Where Are the Memories of Christmases Past

I have read the stories of childhood memories of people and their Christmases past, some so vivid, that it could have been yesterday. Many recite heartfelt, warm, happy memories, as they recall the sights of the lights twinkling on the trees, the smells of cookies baking in the oven and detailed descriptions of the earthly angels that came their rescue. Others recall the bareness of the cupboards, and the hunger pains they left, or their sadness at the loss of a loved one. All had memories of good or bad, happy or sad, but memories.

Why then I wonder, that my first memory of Christmas, I was 16 yrs old. I am the oldest of 7 children and come from a very abusive dysfuntional childhood.I have hundreds of memories. Few would be able to be considered happy, most are of abuse directed at my mom, my siblings and myself, yet the closest I have to a childhood Christmas or any other Holiday memory, is lying in my bed one night and hearing the sounds of a Chatty Cathy Doll. There are no feelings of excitement or the anticipation of getting up the next morning to see gifts left by Santa under the tree. Only the words from a doll in the next room exclaiming "Hi! my name is Chatty Cathy". I have no memory of recieving or playing with the doll. I only know for sure it was mine because when I became an adult, my grandmother gave it back to me. I know sometime in those 16yrs there must have been gifts, a tree, a holiday meal, some happy time. What I don't know is why I can't remember.

I'm 55 now, and I figure by now I'll never know where those memories are. I am a mom, grandma and great grandma, and I try my hardest every year to make Christmas memorable for them. They haven't always been with the greatest . More often than not, there were no expensive gifts ,elaborate dinners or the grandest of trees. I remember one year, living in Wisconsin, that my son Rob cut the bottom bough from a tree and we stood it against the wall to decorate. It was sort of sad looking, but it was our tree, and it is a memory. Rob is gone now. This will be my 14th Christmas without him, and my 32nd Christmas without his brother Cory. So now every year I give my all to make Christmas and every Holiday a memory for the ones still here. I hope I've succeeded,

For all you parents and grandparents who are getting ready for this Holiday Season whether it's sparce or grand, I hope it"s a memorable one.