Who Wants to Be President?

The Nielson Company estimated that thirty-seven million people watched the two-hour premiere of American Idol on January 16th.

Thirty-seven million. Million. Thirty-seven. Thirty...

I'm sorry, but the number still makes my head spin.

And thirty-five million tuned in for the season premiere of 24.

What boggles me more is that either of these figures are easily thirty percent of the number of people who voted in the last presidential election. Granted, many of the viewers are below voting age (Nielson did not release any estimates parsed into demographics). But if simply a few good marketing gimmicks and a bunch of commercials showing stuff getting blown up or AI hopefuls singing so badly they could make paint curl are enough to ensure that all those eyeballs do nothing more than sit on their couches and press a particular button on their remotes (I don't know if this included the number of people who either TiVo'ed or videotaped or downloaded the shows), then think of how many more could be gotten if only a modicum of extra effort were required.

I'm not talking about a lot of extra effort. This has the effect of diminishing returns. Because obviously from the current turnout rates at the polls, it's too hard to parse out all those confusing political commercials or stay awake during the debates. Then you have to make a decision. If you even decide to vote at all, you have to get in the car and drive somewhere, or figure out which bus or subway to take. You have to fight your way through either Democratic or Republican dirty tricks (depending on your orientation) and then you have to (sometimes) wait in line, help the volunteer find your name on the rolls, then pull that really heavy lever to close and re-open your booth curtain (or, if you live in Florida, figuring out how to vote at all).

Perhaps I'm not the first to propose this idea, but if I am, let me add my voice to the chorus: let's simply dispense with the whole electoral mess and select our presidents like they do the next pop star on American Idol?

First, have the producers of AI send Howard Dean, Karl Rove and a third-party judge to be named later out on the road to hold auditions in a number of cities. Slap a number on each candidate's chest, videotape some pre-competition comments, and if they do well enough in the initial audition (which includes a short speech about why they want to be President, then display some kind of talent, like singing a Christina Aguliera song or juggling flaming torches, give them a pass to move on to Iowa.

Then, each week, the candidates will show other facets of their abilities (divided into categories, like "Feeling Your Pain," "Being Tough on Terrorism," and "Working the Media") and each week, one candidate will be voted out from each party based on who received the fewest number of calls from registered voters. No outside promotion will be allowed by any of the candidates. The President is the last one standing. The Vice President is the one with the highest number of calls in the President's political party.

Not only is the system free of the usual election complaints of negative campaigning, exit polling, racism, party influence, and the like, but it gives faster and more definitive returns so that embarrassing moments such as respected television anchors calling the wrong winner would be avoided.

Yes, the system has its pitfalls. There will be complaints that not all registered voters can afford cell phones, and that this reeks of racism, sexism, capitalism, ageism and any other kind of ism you can dream up. But the problem can be easily remedied. With the money saved by not producing and airing political commercials, the government will be able to give either give tax credits or free coupons (depending on your household income) for the purchase of a TracPhone designed just for this purpose, which will include detailed instructions on its use (not written by the election board of Florida or anyone who works for the government). There will be complaints of election fraud similar to the ones American Idol received that "your vote doesn't REALLY count." We're still looking into the problem, but if you can come up with anything better, please submit your suggestions to the network.

Good luck to all the candidates. May they choose the right spiel for their range, strike the right chords with the American public, and may the best one receive the most votes.