Where Did All the Gentlemen Go?

I've never met Mr. Right. Even the ones who are attracted to me never seem to get very far. I had a man pursue me once, a Philippine man, but I wasn't impressed. Now that I've taken up belly dance, it's weird but I'm not thrilled with the reaction. All I wanted was to marry a man I was in love with. Someone who I thought was pretty amazing. And then it all fell apart. I wanted to be romantic, his idea of foreplay was getting excited at church. I wouldn't mind so much if everyone else wasn't my friend.

I always fall in love with friends. I find it difficult to love someone who is just looking for excitement. I want someone who cares about me and loves me. Is that so crazy. I was diagnosed with a disorder ten years ago. And while the symptoms sometimes go away and come back, the main reason I am able to have some relief is through meditation and prayer. I keep a journal, several actually, writing things down about things I am grateful for. Things that are important to me. I found school easy to do, life, not so easy. I work at a daycare.

I was in love with a man who left to Texas. He just wanted to be friends until I took up belly dancing, and it all went down hill from there. Why does love make me so scared? Men are always going wild with desire now, and all I can think is that guy broke my heart and he doesn't even care. I waited years to feel in love and he just wanted to be friends, and then he changed his mind but when I wouldn't have sex with him, he left. Now I'm too old to start over. I wanted to have a family with him. I'm hoping someone will have a heart.

Maybe I should just sit and feel sorry for myself. But I decided I'm not going to look for love. If it comes, it comes. It's a scientific fact that we are supposed to be in a monogamous relationship. And families are destroyed by sin. I don't watch a lot of television. I think it makes people miserable. There's so many more people on antidepressants and everyone is driven mad by the media. It creates discontent and is not a good influence on children. There is so much more to do in life. I like listening to inspirational tapes and quilting.

Some of my favorite moments are at a park I go to. I saw three white swans fly by the lake one afternoon. And one more flying by in the morning on the way to work. I wish I could have stopped and taken a picture. I love taking pictures. I love having my picture taken, its nice. I like going to functions and getting dressed up. I work at a day care and its hard work. But its rewarding. I like bird watching and sailing and sometimes I'll even go to the beach, but not often.

I used to think I never got to do what I wanted to. I liked it when I went horseback riding, and traveled the United States while I was showing dogs. I didn't like the dogs so much, but the travel was neat, of course I was exhausted by the end of high school, never having gone anywhere with it. I tried walking dogs but I was miserable.

I had gotten so used to being miserable, that when I got better from my illness, I had more anxiety and depression from not having my old problem. I immediately wanted a boyfriend, to tell me I was beautiful. But I was fat... So I took up belly dancing, and now I feel better about how I look, and I know men like the way I look more. But the important thing is I like myself more. And I'm happier and in a better frame of mind than ever. I once commented that men just want you to look fertile and anything else is a bonus. But fertile means healthy. So more than big bosoms and itty bitty waists, men like curves in general.