Who Am I? What Does He Want?

She takes a long look in the mirror, tears rolling down her face. She makes mental note of each gray hair covering her once shining auburn hair and every single wrinkle on her once flawless face. She tries to remember when things had changed; when had she gone from who she was to who he wanted her to be? Every conversation, every concession, every time she let an issue die down just to appease him - every single time she let him have his way so that he wouldn't leave her began running through her mind.

The image in the mirror began to blur as the tears increased. She had always known exactly what she wanted; exactly where she wanted to be at 30, 40, or even 50. She had once seen a bright future and a lifetime of happiness; a life where she wouldn't let anyone take her goals from her; one where she wouldn't let a man rob her of her dreams, no matter how much she loved him and he said he loved her.

She had lived through the heartache of losing loved ones: her mother, her sister, even one of her children. She mourned them with every fiber in her being. They were losses she never thought she would recover from. Slowly, her life returned to normal. They are all still a part of her, but she realized that her life must continue.

Then came the day her husband was found dead in his office of a massive coronary. It had been three weeks and she couldn't let it go. She couldn't find peace with his death as she had with all the others. There were so many unresolved issues that she needed to discuss; issues that she didn't even know she had until after the funeral. They had gotten married at 20. She had been there by his side through the "wonder years", pushing him, encouraging him, loving him. She was truly the woman behind the man. For more than 30 years, she had put her life on hold for him, made one sacrifice after the other, until her life began and ended with his command.

In the beginning it wasn't like that. He told her he wanted her to get everything she had always wanted out of life; that he was right there to support her. Then she didn't attend a seminar, because an office dinner was just too important to him. She skipped a semester of school because he was traveling and he really wanted her to be right there with him.

When all was said and done, at the end of each day, she felt good because she was helping him. She didn't allow herself to think about all that she had given up; the parts of herself that she had neglected so that he could become successful. But now he was gone and she was left all alone in a city she hated, a house she never wanted (but had been good for his image), children that didn't need her, and friends that had become part of her life in order to gain good contacts for her husband.

As she wiped the tears from her eyes, and took another look into the mirror, she realized she no longer knew the woman staring back at her. She had lived more than half of her life bending to the will of her husband, without even realizing she was doing it. There had been no compromise. He had made clear, in the nicest way possible, that it was his way or no way. By the end of the argument, he always somehow convinced her that the whole thing was her idea, and a good one at that.

So she sat looking in the mirror, trying to figure out who this new person was, mourning the loss of not only her husband, but also, the loss of someone that has once been much, much more important to her: HERSELF!

A compromise is defined as "a settlement of differences by MUTUAL adjustment or modification of opposing claims, principles, demands, etc; an agreement by MUTUAL concession." This means that being in a relationship is about give and take - not you give and he takes - or vice versa.

A few months ago, I ate lunch with a friend of mine and her husband. I love them both, and they do seem happy. I was just left to wonder if she really is as happy as she seems. Before they got married, she was always up for anything. It didn't matter what it was; she was on board. She was sassy, fun and very outspoken. Now it seems as if she has no real thoughts of her own. As soon as she starts to express an honest thought, he will give her that look. You KNOW the look! It's the one that says, "That's enough honey, I'll do all the talking". Then she just smiles and concedes to whatever he has to say as he completes the sentence. I am so happy that she has found someone that she loves and that loves her in return, but at what cost? How much of yourself do you have to give up in making a life with someone else?

The hardest part in the search for love is finding out who you are. If you don't know what you want out of life or who you want to be, then how can you expect someone else to become part of that uncertain existence? With that in mind, some changes might need to be made prior to finding your one true love.

I have never been one of those women willing to structure my life around what I think a guy would find attractive. I have always wanted to just be "me". Isn't that good enough? Yes and no. We, as women, should never change ourselves just to please a man. I will admit that when you are in a relationship it is difficult to make decisions for yourself. Part of the reason for that is because everything that you do when you are in a relationship affects both of you. That is not to say that we shouldn't compromise. Remember ladies, COMPROMISING is the key...

