Why Al Gore is Just the Head of a Pagan Religion Devoted to an Angry God

A man on the street, crazed and wearing a strange powder all over his skin that he promises will save him from the doom that is to come from Above approaches you. Being the kind person that you are, you stop to listen to what he has to say. He informs you that the end is near, that man has been brash and arrogant, and that man is currently locked in a "spiritual crisis". He says that "something" is angry, and the only way to properly appease this beast is through the abandonment of civilization. Only by systematically eroding human culture are we capable of subsiding this beast that is to come. He promises an inferno to anyone who does not obey - but this will not be an immediate thing of course.

According to this man, only in generations to come will the true damnation set in. This is a spiritual battle to transcend the ages. You look at the man a little confused, but he assures you that you are tempting the fates. When you ask for some sort of proof, scientifically with preference, he tells you that everyone agrees, why don't you just look around and see for yourself. He then asks if you've noticed that everything has been hotter lately - never mind the fact that it's snowing for the moment.

You insist that you respect his beliefs, but you decide to move on. He becomes angry, insisting that you are a catalyst for your own destruction. As you walk away, he shakes his fist and proclaims that only with a "new way of thinking" can mankind be saved.

You toss what pamphlets he gave you into your car next to the brochure that promised that Pope John Paul II was the head of the New World Order. Amusingly, you've just been given the entire story behind global warming, with the exact same speech and terminology used by the Pontifex Maximus of the Church of Warming himself, Al Gore.

Generally terms such as "spiritual crisis" and promises of a fiery damnation are the stuff of Catholic Mass, where by the inequity of man we have doomed ourselves to Purgatory and for those who stay outside the arms of Holy Mother Church, Hellfire. But the more and more I read and hear about this cult of Global Warming, the more convinced I grow that it is little better than Conan's wide-eyed exclamation of "Crom!" every time he saw something that either confused or amazed him.

Mankind has been given incredible tools of discovery, and much like the simple-minded barbarian, we approach things with possibly the foolish of lights. Rather than look at the entire Gulf of Mexico and consider the historical precedent of hurricanes that strike there, we assume that current increased market values on real estate and the subsequent damage caused by hurricanes is foretelling of some kind of end times prophecy. Any one with an ounce of common sense, however, would look at the entire coast, follow the path line of these hurricanes, and realize that the entire Gulf was fundamentally carved out through these beasts of storm and wind.

Usually, I'm apprehensive of anyone that promises that they can tell the hour that our doom is at hand. I'm leery every time that Jehova's Witnesses Promise that they know the date and time when the Apocalypse will come, I was leery when Ahmadinejad promised last August was heralding in the Islamic Apocalypse, and I laughed when the Branch Davidians promised that the showdown at Waco, Texas was the end of time. Why then, should I consider Al Gore's promises of knowing "the hour of our doom" anything but the same, fringe, lunatic proclamations espoused by David Koresh? And let's not beat around the bush here, he has literally promised that the Earth has ten years left.

One can try to tell me that his science is all together - but they'd be outright wrong. This wonderful "religion", and truly that's all the myth behind global warming is, promises that scientists have a "consensus", and that's what makes it right. Of course, consensus science is the type of absurdity that led us to conclude that the Black Plague could be fought off by lighting a ring of fire around your house. What are the consequences of not going in line with this "consensus" though?

Well, just take a look - there was a movement to strip meteorologists of their certification if they didn't give lip service to global warming. This is without considering the lists of scientists who either outright deny Global Warming exists, or challenge Al Gore's apocalyptic prophecies.

But wait! John Tetzel, oops, Al Gore promises, like with all good religious organizations that our damnation is not necessarily certain! There is a way out! Much like the fore mentioned John Tetzel, in our hour of direst need (of course until we were told by Al Tetzel we didn't even really know we were in an hour of need) he comes to us with a promise that indulgences can save us. There's a way out! We are not necessarily bound to the Hellfires! All we have to do is give up our sinful ways, our evil cars, our evil petroleum, our evil economic advancement as a whole.

In a form of flagellation, all we have to do is deny ourselves that which makes us strong, for it makes the Earth Gods angry, and we have the opportunity to be saved.

Oh, and I am not kidding about the indulgences. Much like these little pieces of paper you could pay a small coin for and relieve your family and friends from Hell or Purgatory, all you need to do, Pontifex Gore promises, is adopt a tree. Pay a small amount of money and get a piece of paper certifying that your carbon footprint has been erased - by paying to put your name on a piece of paper (ironically carved from a tree to begin with...), I guess the magic of the tree is supposed to kick in, whereby it only converts carbon dioxide after you've paid.

I can hear it now "When a gold coin in the coffer rings, carbon dioxide from the atmosphere springs."