Which is It? Personality or Learned Behavior?

It takes a teacher about a month to get to know the children in a preschool classroom. She takes many mental notes about the different approaches children take to solve conflicts; how they communicate with each other; how they handle toys and games, and how involved they become when learning something new.

One of the goals in preschool is to foster social skills.

It is during these early years when children learn how to get along with the rest of the world. For some this is a rather difficult lesson. It is painful to learn that they are not the center of the universe; they are not in control of others; they are responsible for their choices, and yes, there are consequences to their actions.

It is curious to observe how children differ in their responses to a 'Æ'†'" '"Æ'''¹ -- "structured environment'.

Some are easy going. They are eager to listen to the teacher, they show consideration for others, and they learn and follow the rules.

Others will test the waters: What happens if I ignore the teacher? What happens if I push someone out of the way? Then, if they do not like the responses, they will do right the next time.

Some will exhibit meltdowns each time things don't go their way. They will whine, or bitterly cry, and stomp their feet. They will refuse to participate in any other activities.

.Others will throw themselves on the floor and scream; they will grab the closest item in sight and sling it across the room; and they may kick, or spit, at the teacher.

Teachers learn much about these children's behaviors by observing their interactions with their parents.

One of the rules in many preschools is to leave toys at home. Following are examples of different parenting methods when the child wants to bring in her play phone:

1. "Abby, nobody is allowed to bring in toys. They have their own toys here. We have to follow the rules. I am going to put it in my purse and it will be there when I pick you up. Look, there is Lisa; she is already waiting for you. See you in a while."

2. "You are really not to bring toys to school. However, maybe, because this is your first week, it's still ok. However, if the teacher tells you to put it away, you have to put it away, ok?"

3. "Baby, I am so sorry. Please, don't cry. It makes me sad when you cry. Look, keep it in your pocket, ok? (Then whispers into child's ear) If she says anything to you, just tell her, I said that you could."

4. "Darling, please don't hit me. I know you are upset. I can't change the rules. Now give me the phone! (Child refuses) Ok, I make you a deal. Give me the phone and when I pick you up, I will have a surprise in the car. (Child tosses phone to mother. She smiles and says 'Æ'†'" '"Æ'''¹ -- "thank you'.)

What were the lessons learned?

Every child walked away with a different perspective on how the world works. It is a huge challenge for the teacher to bring everyone on the same page. There is no doubt that children are born with their own personalities. However, what they learn thereafter is mostly up to us, the parents.