Who Pays for Dates?

The rules for dating today aren't as black and white as they once were. A woman interested in a man can initiate contact and ask him out without being seen as pushy. Today's teens go on group dates. So when it comes to romance for singles, whose wallet is on the hook in today's dating environment?

According to msnbc.com article, "It's complicated: Who pays on dates", an Elle/MSNBC.com survey revealed that two-thirds of men wish women would offer to pay after a few dates, but 44% of women are bothered if a man expects them to. Even so, 57% of women offer to help with the tab, but 34% don't like it if he accepts. These numbers are even more exaggerated when the courting involves younger couples.

Who should pay on dates? The answer is: It's depends. There are many ways to look at this loaded question!

First Dates: He Pays

When asked, most men and women of all ages agree that it is the guy's role to pay for a first date. Doesn't matter who asked, who makes more money or who is most beautiful, the man should show up for that initial romantic encounter expecting to pull out his American Express card.

He Who Invites: Pays for the Date

A large majority of people feel that whoever does the asking should do the paying. SoSuave.com provides some insight from the readers of the Don Juan Newsletter. One man looked at it this way, "I believe that if you asked the lady out, you should pay for everything--or, at least intend to do so--solely to act as a gentleman, if nothing else." Others agreed, but also believe in a double-standard logic: that if a woman invites, a guy should be courteous and offer to pay for at least part of the date. Using this invites/pays logic, a good rule of thumb might be that the person who invites pays the largest part, with the person who accepts the invitation tossing in for the tip or buying a round of drinks as a fair play gesture.

Birthday Dates: YOU pay!

It's a given that the birthday girl or boy should be treated on their big day, right? Buy an appropriate gift, make sure the waiter knows about the celebration and pay for the night, no exceptions.

The Wealthiest Pays?

A Washington Post, Dear Carolyn entry discusses the muddy water stirred up by the "Who Pays" question. The woman explains that after eight dates she started to feel pressured into chipping in, but lamented about her tight financial situation compared to her dates imagined disposable income. Carolyn pointed out to the woman that those first eight dates probably cost her date close to a thousand dollars. She suggested they frankly discuss monetary expectations.

Mistakenly, a person might size up the other's financial situation without any real facts. Assumptions might be based on a not-so-humble abode, or the car that the other person drives, or bonuses that a well-dressed banker might have pocketed. But the truth is not always what it seems. Most of us don't discuss our income with even our best friends, and only disclose financial details on a must know basis. It's possible that your sharp-dressed man may be buried under post-divorce debt and child support or be footing the bill for an aging parent. Or that a sexy woman who just made partner in her law firm has mountains of student loans. There's really no way to apply this 'wealthiest pays' logic, since no man or woman really has accurate information to work with. Assume your bank accounts are equal and go from there.

However, when one person insists on a pricey venue, it's a fair assumption on the part of the other that he/she can afford that luxury. Sharing the cost doesn't seem to be a fair expectation if there is only one voice in the decision, does it? In this case, I vote that the person who elects to splurge, treats the other.

Baby Boomers: Do Traditional Dating Rules Apply?

With 97 million Americans now over 45 and more than 36% of them single, there are many baby boomer romances in full bloom. While some of these starry-eyed couples just accept the 'old fashioned' dating rules they grew up with, life is often more complicated than those outdated guidelines. Older women are dating younger men. Some mature women are more affluent than their distinguished suitors. Many baby boomer men still have teenagers living at home or in college.

The good news is that pretense and mystery are almost non-existent between a man and a woman once they have reached their fifties. They tend to be direct about their expectations and financial situation. Since they are now fishing from a shallow pond, most baby boomers will focus on important factors when dating, such as finding a caring partner, a witty conversationalist and a fun companion interested in travel, even if they end up paying their half.

Should You Care About Who Pays?

The question of "Who Pays?" doesn't need to derail a relationship if two people really enjoy each other's company. Instead of expectations, why not apply some straight-forward logic?

Ladies: When invited to a concert, ask yourself if you would be willing to pay for your ticket if you were going with a girlfriend. During the drive to the restaurant to meet your guy, imagine yourself flying solo for dinner instead and the waiter removing that extra place setting. If you can afford to pay for yourself, take enough cash to pay your way and offer if it feels right. If he accepts, don't get bent out of shape, but weigh the cost against the enjoyment of spending time with someone interesting. If he pays tab, offer to pay the tip or buy a round of drinks. At the movies, let him buy the tickets, but offer to buy the popcorn. Fix him a home cooked dinner or plan a night in every few dates so your time together doesn't always depend on dates that eat into his paycheck. Believe me, most men will appreciate even the smallest effort to reciprocate.

Guys: If you enjoy a lady's company, assume that you'll pay if you invite her out. If you can't afford a dinner for two to a high-end restaurant, choose a cozy spot with good food that you can afford. If you are having financial difficulties, swallow your pride and explain to her that you feel she is special and would love to treat her like the lady she is, but your budget is tight. Realize that women associate paying for a date with the innate need to find a man who will shelter and protect her. Plan dates that focus on fun or romantic strolls, not your wallet. If you believe in equality in all aspects of a relationship, or if you are old fashioned and would be insulted if she insisted on paying, tell her.

When faced with the question of who pays on a date, err on the side of being generous, regardless of your sex. In time, if you become a couple, these things will work themselves out. Don't make dating about money, but instead circle back to the more important questions like, "do we share the same values," or "are our interests similar?" And remember that the "Book of Love" was written before currency was ever printed.

Related Reading:
Five Mistakes Guys Make on Their Online Dating Profile
Can You Reform a Guy Who Doesn't Know How to Dress?
How Facebook Can Ruin Your Divorce

Reference:

Msnbc.com

SoSuave.com