Who Listens to Talk Radio?

The First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution guarantees free speech. A good amendment. However, it has become increasingly apparent that we need an amendment to the Amendment. Perhaps it should read: "Proclamation. Let it be known to one and all, on this day of our Lord, the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution is hereby amended to allow free speech to everyone except those tired, bored, opinionated, megalomaniacal pedophiles that deem it necessary to call into talk radio stations, to express their uninteresting, without values, biased, hedonistic views." A little too strong?

Let's examine talk radio. What is it? Who does it benefit? Does it have any redeeming qualities? Is it leftist? Rightist? Should the Mets draft more relief pitchers? Questions that may go unanswered, but still require attention. Don't you think? (By the way, that question was rhetorical. No calls, please.)

Talk radio is nothing more than a host mentioning topics that they've seen in the newspaper, or some pet peeve that they feel necessary to bring up. (Like I care whether or not the host I'm listening to can't decide whether it's right or wrong to give a street beggar money.) Give him the damn quarter and let's get on with it.

No one really wants to hear him go on for fifteen minutes about the moral or ethical dilemma tearing him apart about whether he should choose paper or plastic bags at the grocery store. Not only that, but because he expresses this uncalled for residue all over the airwaves, he opens the door to invite every boring remonstrator to divulge their own feelings on this earth-stopping topic.

Some of the hosts are good at what they do. Some should have a Lomotil for their mouths. Others just have a squeaky, irritating voice that sounds like someone is slowly letting air out of a balloon.

Don't people have better things to do than sit next to their receivers, calling radio stations, and being put on hold for forty-five minutes, just so they can generate their pathetic, unintelligible feelings on the plight of the ringworm? Come on, people! Get a life! Nobody cares what you think and if you need a radio call-in show to vent your frustrations, perhaps your white-knuckled grasp of reality needs reconsideration.

I mean, excuse me, but wasn't commercial radio designed for entertainment purposes? What is so entertaining about some agoraphobic spouting verbal bilge, to a large listening audience, about their political or religious interpretation of the latest People Magazine article on Joe Biden's secret recipe for chocolate chili? If programs like these are what you need to form an opinion, maybe your opinions aren't worth forming.

The question arises to how talk radio was born? The most logical explanation can only be that some radio programming genius, one day, had to have been contemplating the disintegration of AM Radio by the smothering FM explosion and had a strong desire to express his dissatisfaction. With no place to turn, a bell must have rung in his capitalistic little mind and it must have been answered with a resounding, "I know, I'll put some witless announcer on the air, with the repartee of an aging antelope, the self esteem of a rusty kickstand and the intelligence quotient of cork and then invite listeners, in even worse shape, to verbally beat a dead horse." Good idea.

So, the next time you listen to talk radio, ask yourself, "Am I that incredibly hard up for entertainment that I've got to eavesdrop on these people, hard up for entertainment, calling talk show hosts definitely hard up for entertainment?"

Of course, that is just my opinion. I could be wrong.