Of course, it is perfectly acceptable for people to change, because all of us do. We are not the same people we were ten years ago. We adapt to our environment. But are we changing for ourselves or for someone else? Am I willing to do that? Am I willing to change who I am in order to make someone else happy without any consideration for myself? Maybe it is the natural order of things for both parties to give up SMALL pieces of ourselves, but one thing to always remember is that giving up the essence of your existence, of who you are deep inside, just because you think that is what he wants, is NEVER AN OPTION.. The biggest thing when making any decision is to make sure that it is a decision that you can live with for the rest of your life - because it may come to that. You should never do something that goes against everything that you have ever believed just because it will make him happy. What kind of logic is that? Granted he will be okay, because he gets what he wants. He does not have to sacrifice anything. The problem is that you are the one that will have to live with that decision day after day, year after year. You have to come to terms with the fact that you went against everything you were taught and had always believed for him. What does that say about him that he would ask you to do such a thing? What does it say about you that you feel such a need to please?

You have to ask yourself, "Is this how I want to be in fifty years, even if he is not in my life?" If the answer is yes, then change it. If the answer is no, then bat your eye lashes enough and pretty soon he will come around to your way of thinkin'! If he truly loves you, he will understand. Of course, if you are truly happy, does it matter what you have given up? You just have to remember that one day, that person may be gone and you will then have to live with yourself; with the changes you made inside yourself to make someone else happy. Will the person you have become, the person you made yourself into, be a person you can live with when there is no one else around; when you only have that mirror to look into every morning?

If you fail to remember this, how will that affect what is left of your relationship? I don't care what anyone says, when you go against what you believe just to get the other person's approval, you are losing a part of yourself and in the process ultimately ruining the relationship on which you had such a clutching hold. On that same token, you cannot expect him to change the fundamentals of his being for you either. But if neither of you are willing to change your thoughts on the issue and you can't live with his beliefs about something, and he can't live with your beliefs about something, then your relationship is at the end of its life with big ole sign saying "DO NOT RESUSCITATE".

Take a long look at yourself and make sure that you are not standing as an oak; be willing to make small concessions. Be willing to concede on small things like not smoking or not drinking or not cussing or even cutting back on your shopping sprees. Being true to yourself does not mean that you should refuse to let the toilet paper roll under as opposed to over the roll or that you should fight about whether the clothes are hung facing the left or right. These are meaningless decisions and for goodness sake, let them go. Don't fight about them. If they mean that much, get separate bathrooms, separate closets. When I say there are things that shouldn't be compromised, I am talking about the elemental parts of who you are, who you want to be. . If you have to pretend to be one way in front of your man and then be the real you in front of your friends, then you don't need to be with this man. The same goes for him! If the two of you can't be real, vulnerable, and exposed with each other, then what is the point of making a life with someone.

When I was in high school and shortly thereafter, I was friends with this Joe. He was a fun guy, we hung out and had a good time. I have more stories than I care to admit about him. He was crazy, but he was a lot of fun and always up for anything. He did a few things that he probably isn't proud of and a few things that while they were fun, he has since grown out of them. I have no problem with people growing up and changing. I have no problem with the process of maturity that comes with getting older.

What I have a problem with is that once Joe started dating the girl that he is now married to, he changed completely. He stopped even talking to some friends that had been there to steal his toys as a toddler. He didn't tell the girlfriend about all the things that he had done. He didn't want her around any of his former friends. Joe was scared that if she knew that he had done all the things that he had done, that she wouldn't want him anymore. What he didn't understand was that in order for him to be truly happy, he needs for her to know all about him. I don't mean every tiny detail, but just the essentials. Because whether we want to admit it or not, every decision that we make influences what happens next in our lives. He is who he is because of the decisions he made before he married her, and for her to truly understand who he is, she needs to understand the things that he did when he was younger.

We have all done things in our lives of which we are not proud. We have all done things that we fight the urge to regret. We cannot keep those things locked inside and fell ashamed of them. We have to learn from those actions and continue to grow into better people. To face your future, you must acknowledge your past.