Where's My Bailout?

Gosh, the CEO's of the Big Three automakers have made it clear to members of Congress that the taxpayers need to provide 25 billion dollars so that these stalwarts of free market capitalism can stay in business and avoid massive layoffs to autoworkers and workers in industries that supply the auto industry.

How noble.

I have a question. I have many questions.

Where were these stalwarts of free market capitalism when they were putting the wagon makers out of business? Were they calling for massive taxpayer bailouts to keep their competitors in business? There were a lot of jobs at stake back then, too. The covered wagon makers also made carriages. Each carriage made was a job that fed a hungry family, housed a family, clothed a family. When the automobile put the wagon makers out of business, they didn't cost just a wagon maker his livelihood.

The automakers also cost the wagon wheel maker his business. And when the wagon wheel maker went out of business, his employees were out of jobs. Where were their bailouts? Did the automakers care? No. "That is the way of the Free Market" was their mantra. "The wagon wheel maker and his employees will find work in our auto plants" was their cry. No need for bailouts. That is not the way of Capitalism.

When the arrival of the mass-produced automobile put the livery stable owner out of business, the same event put the livery stable workers out of jobs. Where were their bailouts? Did the automakers care? No. The automakers simply put the livery stable worker to work in their factories. Those that couldn't make the transition were out of luck. "That is the way of Capitalism" said the automakers as they defended themselves against the irate, unemployed livery stable worker without the skills for the new economy foisted upon them by the automobile.

So, does your town have a corral or two just off Main Street? Neither does mine. Used to have a corral or two, back before the automobile came along. Do you suppose the automakers supported a bailout for the corral owner? The corral builder? The horse poop shoveler? Doubt it. That would violate the tenets of the Free Market. Let them find work in the new industry. That is the way of Capitalism.

And what of the blacksmith? What was he to do? With fewer horses to shod, how would he feed, clothe, and house his family? Too bad for him. "He should have seen it coming and prepared himself" was what the automakers said. Same for the horse salesman and the horse breeder. Didn't they know that the horseless carriage was the wave of the future? Didn't they know that the way of Capitalism requires that for every winner, there be a loser? Capitalism was for the good of the country.

And what of the buggy whip maker? you might well ask. Fear not. The buggy whip maker saw nary a drop in demand for his product. There are many perverts in this great land of ours. You know who you are. You're the reason the harness and bit makers are still in business. Good work.

So, how did these stalwarts of free market capitalism make their way down to Washington D.C. to panhandle in the halls of Congress? Why, by private jet, of course. Silly, silly taxpayer.

Now, the CEO's and their defenders will tell you that private air transportation was necessary because of their busy schedules practicing free market capitalism and the difficulty matching those schedules to commercial air transportation. I'll give them that.

I'll also agree with them that free market capitalism is the best way to go. Not that we'll let it work the way it's supposed to work. Nope, we keep bailing out the people who got greedy, sluggish, or stupid. And we're going to bail out the automakers.

So, here's my two cents worth. If the taxpayers are going to bail out these stalwarts of free market capitalism, then we should be able to set conditions. Here are a couple of conditions I'd like to see:

1) Give the CEO's their private jets so that they can keep to their busy schedules conducting free market capitalism. But, since I'm paying for it, I want the cabin reconfigured to match the coach section of the typical U.S. commercial airliner. Take away the luxuries. You CEO's can carry your own damn bags and briefcases. You can be greeted by the fake smiles of the flight attendant who, by the way, will not be your employee. You will do as the flight crew says, just as any fare-paying coach passenger would do. You can work with your laptop perched on the chair back-mounted tray when the crew indicates that you can do so. You will place your chair and your mounted tray in the upright position when instructed to do so. And you can bump elbows with your CFO seated next to you. If you need nourishment, a bag of peanuts or packet of crackers will be provided free of charge. For a nominal fee, you can purchase a sandwich and a soda or a box lunch and juice.

And your family members will never, ever, ever be allowed to use the private jet for travel to any place, at any time. Any contract provision between you and the automaker stating otherwise will be null and void. The minute you accept taxpayer dollars, Mr. Free Market Capitalist, you become the taxpayer's biotch. You get what we say you get. Don't like it? Then, get your damn hands out of our pockets.

2) Take back bonuses retroactively. This goes for the senior executives of the banks, the insurance carriers, the airlines, the automakers and any other business that has their hands out for taxpayer dollars. Don't give me this nonsense about some cutoff date after the bailout was passed and after the bailout dollars are accepted by the business. The bonuses were issued to reward past performance. Your past performances have brought your companies to the brink of financial ruin requiring a taxpayer bailout of unprecedented proportions. You deserve no bonuses and they should be taken back retroactive to 2004 and placed back in the company coffers. Again, any contract provision between you and your company contradictory to my condition would be declared null and void. You are the taxpayer's biotch. Got it?

Don't like it, Mr. Free Market Capitalist CEO? Tough. Joe the Wagon Wheel Maker, livery worker, blacksmith, and carriage maker didn't like what happened to them, either. Where were their bailouts?