Where Have I Been? by Sid Caesar

I first read Where Have I Been? seventeen years ago, as a practicing alcoholic. The book had a tremendous impact on me. It was the catalyst of my recovery. I recently re-read it and found it to be a different book than I remembered. I learned different things from it. The points that are important to me now were not important to me then because I was not self-aware enough or educated enough on the subject of recovery to see them. I now realize that the methods Sid used were quite sophisticated considering the times and the fact that he had no background in psychology, behavior management, nutrition or health.

As I re-read the book, I was able to clearly identify the elements of recovery that I learned from Sid. They are:

1/ Desire
This is the first and most important ingredient. This is not comparable with the desire to save a certain amount of money or to buy a new car. This is desire of the depth, strength, and quality one feels for a beloved. In fact, that is exactly what it is. It is the desire to save the true self, creative self, inner child, soul, whatever you want to call it, from the monster that has taken over your life. It comes at the moment that still small voice says, "If you don't stop, I will die."

This death is not a physical death. It will lead to one, but the moment of choice is not about physical life or death. It is about choosing, of one's own free will, to save the true self or not. Sid says that when he came to this point he knew that he wanted to live. He wanted to recover. He made this choice of his own free will, his own desire, without anyone else's influence.

2/ Self - Awareness
The fact that Sid always seemed to be aware of the duality of his nature indicates self-awareness. He mentions that his natural personality is shy and that when he needed to assert himself, he called on an aggressive public persona to be brash and arrogant. Later he recognized that he had an addictive personality.

3/ Self - Acceptance
When Sid decided he wanted to recover, he not only recognized his addictive personality, he accepted it and worked out ways to use it to his advantage. He also accepted the shy and quiet side of his nature and gave himself permission to indulge and nurture that part of himself by working in his garden, enjoying his family and pets, and rebuilding his relationship with his wife.

Self-acceptance is also evident in what I term his re-parenting activities as he "makes friends" with himself in tape-recorded conversations with himself. I now realize that this was a form of "re-parenting." This technique was not in use in Sid's day. Sid shares a few of these talks with the reader. Even this small sampling shows that the voice of his "inner parent" changed from first to last. The tone began as critical and punitive and ended as supportive and nurturing. Sid changed the way he dealt with himself.

4/ Commitment to the True Self
This is accomplished by learning to put ones' own needs first. Within this large commitment are many small daily promises that amount to true and deep commitment. Sid demonstrates this by changing the way he does business, accepting only work that he really wants to do, that does not disrupt his life and his recovery.

He also demonstrates it by learning all that he can about health and nutrition and following through on the attainable goals he sets for himself in these areas (e.g.: eating no red meat, eating fresh fruits and vegetables, substituting a healthy [though disgusting!] dessert for rich desserts, eating in moderation, drinking no alcohol, exercising daily.) These changes enabled him to have more success at keeping his commitments to himself. Several studies have shown that one determining factor in alcoholism may be nutritional imbalance. It seems that people with vitamin B deficiency tend to crave alcohol once it is introduced and the alcohol, in turn depletes levels of vitamins B and C causing more craving. Correcting this physical deficiency can help reduce the cravings.

He exhibits commitment to his true self by substituting exercise and athletic interests for drinking activities. This productively fills the time that was previously consumed by drinking. (Serious drinking is very time-consuming.) Also, exercise has been proven to be as effective against depression (which usually accompanies, causes, and/or results from alcoholism) as Prozac.

He demonstrates commitment to the self by giving himself permission to make healthy choices and to praise himself for doing so. He demonstrates commitment to the self by learning to take good care of himself and knowing that he deserves to have his needs met.

The "commitment to the true self" category is a big one. It involves learning to make daily choices that are for the good of the self. It involves becoming a self-advocate. It is one that we must work on always because people with addictive personalities are often working from a model of scarcity. We tend to leave ourselves out of the equation when taking care of needs because of a feeling that there is just not enough or that we don't deserve to have our needs met. This is a big subject, and I won't go into it now other than to say that overcoming this tendency is an ongoing, lifelong project.

The book resonates with me because I see my father and myself in Sid. I see this more clearly now than I did the first time I read the book. There's been a lot of self-awareness under the bridge since then.

My father was brilliant and funny and creative and he could read aloud better than anyone. And he was vicious and sorrowful and an abusive alcoholic possessed of great will power. He followed his doctor's orders. When the doctor told him to stop drinking and smoking or he would die, he stopped. He spent the next 15 years not drinking and smoking. And when the doctor told him he might have cancer, he committed suicide.

And that is when my drinking escalated, 1985. Where Have I Been? was published in 1982. Daddy could have read it, and I don't know why he didn't. Sid Caesar is one of the few people he truly admired. I didn't run across my copy of Where Have I Been? until 1991 when I picked it up in a thrift store for $3.50. I was drunk at the time, and I was drunk when I read it but I began trying to use Sid's ideas. I backslid a lot the first 5 years. I wasn't able to stop drinking, I kept trying. I have done a lot more research on the subjects of health and addiction since then. I have been sober since my 39th birthday in1996.

I was born two years after Your Show of Shows ended. I have seen a few episodes of it on videotape, and it is surely funny, but it is not what I love about Sid Caesar ! When I began to think of recovery, I didn't want to do it the way my father had. Sid's idea of substituting healthy addictions for unhealthy ones, and healthy activities for unhealthy ones seemed brilliant to me. His idea of accepting his addictive nature and using for his own good was a concept I had never encountered. Though I didn't really understand it at the time, I knew that I needed to "make friends" with myself. I have used his ideas it ever since.

I cannot thank Sid Caesar enough. I highly, highly recommend Where Have I Been? as do his Sid's friends Mel Brooks, Larry Gelbhart, Carl Reiner, Lucille Kallen, and Steve Allen. In addition to being an extremely helpful book, it is an extremely interesting, entertaining, and well-written autobiography. I saw one reader review by a high-school student who said he just read it because he had to do a book report on something, and he "didn't know it would be an awesome book!" How much broader could the audience appeal be? Try it! No matter who you are, you'll like it!