Who Do You Know?

William Harris and George Burkowitz were born on the same day, in the same hospital, and at the same time. Remarkably, the same doctor delivered them. They grew up together and lived next door to each other throughout their childhood. As the years went by, Willy and Georgy became best friends and did everything together. When they were both six years old they burned an ant hill with a magnifying glass. At eight they won the Chippewa Falls potato sack race for their age division and took second in the tag-team pie eating contest. During junior high they both started dating at the same time and had their first kiss on the same day...unfortunately with the same girl. It was Mabeline McDougal, a blonde one year older than the boys who was known for her maturity. In fact, she was the first one in her grade to get braces. A few years later they learned how to drive together, joined the drama club to get girls together, and sang duet in their high school's rendition of "Babe: Pig in the City".

After that things started to fall apart. When they went to McDonald's to get their first job together, the manager said that there was only one spot remaining. On the way home William told George that no matter what, they wouldn't go back to McDonald's until two job openings appeared. Later that day, William brought his father, who happens to be a large shareholder in the McDonald's stock, back to the restaurant to petition for the job. William said to the manager:

"This is my father who is very important in your business. He will tell you how great of a worker I am and how much my services are needed in your establishment."

Needless to say, William was a cashier for the next eight months of his life. George, on the other hand, was stuck licking postage stamps for Mrs. Hudson, a ninety year old neighbor who continually wrote letters to President Richard Nixon complaining about his "bulbous nose", even though it was the 1980s. George received three dollars a day and a glass of water for his troubles.

This hurt George's psyche pretty badly and it caused him to enter therapy with Dr. Mubbles. It took George three weeks to figure out that his doctor was fighting a cold and his last name wasn't Bubbles. Therapy seemed to help George and he stopped going after a while. Days after stopping therapy with George, Dr. Mubbles was sued for giving unlicensed sessions to an old woman's pet canary. After that point the doctor could no longer practice psychoanalysis in the continental United States and had to stay fifty feet away from any song birds.

A couple years later both William and George applied for a full scholarship at a prestigious University. A few days after sending in the letters (which George licked the stamps for), William called the University's admissions office to have his uncle, who was one of the deans at another local college, talk to them. William said:

"This is my uncle who is very important in your business. He will tell you how great of a worker I am and how much my services are needed in your establishment." Then he handed his uncle the phone.

Needless to say, William went to the University for free while George was paying through Nixon's bulbous nose. This episode also sent George into a massive depression. Instead of psychotherapy, George wanted to try prescription medication. After getting a bottle of anti-depressants, George remembered that he had a fear of swallowing pills. This realization only made him more depressed, so he sought alternative methods to relieve his anxiety. George collected Star Wars memorabilia, ate chocolate ice cream excessively, played checkers against himself, and went to Bingo Night at the local Veteran's of Foreign Wars center to make himself happy. But then, William would beat George out for something to send George back into the realm of depression.

And so it went for the rest of their lives. Both William and George would apply for something, but William would always have someone around to get him in without any hassle. It didn't matter if they were applying for a job or deciding over the last piece of apple pie at a restaurant, William would always know someone in a high position that could get him anything. Then, one day, while driving home from a movie that William got in for free and George had to pay ten bucks for, they got in a car accident with a semi-truck and died. Luckily, the little old lady that was driving the semi survived with minor scratches. It was Mrs. Hudson. She told police that Nixon's nose blocked her view of the road, causing her to drive on the wrong side and crash into the boy's car. She was given a full pardon.

In heaven, William and George walked up to the pearly gates. God was standing in front of them and said:

"Tell me about yourselves." William spoke up first.

"Well, you see God, I know a preacher who is very important in your business. He will tell you how great of a worker I am and how much my services are needed in your establishment."

After a moment, God replied in a thunderous voice:

"That's not what I was looking for."

As soon as the words left His lips, William fell through a trap door down into the pits of Hell. After witnessing this, George was a little afraid. He approached God with his head down and his hands shaking. God spoke.

"Tell me about yourself and why you should be admitted into Heaven." George looked up at the Big Man and said:

"I don't know if I should be admitted. In fact, I've never done anything that would be seen as worthy of this place. It's so beautiful. I just licked stamps all my life for a woman who should have been here long before me."

Just then, a voice from the background shouted at God.

"I know him Father."

God replied, "You do?"

"Yes. Let him in."

And so God allowed George into Heaven at the request of Jesus. And so, that's how it goes. Whether in life or in death, it's who you know that matters.