Which is Preferable, Marriage or Cohabitation?

In a recent Census Bureau survey that was carried out in America, over half of respondents, totaling over 50.3 percent of couples, were living together, rather than married. The survey went on to say that 31.7 percent of children are now being raised in households where their parents are not married. A generation ago this was virtually unthinkable and frowned upon by society, but now, it seems that more and more couples are choosing to opt out of marriage and choose unmarried partnerships instead. Cohabitation has become more acceptable in society. But is it all it is cracked up to be? Are there any flaws to cohabitation?

I do not belong to my parents' and grandparents' era when marriage was viewed as the normal start to a family. I am in my 20's and can see both sides of the argument. I do not doubt that unmarried couples love each other, and many feel committed to one another, particularly if they have children or have been together for many years. But does society as a whole accept them more now than it did a generation ago? Society no longer labels them as strange people who are "living in sin". Nor are they likely to receive stares and be gossiped about if they have children outside of marriage, but society has not yet fully recognized their desire to still be treated the same as married couples.

Marriage is more than just a romantic union. It is a legally binding contract and as such, it provides tax benefits and inheritance rights to the surviving spouse if one dies. There is usually no question as to who should be the primary beneficiary if one spouse dies. The law will allow the estate to pass to the widow(er), unless a will specifically prohibits this. For unmarried couples though, they do not enjoy the same legal protection and recognition that married couples do. Even if a couple have lived together for many years, they will not be automatically entitled to a share of their partner's estate if they die. It is usually the same way with health insurance policies. Married couples can add their spouse to the plan and they will be covered. But unmarried couples will find it harder to do this and will often meet with opposition, unless they get married. Marriage very often wins out over cohabiting couples. So even though people's attitudes in society have changed dramatically, the law is still very clear about what constitutes a legal union and who is entitled to what.

Cohabiting couples cite many reasons for their wish to remain unmarried. For senior citizens who cohabit, one reason is their desire to keep the pension from their deceased spouse. This is the case in my family. My Uncle has been with his partner for several years now and many family members have brought up the topic of marriage to them. He is divorced and his partner is a widow. As long as she remains unmarried, she will continue to receive a pension from her late husband's employer. But if she were to marry my Uncle she would instantly lose her main source of income. I can see her point of view, but I sometimes wonder if putting money first is really wise in ensuring their long term happiness.

Then there are couples who cohabit with marriage in view somewhere down the line. Some couples choose to move in together, as it is viewed as more cost effective in the run up to the wedding and as a way to test the water with a "trial marriage". Couples may choose to do this to find out whether or not they are really compatible. If it does not work out, they can leave. I find this to be rather a cynical approach to the seriousness of marriage. Marriage involves hard work and does not take this aspect into account if a couple put their cohabiting status on trial.

Then there are other couples who have already decided that they already have the basis for a solid relationship, so why "spoil" it by spending a fortune on a wedding? Couples who cohabit may also have commitment issues, reasoning among themselves that if it doesn't work out, there is no need to go through the legal wrangle of a divorce to end the relationship. It can end instantly. While this is certainly true, it does not bode well for those who worry about being instantly left alone by their partner. Couples who have been previously married and divorced may be more likely to share the view that marriage is no longer for them and that cohabitation is a safer alternative.

Studies do seem to suggest though that married couples are happier and more settled in their relationships, than couples who choose to cohabit. I believe the main reason for this is the fact that marriage offers more security and stability to a relationship. Each spouse knows that they were chosen as "the one" out of many others and that can be a real comfort to people. Those who cohabit may wonder whether they will someday be left with no partner, home or security to call their own. If their relationship ends the law is unlikely to provide any financial assistance. So even though they will not face the costs of a divorce, there is no alimony or any other such financial gain for separated couples who were never married because the law does not recognize their relationship.

Social stigma still remains to a certain degree. The ideal that many strive for is still marriage and for parents in particular, they may not accept their child's partner. They may wonder what to call them. Their child's partner? Special friend? Boyfriend/girlfriend? Some parents simply will not accept their child's long term partnership if it is not headed towards marriage. They may wonder why they cannot commit and what is holding them back. Parents want to see their child happily settled. As a result, they may shun or be cold around their child's partner. As far as they are concerned, they are not related, so they may be treated as strangers. Moments after I had married my husband, my Mother-in-law said "welcome to the family". I had not cohabited with my husband prior to our marriage, but it was only when we were married that my husband's family accepted me more readily as a permanent fixture and a part of the family. Even though no one really said anything about it, they wondered whether I would be in it for the long haul. I knew I was, but it took a wedding ring to convince them.

To conclude, I believe that marriage is far more preferable than cohabitation. It provides security, love and the public promise of a permanent relationship. Of course, it does not always work out, but the promise has been made and that can provide much needed comfort to couples. It is also a very good reason to try to keep the promise and work on the vows that were exchanged on the wedding day. Doubts may continue to linger with couples who are not married. To really solidify a relationship and prove that it is for life, I believe opting for marriage is the best option. It can greatly contribute to a couple's long term happiness and success.

Sources:

http:// www.unmarried.org
http://www.msn.match.com (February 15, 2007)