heart out into that letter, she will see the real thing that bothers her heart. It will come out as hate, maybe, at first like just an attack on him. And most likely she will see a bit of a selfish streak veining through her words. But once she sees the real problem, she can approach her husband with that and they can solve it together. Who knows? She could even rewrite the letter with kinder and more loving words and give it to her husband. This could be the true end of the argument.

It's all worth it. Isn't it?