Where is Artie Lange?

It's no joke. Something is up with Artie Lange. Rumors are flying about the whereabouts of the Howard Stern show co-host since news that he canceled a series of performances and appearances over the past several days. Lange was a no-show at this weekend's Comedy Central Roast of Bob Saget and has canceled his scheduled shows for this upcoming weekend.

The question is IS THIS IT??? Is THIS the week that Artie checks himself into rehab? Is he finally getting help? Has the 300-plus pound comedian finally reached his "critical mass"? Or has he gone off the deep end and started using heroin again? Anyone who's been listening to the Howard Stern show over the past year knows that the "Artie Situation" is going to eventually have to come to a head.

Although none of us Stern fans want to admit it, I think we're all wondering if this is the year that someone earns points for picking Artie in their office "death pool."

Discussions on the Stern Fan Network, a message board for fans of the show, have referenced Lange is "sick." A post by "Mutt," a Stern Show on-air regular states that the only thing he could get confirmation on was that Lange's absence was not related to a family emergency. He reported that both Lange's mother and sister were well.

As a fan of the show since before Artie started, I think that we all know that this is going to be related to his ongoing battle with multiple addictions. To me, Monday's mysterious scheduled announcement from Lange could mean only one of two things: He's going to admit that he's using again, or he's going to admit that he never really stopped.

LANGE'S DRUG HISTORY

Lange admitted to having a heroin addiction on the September 21, 2006 show on Sirius. He gave a n earnest and heartbreaking report of how he had become violently ill during an attempt to detox from using heroin during the previous summer. He stated that he had received life-saving help from a drug called Subutex, which had cured his torturous withdrawal symptoms and allowed him to return to work on the show less than a week later.

Subutex is an FDA approved drug prescribed for opiate dependence. The makers of Subutex report that side effects from the use of the drug may include "cold or flu-like symptoms, headaches, sweating, sleeping difficulties, nausea, and mood swings." They also report that Subutex is intended for use during "the first few days of treatment" for an opiate addiction, while a similar drug, Suboxone, is intended for long-term maintenance. A caller on the satellite radio program brought into question whether or not Lange was still taking a medication not intended for long term use. The Suboxone website reports that patients should take the medication as regularly prescribed by their doctor. Lange has referred to "needing to pop a Subutex today" on during broadcasts on multiple occasions, fueling suspicion that he is not using the drug as prescribed.

ARTIE'S STERN SHOW HISTORY

While most Stern fans agree that Artie adds an explosive and vibrant energy to the Stern broadcasts, his performance over the past year has called into question whether or not he's maintained his sobriety for any substantial period of time. Lange has already admitted to drinking during many of his stand-up performances this year.

On April 10, 2008, a day before the Howard Stern show was scheduled to take a two-week hiatus, Artie exploded during a live broadcast. Lange threw a can of soda at his personal assistant and lunged at him. Lange was held back by others in the studio before he hit the assistant, but he was ushered out of the studio leaving the main cast members of the show shaken and distraught. He took a few minutes to cool down in the green room and then returned to the studio a few minutes later to announce that he was leaving the show. The Stern Show ended early that day and played a rerun during what was scheduled to be the final show before the two week vacation.

When the show returned on April 21, Lange stated that executives at Sirius radio had agreed to keep him on the show despite his outburst, but that he would be fired in the case of future incidents. Lange was offered a similar reprieve after his 1995 arrest for cocaine possession during the first season of Mad TV. Executive producer of the show Quincy Jones negotiated with FOX to allow Lange to return for a second, after which he was fired for consistently showing up to the set intoxicated.

While there have been no official reports of Artie being intoxicated during broadcasts, he has called in sick to the show more than a dozen in the past year.

On May 7 of this year, he showed up several hours into the broadcast with a black eye and a cut on his head that he claimed to have gotten by "walking into a cabinet in the dark."

Artie fell asleep on the show most recently on Thursday, July 24 as co-host Robin Quivers began her weekly newscast. He has fallen asleep on the show several times over the past few months, usually on the heels of an early morning binge of a breakfast burrito and a handful of cupcakes washed down by a large glass of Hawaiian punch.

CLUES THAT HE MIGHT BE GETTING HELP THIS TIME

Artie and four other comedians traveled to Afghanistan to entertain the troops in late June. As one of the millions of people that worries about seeing Artie crash and burn for the final time, my hope was that the trip to Afghanistan would provide the perspective that he needed to make changes to improve his health. There are reports that he stopped drinking several weeks before his trip. Upon his return, Artie was exuberant over the experience and talked about it non-stop until Stern finally told him "no more war stories."

Before Artie left for Afghanistan, he also met with his former long-time girlfriend Dana Sironi. Artie and Dana broke up after Dana told him that she could no longer deal with his self-destructive behavior. There were reports earlier this year that Artie and Dana were seeing each other again, but the meetings ended abruptly when Dana heard that Artie was also seeing other women.

On Monday, July 28th, Artie spoke on the show about looking through his old pictures to find shots to include in his new book. He spoke about finding a picture from one of his early dates with Dana. "It killed me," he said, his voice cracking a little.

THE FUTURE OF THE SHOW

As relieved as I was when Artie returned to the show in April, it's always seemed like there are a lot of things that still haven't been resolved since the on-air blow-up. While Howard usually presents everything that goes on in the studio as fodder for regular discussion on the show, he's been quiet and reserved on this subject. Stern fans are left to wonder what really went on during those meetings negotiating Artie's return to the show, and whether or not Howard feels like he can trust Artie again.

One thing is certain-Lange is an undeniably essential part of the show. Not only is he brilliantly funny and quick, the drama that is his life is the most compelling storyline in the soap opera that the Howard Stern show has evolved into. Since Stern moved to Sirius radio in January of 2006, the show has no longer had to focus on fighting censorship laws from the FCC, the show has had the chance to evolve into something more mythical than it was on terrestrial radio. The lives of the Stern show cast and their interactions with each other at work have now become one of the show's main foci, making it into a sort of postmodern self-referential radio play.

While Howard is the captain of the ship, now that he has shown himself to be victorious in his fight against censorship, we need another underdog to root for. Artie fulfills that role. He is the tragic hero-the everyman-the nice guy that everybody wants to do well-that everybody thinks is incredibly talented-everybody's favorite guy in the room-and he's out to destroy himself. We're all pulling for him. Everybody loves Artie and we all just want him to be well. (Shut up Eric).

Sources:

http://www.howardstern.com/rundown.hs?d=1216872000

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Artie_Lange

http://www.sternfannetwork.com/forum/showthread.php?s=b297b98a511c821c5bf7e9bc73024b47&threadid=384292

http://www.fda.gov/cder/foi/label/2002/20732lppi.pdf

http://www.medicinenet.com/buprenorphine-sublingual/article.htm