Why Americans Don't Get in to Soccer

Soccer will never be big in the United States for reasons too numerous to list. Following are the top five reasons. Please beware of the prejudicial, tongue in cheek content. You are warned.

We Despise Soccer Moms

Soccer moms running around in mini-vans are not part of our egalitarian society. They are way too snooty to be tolerated by the majority of Americans. No more articles please about the soccer mom voting block or some of us are going to lose our lunches. Can we bring back the phrase "Gag me with a spoon"? It fits.

What's This Not Using Your Hands Nonsense?

Here you have a sport where guys or gals with athletic bodies have to commit themselves to using only their feet or heads. The only one who can both catch and throw the ball is the goalie, and another player can only touch the ball with his hands if he is putting the ball in play. We wonder who came up with these boring rules. Only the most athletic of us can leap into the air to kick a ball and still land on our feet and not our butts. Soccer is a sport that allows for way too much temptation. Americans are of the sort who will soon have half the team red carded. How can soccer ever be big in the United States if our soccer players spend all their time sitting on the bench?

What Is Wrong with Baseball?

Baseball is as American as, well, as apple pie. If you want to argue that baseball originated in some place other than America, go ahead. It's pretty simple to pick up a stick and hit a rock with it, if that's your argument. But baseball as Americans know it has developed its unique character in this country. On the other hand, soccer goes back to Asia.

Americans are the world's teenagers. We want to go our own way.

At Least Lacrosse Was Played by Natives

Following from the above note, if a kid prefers not to play baseball, why choose a foreign sport like soccer? Lacrosse was discovered by Europeans when they came here and saw Native Americans playing it. Any American who is a back to roots kind of person ought to choose lacrosse over soccer any day.

This is America

Americans are ex-patriots of those places in the world where people play football, the proper term for soccer outside of these United States. The fact is we have our own football played with the pigskin. We are huge fans of American football. These giant guys clash helmets, grunt, and then execute really complicated maneuvers akin to chess with real live men for game pieces. To the unpracticed eye the game looks like big men tearing each other up and landing in one big pile with the ball carrier on the bottom. How can soccer compare with that?

There are a few reasons why soccer is not obsolete in America. Number one on that list is David Beckham. What a great accent. His face is not bad either. Secondly, we certainly appreciate that soccer players have great legs. Other than that, there is not much else to say.