Where in the World is Artie Lange?

Loyal listeners of the Howard Stern show are familiar with Artie Lange's history with drugs, alcohol, and erratic behavior. The rotund comic's demons have provided ample fodder for Stern on Sirius radio, and most fans would agree that Artie's narcolepsy, overeating, and absenteeism have gotten way out of control.

With recent news that Artie has cancelled his upcoming weekend gigs without warning, Stern fans are speculating on the whereabouts and state of mind of everyone's favorite Baby Gorilla. The following are some prospective scenarios that would account for Artie Lange's recent erratic behavior.

Scenario #1 - Artie Checked Himself Into Rehab

This would be a sigh of relief for most Stern fans. Artie's constant battle with drugs, alcohol, and food addiction have long made him a candidate for serious professional help. Artie has always speculated about going someplace far away to collect himself and get healthy, so perhaps he hit the brakes on his career and decided to put his well being first.

Scenario #2 - Artie Is On A Wicked Bender

Lange's frequent sick days on the Stern show have fueled speculation that he has been using drugs again. Artie has a history on overreacting badly to any news involving his ex Dana as well so it's quite possible that his see-saw pining for Dana has driven him to binge on drugs and alcohol to escape the reality of his failed relationship with Dana and the fact that he can't change enough to be with her.

Scenario #3 - Artie Is Holed Up Finishing His Book

The pressure of finishing up Too Fat To Fish in time for a Holiday release may be getting to Artie. Loyal fans will note that Artie has difficulty multitasking side projects along with doing the show on a daily basis, so perhaps Lange has put his stand up gigs on hold to focus more on his book debut.

Scenario #4 - Artie Is Asleep In His Man Cave

At the end of the day maybe Afghanistan was too much for the big guy and he just needs a few days to hibernate. It is quite possible that Lange has retreated to his Jersey Shore residence to get away from the world for a while and collect his thoughts. Artie has slept through the show numerous times, so a few days of continuous sleep isn't out of the question.

Only time will tell what caused Artie Lange's recent event cancellations and disappearance. Stern fans can only hope that the Baby Gorilla is alive and well, and that he will be back on Monday to share his latest tales of debauchery and debasement.