Where Are My Paparazzi Damnit?

Why are these people famous? Rush Limbaugh, Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie, Howard Stern, Don Imus. There's more but it was hard enough getting those names out without up-chucking. Seriously though, why is anyone listening to or watching these people? Don't you know that it only encourages them? Please, I can't take it any more. Because of these idiots I can no longer watch my television or listen to my radio. Every time I turn them on there they are. Make them go away! I'm begging you.

Why can't we as a nation go out and find some folks with talent and idolize them? Is it because if we idolize the stupid we'll have something in common with them? Help me out here. I'm just unclear on the concept.

You know, I'd like a job like the ones these people have. Maybe I should change my resume so that where it gives my qualifications it simply says Incredibly Stupid. If I do that will you folks make me a cultural icon? You know, I could try to forget all those years I spent learning how to sing and play the guitar. I could give up all my artistic aspirations and my dedication to learning my craft. I really could. If all I've got to do is say really stupid inane things I could do that. I'd be a natural at it. If you don't believe me just ask my wife.

I'm tired of working like a dog and struggling to make ends meet. I want to be rich, famous and stupid. If for some reason you don't think I'm stupid enough why help me get rich and famous and I'll just buy some substances that'll make me stupid. I'm willing to meet you half way. If I get into trouble I can just go into rehab. That way you'll have more fodder to talk about me. See, I'm always willing to help out.

Where are my paparazzi when I need them? I want some pictures of me wearing ridiculous outfits in public and doing nothing of socially redeeming value. I want to see myself every time I open a newspaper or turn on the tube. Why not? I'm photogenic sometimes and if not hey more stuff to talk about, (He looks bad doesn't he? Maybe he's on drugs!).

If I get fat you can talk about my weight problem. If I get skinny you can say I'm anorexic. If I say stupid things I can get the whole country up in arms and if I don't say anything at all it will just make me more mysterious. If I wobble when I talk you can say I'm faking it. I'm willing to do whatever it takes. I'll even drive around with my kids on my lap and no seat belt, (but only if you promise to have at least two or three helicopters buzzing overhead so everyone can see what an idiot I am).

So what do you say? Will you folks, the general public hire me to be the next big thing?
Please, Please, Please? I promise if you do I'll go out of my way to be stupider than I've ever been before.