Who's Watching You?

It has been widely reported that the government may be listening in on our phone calls. I hadn't been too troubled or concerned about it until I sat down the other day and thought about the events in my life over the last week. I wonder if anyone was listening?

Aunt Maple, who is in her late 50's and divorced her husband last year, has apparently been inspired by her new found freedom. A friend noticed and quickly reported to family members that she had a "visitor" leave her home at 7am the other morning. Of course that event inspired a bevy of phone calls as my wife and her friends spent a significant time giggling about what Auntie was up to. The fact that he reportedly is a few years younger than Maple fueled the fires of the conversations and no doubt affected the libidos of our middle aged circle of friends.

Grandpa's dementia has also progressed to the point where he can't remember to put on underwear and never zips his fly, so that was also a topic of concern as we conversed with family members to determine a suitable course of action to save him and the family from embarrassment. That also inspired some thoughts about getting Grandpa and Aunt Maple together and more giggling ensued as the mental picture conjured up scenes that are too graphic and comical to record in this writing.

Finally, the local plumber is threatening me with a lawsuit because I haven't paid him for some shoddy work that he completed two months ago. The toilet in one of our bathrooms continues to "run" after flushing and the user has to reach in the back and physically pull up that floating ball to complete the transaction. He'll never get a penny out of me until that problem is resolved!

Those are actually just a few highlights. It has been an exciting week to say nothing about the antics that take place at the office. I suspect that while many of my "troubles" are real, they could be the subject of some serious laughter from anyone wanting to listen in on the soap opera that constitutes my life. There are probably many others living in a tandem universe that is reminiscent of mine.

As I was thinking about the government listening in, some other revelations struck my mind. Just the other day I was looking at some email that I received using the popular Google mail system. Since I have a website that features ads generated by Google to try to make a few extra dollars while blogging ($12.39 in the last two months - early retirement is out the window), I was fascinated by how the ads are targeted to the subjects that I might address on a particular day. It was then that I noticed that as I receive emails on a variety of topics, Google is applying that same methodology to my mail. In other words if the subject involves trucks or automobiles, ads are instantly featured that address that subject or if I am talking about real estate - you guessed it - homes for sale ads or mortgage financing links show up. Google does state that they are completely automated links.

So Google advises that they are monitoring my mail and the government has admitted that they have been monitoring my phone conversations. I guess that is really not news. I know that the grocery store monitors my weekly expenses and what products I purchase, the library keeps track of what books I am reading, my local video store maintains an individual record of the movies I rent - honest, I only rented that pornographic video to write an article about the smut that surrounds us - it was research! My credit score is available to any business willing to pay for it - I don't - I can estimate my credit score by the number of credit card offers that I receive - it must be excellent.

My neighbor is even monitoring my activities. Just the other day, Lulu my petite, four legged, furry companion was in the process of making a "deposit" to insure greener grass for my neighbor's lawn when the owner appeared out of nowhere to inform me that there was no requirement for that type of fertilization. I quickly bagged the deposit and departed.

Is there anyone that doesn't know where I work, how much I earn, what Internet sites I visit, and the debt I have accumulated? I suspect the water company can even monitor the number of flushes in my home and the electric company can monitor appliance activity.

In a recent call to my accountant, he suggested that the cash payment for a small job I recently completed probably didn't need to be reported to the IRS - ugh! - wish we had not had that conversation. Oh, and I just told my best friend Jim that when I checked out of the electronics store last week, the computer checkout scanned the price of one of my purchases at less than half of what the price should have been. I reaped a savings of over $15.

I can't help but feel that I am going down soon. Just for activities last week, the IRS can charge me with tax evasion, (I have to file an amended return soon), I had pornography in my possession (once again for research purposes only) , I probably can be charged with stealing ( I really did intend to go back and make restitution to the electronics store), slander (I'm sorry, but Grandpa's psychiatrist is crazier than he is) and there are no doubt some other charges lurking if Aunt Maple becomes aware of our conversations.

With all this weighing heavily on my mind, I told my wife I was going for a walk to let this jumble about our privacy settle a bit. Being a very bright woman, she consoled me and told me not to worry, "it's just the way the world is now and by the way darling zip up your fly, lest you instigate any more conversations in the neighborhood."

It was at that point that the epiphany struck me - we're all naked out there and most of time it's ugly or laughable. Anyone that wants to take a look, can. With so much to look at, I guess no one really has time for me.