Who Screwed Up the Zodiac World?

Okay, they can mess around with my Froot Loops and give me a generic store brand instead of the real deal; they can change the calendars and move holidays to Monday to be more convenient; and they can even "upgrade" Facebook and Twitter, and I will adapt. However, when they mess with the zodiac, I have to take a stand.

Recently, the Minnesota Planetary Society decided to turn the world upside down with its proclamation that most of us have been following the wrong astrological sign. For example for those of you who have been Libras for your entire life, look again. From now on, you might be Virgos. And for those of you who thought you might be Sagittarius, you are completely screwed for now you might fall under a totally new sign called Ophiuchus, which in case you do not know, is the snake holder.

You may be wondering what brought this change about. Well, according to the new theory, the moon's gravitational pull on Earth -- or something like that -- caused the alignment of the stars to be pushed back by about a month. So, the past astrology experts were not only in error of what birthdays fell under what sign, but they also omitted one sign completely in the mix - the dreaded Ophiuchus.

What does this mean to the real world? How will you know which horoscope to trust when you are hunting for that new job or thinking about taking a trip to the Amazon? What if your old horoscope says "Go on that job interview and show them you are the best person for that job!", but the new horoscope says "Insider trading scandal - jail time and a new cellblock girlfriend named Fred." What do you do? Or what if your old horoscope says, "The adventures of the Amazon await!", but the new horoscope says, "If you go near South American rivers, man-eating piranhas will chomp you to death." Again, what should you believe? This new zodiac thing could cause some dilemmas.

However, there might not be reason to panic. There are already experts saying this new horoscope is nothing new at all. Some believe that astrologers purposely omitted Ophiuchus because it was the 13^th sign, and that was deemed unlucky. So, all dates were accounted for in the 12 signs and everyone is following their right horoscope now. Other experts think that the zodiac is nothing but a bunch of crap, so why should anyone care?

I have to say that I do not feel badly for the people who have to change their signs. I have always wanted to leave my sign behind. It's not that I have anything against Taureans. They are lovely people, but I am an accidental Taurus. My birthday falls at the end of the traditional Taurus period, but I exhibit more Gemini traits. I blame this mess on my mother because I was born on appointment.

This is how the story goes. I was the third child, and my mom already had two other toddlers at home. Let me just say right now that I can understand her impatience. Anyway, she asked the doctor if she could get the pregnancy thing over with. So, they made an appointment, and Shazam! I was born. In their defense, no one thought how it would screw up my zodiac destiny. So, when I saw that new zodiac parameters had been discovered, I jumped for joy guessing that I would be welcomed into my new astrological Gemini home. But no, this new zodiac theory thrust me further back into Taurus, and now I truly have an identity crisis. I have to wonder that if I am a real Taurus, why am I so much like a Gemini? I admit that I am confused.

I know confusing me is not that difficult a thing to do, but still I am not sure what this whole zodiac change may mean to all of us. After a great deal of thought, I have decided to go the denial route and believe that the new zodiac dates are just plain stupid and should be ignored. Why did the Minnesota Planetary Society have to mess with 3,000 years of proven astrological science? We were all happy with who we were. We had accepted our astrological traits and personalities. To change now would cause major disruption in the world.

Anyway, in case anyone wants to compare their old and new signs, I have listed both. I also leave you with words of cosmic advice: If it is written in the stars, it will happen no matter what zodiac sign you follow.

The Old Zodiac Signs
Aquarius: Jan 20 - Feb 18
Pisces: Feb 19 - March 20
Aries: March 21 - April 19
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
Gemini: May 21 - June 20
Cancer: June 21 - July 22
Leo: July 23 - August 22
Virgo: August 23 - Sept 22
Libra: Sept 23 - Oct 22
Scorpio: Oct 23 - Nov 21
Sagittarius: Nov 22 - Dec 21
Capricorn: Dec 22 - Jan 19

The New Zodiac Sign Dates:
Capricorn: Jan. 20 - Feb. 16
Aquarius: Feb. 16 - March 11
Pisces: March 11- April 18
Aries: April 18- May 13
Taurus: May 13- June 21
Gemini: June 21- July 20
Cancer: July 20- Aug. 10
Leo: Aug. 10- Sept. 16
Virgo: Sept. 16- Oct. 30
Libra: Oct. 30- Nov. 23
Scorpio: Nov. 23- Nov. 29
Ophiuchus: Nov. 29- Dec. 17
Sagittarius: Dec. 17- Jan. 20